Happy Halloween, My Sweets!

and

It hurts my feelings when someone chooses to do something that does not involve me instead of seeing me. Is that unreasonable? understandable? forgivable? I fear abandonment, and if something gets taken away from me (yes, that's kind of how I see it), I feel like that's the end...it's all over....I'll never become close or maybe even see that person. If I see someone one or two places, and that's it, then if you take one or both of those things away, will the person still find a way to see me? I am always scared that those people aren't even thinking about me, or don't care about never seeing me again.

I think I'm going to go to bed soon so that I can concentrate and think.

sorting out my thoughts maybe

sometimes situations just make me laugh. I get so frustrated sometimes and wish I could read people's minds and know what makes them act the ways they do! I get so flustered sometimes when I try to talk that I have no idea what I'm saying and make no sense. It's hilarious. I was told once that my neurons just must fire really, really fast. It sure feels like it...not that that would feel like anything. Some people are so charming that it just kills me, partially because I feel like there could be really personal things we might have in common. Maybe not. Maybe I'm the only one feeling anything; I do live in lala land. I love being emotional, but it does make things really difficult. And to try to figure out my thoughts.....I am confident in who I am, but I also care too much what others whom I care about think of me. Also, I feel like I'm fairly intuitive in terms of people's body language and characters, (maybe not, who knows) but I also am ultra sensitive and therefore construe things in a negative way. So in other words, I might be correctly reading that someone is distracted or uninterested in a conversation or whatever, but rather than realize that that could be for a million reasons that have nothing to do with me, or rather than just ignore that vibe they're giving off, I notice it, make things worse by addressing it, and assume that it has something negative to do with me. I guess I'm really self-centered like that. I get worried when I don't have information. I get obsessed until I can figure things out. I question what people think of me and if they like me. I really don't like when people I really like become under the influence of things because I like them for who they are, and that changes them. It's not like I don't like them, or that that's always the case, but I just prefer the 'real' them, and start worrying about their health when they become altered on a regular basis at all. Also, I tend to take a lot of things as a negative reflection of me, which I know is silly. So, if someone chooses not to be somewhere where I'll be, I sometimes think, well, they must not like me or else they'd want to be where I am. sorry that's obnoxious. and when I'm having fun with someone and they want to drink or whatever in addition to what we're doing, I sometimes feel like it's a slap in the face, like I'm not fun enough. I think people who drink or whatever...never mind...maybe late.r..


My first theorY: might be more of a hope in a way, or maybe it's obvious, but I feel like people who drink, smoke, etc. do so either because they're depressed, or because they feel socially inadequate, or a combination. Or because it's a reason to be social when otherwise antisocial. No one wants to be alone, and when it's hard for people to get to know people, alcohol and bars can be a great way to be out and social without having to actually be social, and face possible rejection. So, I wonder (hope) if someone became less lonely, more confident, maybe that person would be less interested in going to bars/drinking. It's really hard for me too...I am terrified of rejection and don't even like bothering talking to a lot of people...and even though that's the case, it's still hard, and it's still lonely. But I like ..well, no, I don't 'like', but I could either feel the real pain of what it's like, or try to mask the pain, and I prefer to feel the pain, although it stinks. And sometimes I really wish I had a vice to help me through, but not really. I just don't want people I care about to rely on vices to help them through because they are better than that.

Wow, it's windy outside!

Sir, I no longer want these emotions!"--Data

woo hoo Saturday night

I am pooped. maybe I'll get to bed earlyish so I can make it to Jenny's earlyish tomorrow morning for breakfast out, then later I plan to get up my nerve and go play in a tournament. Then, come home and study study study!

YAY!!

I GOT MY HAT BACK!!! All is well in the universe once again.
Thank you to the people who brought it back; I really appreciate it, and it renewed my faith in people.

My Relaxation Techniques

As I think of them, I guess it's good to record in case I forget, since I often need to relax. Depending on the exact mood and situation, here are a few:

1. listen to music (classical or jazz, depending...), lighting candles, and reading (together or separate)

2. go for a walk to nowhere and let my thoughts wander

3. Mindfulness meditation mp3 or video

4. writing

5. drive up Sheridan Rd. to the North Shore (to Lake Cook Rd and back)

6. If I can find a cafe like I used to go to, go there and read and/or write.

7. play the piano

8. hugs

8. bubble bath

9. complete and utter silence for several minutes (the kind where you hear stuff in your neck moving and buzzing noises in your ears.

10. yoga or pilates

11. although it's not relaxation, I have found that if I am unshakeably (unshakably) sad, hardcore chocolate helps.

spelling

"'Best Burritos and Tocos in Town!'"

guess who's grumpy?

