Journal Entry 1999

Ooo, this one's sad; was a hard time


He needs to not be so cocky
I need to not be so needy
I need to question him less
He needs to talk more
I need to be less sensitive
He needs to be more tolerant
He needs to appreciate me and stop looking for faults

Why do I feel so lonely?
I feel so beat up
work, everything
"...were you born with some disability? I just don't think you're cut out for this job. She has to be spoon-fed everything. If I were you, I'd be looking for another job."
I'm MAD
No wonder I'm feeling down and irrational and insensitive
People are so selfish.
How DARE they constantly put me down and tell me everything that's wrong with me, and THEN say you need to chill out and don't let things get to you. get a grip?!!

Q: When am I pathetic/insecure?
A: When others are pathetic FIRST
for example: incongruous behavior. Of course I'm going to start analyzing and questioning because things should match up! Bitch!

I
Lie
Awake at Night
staring at the stars--
Hoping they will
give me answers
to life--
Enlighten me.
Instead, they slowly
fade and flicker--
making me question
their very existence.
I kick my feet
so the fuzzy,
phlegm-colored
blanket becomes
a cocoon.
No part of my
body must touch
the biting, cold, crisp
sheets of reality.
Fuzz protects me--
makes me
Happy.
Safe.


Eye
Am, INN
Write Moo-ed
Two Knight(s)
Wok
into a
barcode
other one
ducks
into quack's
office
for cover
of Freebird.
Chant of Monk(eys)
Hey, hey we're the...
Peace bye Piece
cumming
Two gather
knot maching
cents.
Aayyy!
Eeee...
I owe you
know.

4-30-99. 10:35 p.m. NKP
Naked bulb
dangling
from moldy
flaking
ceiling
chain obtrusively
hanging over
my head
Begging to be pulled
steroid pumped moths
flitting ecstatically
disoriented

Aah,
Heat
Congregate
around
beautiful
brightness
warms
must fight
for space
one step sideways
two steps back
"oh, excuse me"
yeah, right.
Swarms of us
bumping
into each other
gravitating
not sure
why.
Zap!
Damn.
_______________
Easter
Sunshine
Spring, love
all about rebirth, happiness.
Yet, I am not frolicking
not skipping hand in hand
through field of daisies.
wearing black
wake up at crack of two.
sitting in basementbedroom cave.
Piles of clothes
dirty kleenex
take-out menus
sketch pads
half-read books
Twizzlers
surrounding me....
_______________________
Why
do I
always
seek escape
Long for it.
Only possibility
of solace.
First opportunity
to live in
someone else's life,
I'm there.
Feel motivated,
invigorated,
excited...
Like dressing up
in your
Mom's clothes
when you were little.
Extravagant hats and jewelry,
shoes five sizes too big,
dresses that drag on floor...
Obviously not yours,
but so fun
to pretend.