Just Watch It...the whole thing

Watch this
and you'll understand a little bit of what I find beautiful.

eeeeek!

That was incredibly strange and awkward.

Also, people need to ease up on others. Just because someone disagrees with your opinion doesn't make them stupid. I know we all think that we are the most brilliant (and we are), but how obnoxious to act like other people are stupid because they disagree with us. Who cares?

Oi, what a Mashugana!

Really, Nicole? It took watching the theatre to cheer you up? Well, at least something finally did. Now if I just had a honey here to watch it with me. Can't have everything all at once...but I Think I am going to make popcorn and just really spoil myself tonight. I've been really depressed.

well, tonight just sucked.

I need a hug so bad it's not even funny. A really long hug...one of those that is so tight that it almost hurts. I really feel so sad. I need support. Maybe my expectations about certain things really are too high, but I do think that if someone sees that you're upset (someone close to you), they should go out of their way a little bit to be nice to you for awhile.

My eyes kept tearing up at pool because I kept thinking about my mom needing surgery. It's really upsetting me. She's gone through so much, and I don't want her to keep having to go through hard stuff. I love my family and just get so scared.

somewhat better, but not much

I called my mom because I was so mad about what she said (see post below), , and she said that of COURSE she didn't mean that, and what she MEANT was that maybe I'd be more sensitive...still hurtful.

sad

Mom is upset with me for not calling for 2.5 weeks. She was very hurtful, I guess because she's hurt. She has to go in for surgery as soon as possible, which sucks...she does not need ANY more surgery EVER. So I'm worried, but then she's really mad that I haven't called. And she said, 'i can hardly WAIT for this stuff to start happening to you.' WOW! I said don't ever say anything like that. She said that I just don't get it. Maybe I need a call.' So, now I'm fighting back tears because I have to leave for pool..I don't even want to go. Please let my mom be okay, and I will continue trying to call more often. What is my problem? I may have to go out there again. so sad. I need so much more support, but I need to be so much more supportive too. ugh.

I Love CSPAN

I am so glad I remembered to listen to the healthcare debate today...I just am angry that I missed the last two days' arguments.

Supreme Court Arguments on Health Care

Is anyone else listening to the debate? It's so frustrating...a hollow shell of an argument from the conservatives

Preliminary Phone Interview = Done

Now I wait to hear from her tomorrow after she speaks with her director, but she said she is going to push for me to go forward in the process. Hurray! She was really nice and said that I sounded very pleasant already. The salary is about $2000 less than I want, and not dream job or anything, but that's okay, and It's in the Loop.

Phone Interview

scheduling for sometime this week for more info...(Priceline)

OMG Bittersweet (journal entries from 1997)

7-18-97

top margin: Isiah Berlin. Foreign Affairs. Reality-something.

Hi! Just so this is not a book of bitch and moan only - I am writing because I am in a good mood tonight; I'm pretty happy. I just saw Eric and Jill who I love so much. It was really nice visiting with them. And I was proud of myself and happy that I got Eric's favorite ice cream pie (mocha almond fudge) and I like the book I got him"....bla bla bla....
"I want to get better at knowing current literature. I just want to be more well-read. So I guess I don't feel like writing anymore - Bye!"

OMG Bittersweet (journal entries from 1997)

"July 16-17th 1:15 A.M.

I'm realizing that I think I'm really pretty hurt about..."

Okay, I'm not copying this one. It's just a bunch of wallowing about how I try to be people's friend, and no one tries to be my friend.

for example, here are some highlights (otherwise, it would be much longer!):
"I need to step outside of my little Nicole box - but I've been working on that too, and I AM JUST PISSED as all hell that nothing seems to pay off - and I have all these fucking expectations that get stomped down by the world! Why can't people come through?!! I just CANNOT BRING MYSELF to lower my expectations - that seems so wrong!"
and two pages later...
"...And my mom always says that if you put in an effort, other people will eventually return the effort/favor."
"...Are rules of social etiquette changing? Do people just not give a shit about anything anymore? The sad thing to me about "the world today" is that it seems like everyone's just in their safe little boxes where they have enough defenses to last a lifetimes, so with these intricate, elaborate defenses, they no longer need what people used to need, or care, or try, or anything. Everyone's so scared of getting hurt or whatever, that they've learned to believe that they don't need anyone. So everyone walks around in life feeling very unhappy and unfulfilled - because deep down, they know they want more, but they're not willing to do what it takes (risk vulnerability) to get it, so they would rather spend their energy learning to pretend. How fucking PATHETIC! and I DO wish that I could have a real family where there's a house, and we're all nearby, where I don't have to gulp up my family members every time I see them because I know they're only around for a short amount of time and then they're leaving again. And I'm mad that they get upset with me for not calling, helping, whatever - they do it too (Eric and Jill-'we're selfish with our time') that's ok for them, but not for me?? And I think I do have trouble being angry with family because I have this constant fear and dread of them dying which has affected how I've dealt with them since I've been about 9. I vaguely remember (or around this time) before Mom went to San Francisco (i was around 9) is when I told her I loved her - where that's when I realized that she will die - and I better let her know that I love her because I want to have the chance. A lot of what I do with family comes from this dread I have about them dying. I am very emotional about it - why don't they seem to be? (upper margin: CD? mix tape - picture and frame? book?)
I'm hoping that writing some of this will help me resolve some things, or will get me somewhere. Ok, I think I'm done ranting for now, I feel a little better. :)
People who don't like me can go to hell because - WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? --Seriously, I am a WONDERFUL person and everyone with a brain will realize that! :) (again)