ME!
I just got home ten minutes ago, and have been out all day, and at pool, I THINK....someone stole my hat. I am very sentimental about certain things, and this was one of my favorite hats, and I almost didn't wear it today but decided to. I took it off and put it on one of the shelves with my purse, then moved my purse and left the hat...same with cue case. When I went to leave...no hat. I looked all around the place and asked at the counter. The weird thing is a girl was talking to me about hats too. It's possible that I just missed it, but could someone have stolen it???? Or accidentally taken it???? It really has given me a lump in my throat all day like I kind of want to cry. Of course, the store where I bought it (Lori's Designer Shoes in Lincoln Park) no longer carries it. I am currently looking for it online. I just HATE not knowing what happened, and I hate the idea that someone might have purposely taken it. It sours everything. :(
Sueded Corduroy 3 Button Hat- Purple

Free Piano Music

Kreusch-Sheet-Music

"Party of Pollution" by Paul Krugman

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/21/opinion/party-of-pollution.html

heh heh heh

Tell me how that makes you feel...

Today, I saw a little girl playing with her dolls in a lobby, and the dolls were saying, "we don't like you here. Go back to where you came from." ! aw, that's so sad, poor thing.

Hinneous Acts

Wow. I feel like strangling the Republican presidential candidates. Please stop this cruel and sad joke. My prediction is that one of the most made-fun-of comments of the debate will be the bimbo's comment about Iran's heinous acts....pronounced "hinneous."

And the whole faith and religion part of the debate is making me yell at the television. When other people yell at football games, I think they're nuts. Now is they're turn to think I'm nuts. Newt said "How can you have judgment if you have no faith? and how can I trust you with power if you don't pray?"

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH

ARGH

I JUST got home!
That took a ridiculous amount of time.
But...I finally prevailed. YAY!

grrr

Candy Mountain is not funny, Charlie.
Candy Mountain is freaking annoying!!
Shun! Shun Candy Mountain.

Thoughts that Pop Into my Head

Some of my favorite feelings/words are: cozy. warm. fuzzy. protected. love. hugs. secure. stable. safe. innocent. happy. romantic. fun. goofy. silly.

Words/feelings that I dislike: hate. jealousy. ugly. fear. angry. danger. lonely. cynical. bitter. dependent. self-righteous. depression. addiction.


Things I like about myself: Happy. Optimistic. Trusting. Curious. Giving. Empathetic. Idealistic.


Things I dislike about myself: Insecure. Jealous. Critical. Judging. Competitive. Moody. Sensitive. Easily hurt. Care too much what others think about me. Anxious. Neurotic. Worry wart.

Good Night

I'm going to bed and I'm wrapping myself into a blanket burrito because I'm freezing! It's going to be so snuggly warm! I'm going to fall asleep with happy, confident, non-worrying thoughts and thoughts about people I love and who love me.

piano

why are there certain songs that I never learn well? I always struggle with them, and they're really no harder than other songs. Weird. I keep trying though.

WHY is this not more interesting?!

So, I canceled my plans tonight so that I could work on my project, but I don't even want to read what I've written; how can I expect anyone else to be interested? Then that leads me to the conclusion that I'm not doing good work. I think it's an interesting topic, so what's missing? It's really frustrating me. And I'm falling into the common trap of having way too much information that I need to filter...I already have 20 pages, but I don't feel like I have the right information. Plus, now I'm getting distracted by the actual manual I'm creating...like, what information goes where? On the up side, I'm learning about people's emotions and regulating emotions, and maybe with more reading and writing, I'll learn how to regulate my own emotions. Maybe I can work on learning how to WAIT before acting. When I feel full of emotions, I feel that I have to act on them immediately, and it's like I can't stop myself. I always feel like my emotions have full control over me. Does everyone feel like that? I don't think so. How do you gain control over your emotions? How do you resist the urge to act on a particular emotion? What do you do when you want to share your emotions with people when that's not appropriate? How do you know what's appropriate? What if you don't care? These are some things that maybe I can work on.

Research

Oh Em Gee

Tonight was so awkward! I do NOT like conflict--even if I'm not even involved in it.

YIPPIE TIE YAAAAYYY!!!!

Okay, I'm WAY too happy about this, but I FIGURED OUT THE SONG THAT I SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT!!! YAAAY~!!! now there are no unsolved songs stuck in my head. So, I don't know when this song is from, but I haven't heard it since probably the early 90s??? so that's another song that is from like 20 years ago and just popped into my head. Upon listening to it, I still really like the song too! AND....I just played it for Scott while jumping up and down in sheer glee, and he said that I actually hummed it pretty exactly. YAY! Tone deaf? IN YOUR FACE!!!! :)
So, do you wanna know what song it is? Do ya? Nah, maybe I won't tell you. But I better tell you before I forget again! Pictures of Matchstick Men by Camper Van Beethoven! It's the beginning violin part that I had stuck in my head, and that is VERY hard to look up..hence my trying to sing, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DAAA DA DAA DA DAA DA DAAA to people and getting blank stares. Oh, and I remembered, "and yoooouuu"...Without further ado, HERE IS THE SONG.

Songs that Stick

The most recent one (last few months): I'm still trying to figure out, but I'm thinking it might be Camper Van Beethoven.

Second most recent: Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni (first discovered on "Rhythm of Life) when George Martin plays a little bit on piano to describe simple melodies.


