Day of Getting Nothing Done...but there's still time

Feeling ashamed of yourself is the worst.
SO...let's see what I can do to turn it around now!

I have silly dreams

they're usually just a moment in time that I end up remembering...not always...but a lot. I just remembered a dream I had last night. I was trying to kiss someone and couldn't reach, and he said, "you have to leap for it."
kinda weird, eh?

One of the many revisions of one of my poems

I don't remember what version I have previously posted: this poem has been called several different things and has several different versions. I like this one best, I think: (it's been called "Mein Mind", "Toast and Jam"...something like that...here it is called "Sticky Situation"


Sticky Situation

Toast a drunk en madness
it burns when overdone

never was important – what it was all about –
needed only to realize
my part, or lack thereof.

You splattered me with your jam
it’s after midnight

seedy streets will be deserted –
raspberry-red cars
spread thin somnambulant
I won’t get stuck again.

I cruise down open road
in search of anything
but it’s not there.

fell face down in it
Murphy’s law –
peeled my face up off the floor, with pride.

revel in newly-found notion
this is not my problem

I can do nothing and it’s okay.

An old poem

Soiree

I lie in bed

staring at
bloated pillow,

imagining—

the impression
of your head
pressed in.

Filling in the rest
from memory.

Imagining us—
talking, joking, flirting;

Touching—
each other, with
stories, smiling, smelling

erotic stink
of the 400-count sheets.

Sandwich breath,
cigarette hair, maybe an
Eau de twelve hours ago.

A bedtime
cocktail
party—
dancesteps
of wit,
bubbly—
moods, and
perfect

soundtrack. Slowly,

The party draws
to an end I fall
asleep—

alone. Alone.

Poem

Not sure if I have posted this one, but it was inspired by Emily Dickinson's poem that starts "I cannot live with You."

----------------------------------
Dusty Cupboards

I’ve never owned a cupboard
or a shelf
behind which life exists

dainty gold spoons in
Irish teacups wait
to stir

Punchy stink of must—
insists on my reverence

cracked plates on the shelf
whisper to me about
failure

which persistently sits
on a veneer of dust

HEY! The voicemail hung up on me!

Man, I can babble into people's voicemail systems something fierce! (ever seen Swingers? Almost that bad!)

Two minutes in the life of Nicole's brain

I'm bored.
I'm lonely.
I think I'll listen to music.
What should I listen to?
Maybe Putumayo French cafe...
Yes. oh, no colon, huh, weird.
French people don't even listen to this music
well, if I'm going to listen to this, I might as well light that candle.
go get lighter..
OH FINE, if I'm going to listen to music by candle light, I will have an ice cream cone. GEEZ.
better write that on my blog
I didn't really think that last part; that would be way too sad.
p.s. I really need to get a new cd drive so that I can keep doing my French lessons.

edited version

I think my imagination is a defense mechanism. I use it to have friends; I use it to be liked and adored; I use it to test out scenarios, and I use it to be accepted, and I use it to gain confidence. The problem is that I think sometimes I forget that it's just my imagination, and I gain confidence when I shouldn't, or expect scenarios to go as I plan them. When they don't go as I plan, I get hurt, rejected, upset, disappointed. This is when I wish I knew what goes on in other people's heads: what makes them act the way they do. I know (do I?) that no one acts exactly like they would always choose, and that people act based on their own defense mechanisms. The problem (again, I think) is that defense mechanisms don't just protect the person having them, they hurt outsiders. e.g. I will act aloof so that I won't get hurt, and then the other person feels hurt because I am ignoring him or her. This is why I like to get to know special people really well...unfortunately (?) they're the ones I really care about all this stuff about; they're the ones who this kind of stuff could drive nuts; and once I know someone well, I don't get bothered so easily, and we can just talk about stuff that perplexes us. This is really making no sense. I know that I care way too much what others (whom I care about) think of me, and while I don't know someone very well, that makes me obsess about this kind of stuff a little because what if? what if? what if? and why this? and why that?
My utter hypocrisy: if unresponsiveness bothers me so much, then why am I so unresponsive to the people I love most?

I

Am

Bored.

In other non-news...

I was told today that "it's like you're binary" in relation to my climate control preferences in the car.