4 a.m. What I just realized is that I'm LONGING TO BE CLOSE to someone - mentally (although physically too!) but I don't have a bond with anyone anymore...." bla bla bla
"I want to SHARE my passion - no, I want to have passion in common with somebody. Do I like the wrong people?" top margin: GO CANOEING! BUY AA batteries, Michelle Shocked, --bring Tom Waits to work. Go to 2nd Hand Tunes.
"Am I not happy enough to attract someone? Am I unapproachable? Do I give mixed signals? Am I too self-centered? Ok - yes, so I'll try to be less self-centered - that's hard though. See, people on one hand say, don't worry about what the other person is thinking - you can't know - work on yourself, but THEN, people say, step out of yourself, you're being too self-centered, think of the other person. HUH??Which one?? I love Tom Waits. I love passion. How redundant, but it's true - I fall head over heels for passionate, creative, witty people. I hope I (befriend) some people like that VERY SOON! I like intensity too. I want the world to know how I feel and what I want so that they can come to me. "

OMG Bittersweet

journal entries from 1997 continued (wow, I was so lame. I still obsess now, but not like I did then. I can really tell that I was insecure, unhappy, etc)...

"July 2nd (3rd) 1:30 a.m.-ish

I have finally gotten myself to cry, but there's more to come. I am so confused by the world--I think I have finally figured out that people don't want closeness - they enjoy superficiality. People are their tools, except for people who are already close friends. No new friendships seem to happen. I want closeness more than the average bear! I guess most people stop at thinking someone is cool, whereas that's just the beginning for me. I want to delve into them and get to know everything. I shouldn't make myself so vulnerable?? Or should I make myself MORE vulnerable?" (top margin: "It was a Wonderful Life. I just found out that Jimmy Stewart died yesterday at 89. :( "
"I want to see other people upset - what are their thoughts/feelings? I know they're not just those superficial people. Or are they NOT superficial, they're just that much happier than me? I think Peter deals with social awkwardness/shyness by going into jokester mode - just on autopilot to make people laugh. I think people don't want to be known, or to know others. I WANT to be known, and to know others. But everyone says, "oh everyone feels those ways - it's not just you.' So when does this occur - I don't see it - if it exists, I want to SEE it! I am VERY unhappy and disappointed with what I'm learning about the world. What the hell has happened to this stupid planet? Why are people so fucking unapproachable now? Why can't anyone open themselves up? It's like one giant defense mechanism. EVERYONE always has his/her guard up. They don't want to be known. "

"The Voyage of the Beagle"

Every time I think of that title or see that title while I'm reading it, I think of Snoopy walking down the street, or my old roommate Louis' dog Rufus. I miss Rufus. and Snoopy. But that's not who the book is about anyway!

Home Alone Two

I'm not going to pool tonight. I vont to bee aloooone.

fun

I had so much fun last night...and Saturday. That's twice in a week! I only got a little jealous about hearing about someone looking at someone else's ass even though I know better. And I apparently was only a little weird at the very end of Saturday, and I should cut myself some slack and not feel so bad about it anyway. that's all great news! I want to be sexy and attractive and have my ass looked at too (and not followed by vomiting or anything)

To anyone who might be reading this and struggles with drinking too much: Don't drink too much. I don't want to have to stress about anything. Maybe liking to drink isn't alcoholism as long as one can control it. So control it. Not every night, and know when to stop most of the time. You are more likable without it--trust me--and in terms of feeling awkward or bored without it, suck it up, and learn to relax and have fun: that's what everyone else has to do. You're no different.

No Fudge Yet

No 9" square pan. I want chocolate. I am having trouble sleeping. Too many questions whirling through my head. Maybe I'll pour chocolate syrup in my mouth. Goodnight. I can hardly wait to have a job; I hope I get the job at Chicago Shakespeare Theater. Stupid Jenny gave me crap about applying for jobs in which I have no experience. That drives her nuts. But she's dumb because she doesn't get it. I'm qualified; I've just never had that title...Public Relations Assistant. (I like the sound of it). It took forever to apply because I had to write a good cover letter, resume, of course, salary history, and three writing samples. I didn't want to only send in Sun-Times stuff, so then I had to search through email from three years ago to find the stuff I did for a corporate newsletter at a temporary position. If they're interested, I'll hear in about two weeks. But I've never worked at an arts organization, which they said they would prefer. It really is so much easier to worry about other people and think about how they could be better rather than work on myself...that's really hard.

