I think my imagination is a defense mechanism. I use it to have friends; I use it to be liked and adored; I use it to test out scenarios, and I use it to be accepted, and I use it to gain confidence. The problem is that I think sometimes I forget that it's just my imagination, and I gain confidence when I shouldn't, or expect scenarios to go as I plan them. When they don't go as I plan, I get hurt, rejected, upset, disappointed. This is when I wish I knew what goes on in other people's heads: what makes them act the way they do. I know (do I?) that no one acts exactly like they would always choose, and that people act based on their own defense mechanisms. The problem (again, I think) is that defense mechanisms don't just protect the person having them, they hurt outsiders. e.g. I will act aloof so that I won't get hurt, and then the other person feels hurt because I am ignoring him or her. This is why I like to get to know special people really well...unfortunately (?) they're the ones I really care about all this stuff about; they're the ones who this kind of stuff could drive nuts; and once I know someone well, I don't get bothered so easily, and we can just talk about stuff that perplexes us. This is really making no sense. I know that I care way too much what others (whom I care about) think of me, and while I don't know someone very well, that makes me obsess about this kind of stuff a little because what if? what if? what if? and why this? and why that?
My utter hypocrisy: if unresponsiveness bothers me so much, then why am I so unresponsive to the people I love most?
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