Two's Day

Drive to the airport in the rain and hope it rains all day

Happy Tenth Birthday to Google

that's all she wrote.

:( sickly

I must have eaten something very, very wrong, or got some sort of bad flu. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon because I feel miserable.

fmi

job
savings
car
grocery
el

coffee pot
floor lamp
wi-fi
tv
cable
tivo
printer
toaster
rug

towels, pans, silverware, dishes, supplies

21st century

I just got a text message on my phone from a recruiter I had contacted about a job. It said to check my email for a message to respond to with more information. But there is no email. Plus, it seems odd to me to get a text message about a job. Maybe the email is yet to come; otherwise, I'll use my resourcefulness, curiosity, initiative, and team-building skills to find the recruiter's information to contact her again. Or maybe I should just text back the reply: "re: job, idk whre 2 call, lol."

I Teach? Cheat It?

do you drink chai tea while you do tai chi?

It was YestAAAAARday

dammit, International Talk Like a Pirate Day was yesterday, and I thought it was today. Aaaaarrr, I'm celebrating today with my parrot and eyepatch and dancing on my pegleg. (I don't know that much about pirates) aaaarrrrr

Silliness is one of my favorite characteristics

Bow Wow Blues

Whether you're novaturient or an Inveteratist...

when it comes to the dumbing down of our society, don't be a foppotee! Adopt a word to get it back in use here: Words

Amelia

If my name was Amelia, I think I would often tell people that I intended to ameliorate them.

I Heard This Last Night and Liked It

Song

Waking Up is Hard to Do

I woke up,
then, for about ten minutes
I've been staring at this
screen--
unsure
how to proceed.

argh

angry people are selfish people who have learned that being the loudest gets them rewards, e.g. never having to take responsibility for anything, and never having to do the hard work or just listen.

Hey, I know this song

I don't remember from where, but I know it, and I really like this song.
le reveil-matin

Interesting Point Du Jour

People who are not motivated don't generally complain about not being motivated enough. So maybe my problem is lack of discipline instead??

Oh, look, I must be home!

Weird...
I accidentally left my music on when I left earlier today. It was also a playlist that I haven't listened to before. So when I just got home, there was unfamiliar music playing. It was a really strange feeling like someone was home, but no one was! Just me.

Stuff to Look Up or Ask People About

1. What does it mean when people say, "the royal we"?
2. Why does everyone always says, "If I were you..." when it seems like it should be "if I WAS you"? Right? If I was running to the store....If I was talking to you....
do people just say the wrong thing, or is that somehow correct? Anyone? Bueller?

Wishlist

I need (want) to buy a clarinet (wood). I think I can handle the pressure to not 'squeak' once again.

See if anyone needs or wants my extra melodica.

Office chair

New pedal for piano (squeaky)

New suit for interviews, or at least more modern pieces

haircut again

Yum

I went for a nice drive and stopped at Ghirardelli for a chocolate malt. I wouldn't have, but I got lucky with a parking space...didn't even pay the meter...what with the holiday and all...just applied for a job at American Heart Association. If I don't hear back from them, I'll tell them to have a heart. I NEED a job and money so I can get into a place I like better. At least I have an interview Wednesday.

Aaaahhh

I am loving the silence so much right now. I think I'm going to go lie on the sofa and read. Happy Sunday Evening.

"Self-censorship is insulting to the self"--Ai Weiwei

and yet, I really wish I was equipped with an edit button.

Beauty

Wow, I wish I had it in me to be a conductor. They always bring tears to my eyes. Listening to these interviews feels like a hug. That sounds so unbelievably corny, but I don't care...no one reads this anyway!
Also, I think Simon Rattle was the one who asked, "What do you want to hear?" I think I want to hear sincerity. His answer was he wants to hear a story.
I also love the part about how important the experience of LIVE music is. I totally agree. I need to find another job that gets me the occasional free tickets to the CSO, opera, etc.
Gergiev
Rattle

Irony, Idiocy, or Oxymoron?

I saw a guy today who had a t-shirt on that said, "ANARCHY RULES." Was that meant to be serious, or a joke? I think that is very funny!

Fried Day

Lunch with bro at 11:45
Doctor appointment at 1:10
Then: piano at library?