Stuff I thought about...

I think when I make self-deprecating remarks it is because I edit myself too much. I edit myself too much because I am scared to be angry because I don't want people to be like, 'you're mad? well, screw you' and just go away. It's not worth it to me. I don't know why I think that they would do that...something to ponder. So I start out saying probably something that's more honest (I don't try to be less than honest, but sometimes I don't know the correct amount of feeling to have), and then I rethink it because I don't want to sound too mean or too whiny or whatever, and it seems like it often ends up insulting to me because that's safer than actually saying that I'm upset. Plus, I think I expect people to read between the lines...it's not their responsibility to do that though. So maybe I should experiment: when I start out saying one thing and re-think because it seems too mean and I think about rewording it, maybe I should resist the urge, say the original thing, and just see what happens. What if someone thinks I'm a bitch and is like screw her and doesn't talk to me anymore? Or likelier, just doesn't talk to me for a while? Or even better yet, maybe someone will talk to me about it; that's the healthiest option. I'm okay with talking about stuff. I don't mind people telling me they're pissed about something, or any other feeling, as long as we can work it out and they'll still be around. If it's a big enough deal, maybe they won't even be around, but most things aren't that big. This doesn't count as sharing my feelings too much because I'm just trying to figure something out about myself in a productive way. I am flattered when someone tells me constructive feedback--even if sometimes it's hard to hear--because it shows honestly and enough care to bother. The best way for us all to grow, I think, is to get other people's feedback. Not everyone agrees with this. It gets confusing. On one hand, don't worry what other people think, but then again, it's helpful to know what other people think because we are so biased about ourselves. The way I've thought about it for many years is this: no one thinks he or she is crazy (not really), but some people are crazy. Therefore, some of are are dead wrong about ourselves. No one thinks he or she is the wrong one, but some of us clearly are. SO...that means that when we are sure we're right, we might not be, so we should contemplate that sometimes. I don't know.