Least recent: I used to listen to this song with my dad and my brother in the 80s, and I always remembered it and liked it but couldn't remember enough about it to re-discover it and find out who it was. I finally found it in the last year...it's Kate Fagan's "Don't Wanna be Too Cool".

Adagio in G Minor by Albinoni

one version

I am going to learn this song so that I can play it better than the versions I found. No one plays it (that I can find) the way I envision it.

Dad and Zoe and Jill in 2008

Gromit!

reference

tutorial

I wonder

I wonder if potential employers can see the time that you submitted your application. If so, I wonder if they frown upon odd hours. I apply for a lot of jobs after midnight; like I just applied for a job at 2:30 a.m. The stuff you have to think about...!

Oh, and I also wonder what it means when people say "the royal we"

hmm

What is a man thinking when he puts on pale yellow shorts and a red t-shirt?

Okay, I feel sane again

Here is one of my favorite poems by one of my favorite poets:

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

I should look up some of this stuff later

Nobel Prize for Economics

I like this song and video; they're pretty

Dream

I had a dream last night that I made up an email program for people who had been in breakups, and one of the buttons to click was "Resent Attachment."

More Time Wasted...fun!

Romance index
66



According to your score, you are a bit of a hopeless romantic. Rose petals, poignant poetry, tall glasses of wine, touching moments, and sweet words are all loving gestures that you enjoy receiving as well as offering. Romance is fairly important to you, and likely an aspect that you consider fundamental in relationships. Keep in mind however, that problems may arise if you are with someone who really isn't the romantic type. If you look forward to Valentine's Day to express your love and your partner doesn't even acknowledge it as a special day, you might end up feeling neglected or your efforts unappreciated. Nevertheless, even if your partner isn't as romantically inclined as you are, try to be appreciative of his/her efforts when she/he does try to woo you. Some people aren't comfortable displaying their affection in screamingly obvious ways, but this doesn't mean that they don't care ? they simply prefer to be more subtle. Whether it's you or your partner who is doing the romancing, check out the ideas in the Advice section for some simple and sweet romantic gestures that aren't tough on the wallet or too overwhelming.

I've Spent too much time tonight doing stupid stuff online like this!

Self-Disclosure Test (General Communication)
Although different approaches to self-disclosure are not necessarily good or bad, opening up is generally a valuable tool in relationships and a pre-requisite to true closeness. Of course, everything in moderation is important. If we reveal too much, we not only tax other people's listening skills, but we also place ourselves at risk of being judged or even taken advantage of. If we don't tell enough, it makes it especially difficult to become close to others and develop a bond with them. In the end, self-disclosing is a delicate dance between two people.
Snapshot Report
Self-disclosure with Friends
70
According to your responses, you are generally comfortable letting the floodgates open and sharing with your pals, rarely holding anything back. You seem to have reached a level of comfort, trust and closeness that allows you to show even your vulnerable side to friends. As you are likely aware, connecting with other humans is a natural need, as is feeling loved and understood, and you appeared to have found this special connection with your closest companions. Moreover, if your openness is reciprocated, it should lead to deeper bond and higher level of friendship.

The Ole Bait and Switch

I am pretty tired of temp agencies/recruiters hauling me in for all these great jobs that just HAPPEN to no longer be available! BUT they'll keep me on file for other jobs that will be becoming available. Is that cool? I think not!

Interesting Tidbit

"by making our enemy small, inferior, despicable, or comic, we achieve in a roundabout way the enjoyment of overcoming him" (Freud)

The rest of the context is good too: it says,

"Why do we laugh at another person's humiliation and embarrassment? According to Freud, aggressive jokes allow the expression of impulses ordinarily held in check. Although we may have unconscious urges to attack certain people or groups of people, our egos and superegos are generally effective in preventing outward acts of violence. But an insulting joke allows us to express these same aggressive desires in a socially appropriate manner..."

It sounds like a lot of people we know, doesn't it?
Maybe this is why I don't trust people who tell racist/sexist/mean jokes.

Insomnia

I SO can't sleep. Maybe two cups of coffee at 10 p.m. wasn't such a great idea.

Enough of that

I don't want to sound adolescent; I'm HOW old?! but I get insecure. I think I project my feelings onto others. If I want reassurance, I want to reassure others, but what they want is probably something very different due to THEIR issues. I just don't know what it is that they want, or else I would love to give that to them. I wish people would just hold signs saying how they feel.

SO....if you know me, and you want or need something from me, please feel free to let me know because I want to be there for you; I just might not know how.

Al Jazeera's Success and Competition

It's not particularly interesting that this person resigned, but the rest is kind of interesting

The Resignation of Wadah Khanfar and the Future of Al Jazeera | Foreign Affairs

Sundae

The point of putting in effort is for me to know that I put in effort; otherwise, it just feels pointless that no one else notices when I go to the trouble of putting in effort.

On the upside, new pool league season tomorrow (well, it started last week, I guess) without progress report or probation or anything! I better bring my suit to the cleaners.

Ahh, screw being social

Left people behind to go stay home by myself. It's so nice! Yoga pants, comfy shirt, candle, piano. sweet!