sometimes situations just make me laugh. I get so frustrated sometimes and wish I could read people's minds and know what makes them act the ways they do! I get so flustered sometimes when I try to talk that I have no idea what I'm saying and make no sense. It's hilarious. I was told once that my neurons just must fire really, really fast. It sure feels like it...not that that would feel like anything. Some people are so charming that it just kills me, partially because I feel like there could be really personal things we might have in common. Maybe not. Maybe I'm the only one feeling anything; I do live in lala land. I love being emotional, but it does make things really difficult. And to try to figure out my thoughts.....I am confident in who I am, but I also care too much what others whom I care about think of me. Also, I feel like I'm fairly intuitive in terms of people's body language and characters, (maybe not, who knows) but I also am ultra sensitive and therefore construe things in a negative way. So in other words, I might be correctly reading that someone is distracted or uninterested in a conversation or whatever, but rather than realize that that could be for a million reasons that have nothing to do with me, or rather than just ignore that vibe they're giving off, I notice it, make things worse by addressing it, and assume that it has something negative to do with me. I guess I'm really self-centered like that. I get worried when I don't have information. I get obsessed until I can figure things out. I question what people think of me and if they like me. I really don't like when people I really like become under the influence of things because I like them for who they are, and that changes them. It's not like I don't like them, or that that's always the case, but I just prefer the 'real' them, and start worrying about their health when they become altered on a regular basis at all. Also, I tend to take a lot of things as a negative reflection of me, which I know is silly. So, if someone chooses not to be somewhere where I'll be, I sometimes think, well, they must not like me or else they'd want to be where I am. sorry that's obnoxious. and when I'm having fun with someone and they want to drink or whatever in addition to what we're doing, I sometimes feel like it's a slap in the face, like I'm not fun enough. I think people who drink or whatever...never mind...maybe late.r..
My first theorY: might be more of a hope in a way, or maybe it's obvious, but I feel like people who drink, smoke, etc. do so either because they're depressed, or because they feel socially inadequate, or a combination. Or because it's a reason to be social when otherwise antisocial. No one wants to be alone, and when it's hard for people to get to know people, alcohol and bars can be a great way to be out and social without having to actually be social, and face possible rejection. So, I wonder (hope) if someone became less lonely, more confident, maybe that person would be less interested in going to bars/drinking. It's really hard for me too...I am terrified of rejection and don't even like bothering talking to a lot of people...and even though that's the case, it's still hard, and it's still lonely. But I like ..well, no, I don't 'like', but I could either feel the real pain of what it's like, or try to mask the pain, and I prefer to feel the pain, although it stinks. And sometimes I really wish I had a vice to help me through, but not really. I just don't want people I care about to rely on vices to help them through because they are better than that.
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