Sorry for when I'm an ass

I hate when I lose my mind and act stupid and emotional. Please just humor me at the time and then ignore it and forget about it. I think that's the easiest course of action...or just ignore altogether. Just don't hold it against me. Everyone acts stupid sometimes.

Now I"m going to try making the fudge that I never got around to for Christmas....assuming I can find the right pan to bake it in or whatever.

I WANT IT!

What's this?! A job that actually piqued my interest?!
Public Relations Assistant - Chicago Shakespeare Theater

I'm working on the application process now.

World Water Day. Take Action!

"One billion people around the world don't have access to clean, safe water. Today you can help increase global access to safe drinking water: Take action and then please share this glass of water!"

Oh Look, More Old Notes on Envelopes

It's a horrible habit that I have--writing stuff on the backs of envelopes. and menus. and magazines.

Anyway, I just found an envelope from who knows when with the following written on it (the 'poem'...if you'd call it that...clearly just a draft of an idea...is horrible, so just ignore how lame it is, but now I can throw this away).

from top to bottom on the envelope:

"Love will consume us only in the measure of our self-surrender."
Elger
Schoenberg

tumultuous

Panic Attack in Slow Motion

Thought: I want to relax--will do tomorrow.
rostrum (?)

Thomas Mann
Schoenberg
Strauss
Mahler
Debussy

"ORANGE DULCE"
Cup
feels like five pound
marshmallow
squishing into loose bottom lip
Contents inside
Liquid -- perfect temperature
for dipping tongue
convinces nose's silia
it's dreamsicle cream
Inside my skull, neurons
dendrites, receptors
are fluffed like goosedown
pillow--snow-white
puffs dissolve into warm blanket
Texture and color like
liquid caramel
---------------

Criterion.com
Godar ?
film
La Dolce Vita
8 1/2

duh-huh-huh-huh

After an hour and a half of being in bed not being able to sleep because I was too busy laughing all by myself, I remembered that I had four cups of coffee while out tonight, and right before bed, I poured chocolate syrup into my mouth (I wanted dessert, and there wasn't any). That would explain the fits of laughter I was having with myself and my racing heartbeat. What a nerd I am.

Is it normal to picture having conversations with people in your head to the point that you're interacting as though you're actually having the conversation? I really hope so.

Oh, and I realized that I won my matches the last three nights in a row. Huzzah!

Gaming Gnews

I won pool pretty easily tonight against a 5. He should go down to a 4, and maybe I should go back up to a 4.

Downloaded "Draw something" and some random girl I'm playing just keeps writing the word when it's her turn to draw. Like for "Goofy", she just wrote "GOOFY". how is that a game? so lame.

Appropriately enough, I can't FIND the game that involves FINDING things...the one where I found 0 of 35 pictures in the picture!

In Words With Friends, I had an 'o' 'g' 'a' 's' 'm', so I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for an 'r' so I could spell "orgasm". Alas, it never came.

There. Now You Will Have a Good Day

I am in love with a cat, and his name is Maru. squeeaak!!

Funny Signs

I need to remember to post them here.

I swear I drove by a store tonight that said, "Sexy Girls of the Hollywood."

That had me laughing for several minutes.

Oh

and I need to remember to try to download the games Rich was playing...something like 'find things' and 'draw something'. My stupid iPod is too old to even download Hangman. It's not that old, but I think it's second generation and you need fourth generation. Good thing I got rid of my OLDER iPod (well, by 'got rid of' I mean 'dropped'.)

feedback on final paper and product

"I realize that you still have some revisions to make. And I have some miniscule notes with what I think are new ideas for the paper, which I have left for you at the front desk. Nothing consequential is required. But I would like to nominate your paper for an award and would love for you to have it absolutely as sensational as possible. This is really terrific!

In terms of the manual, the only thing I can think of to suggest might be some introductory comments about how someone should use the manual. For example, are you suggesting that people fill in the answers online? How should people go through the manual (all at once, in chunks, after receiving feedback)? Do you see what I am driving at? I don’t think it is self-evident for a user how they ought to engage with the manual, so some instructions could be useful.

I am also wondering if you have heard from John on these documents?

And, on a further note, did you receive my email about next steps for graduation? I would like to get your Final Committee Meeting set up."

argh!

I just noticed this description on GroovesharK:
"This app may post on your behalf, including songs you was obsessed with, artists you was obsessed with and more."

HOW can I listen in good conscience when they can't even use adequate grammar? Well, I will, but begrudgingly...and I will not allow the app to post on my behalf. The nerve...

Do you do this too?

I make all these plans for a day and then spend the entire day trying to get out of each of the plans that I had made. Today is such a day.

This one made me cry!

I don't know a THING about singing, and I don't know who this teacher is, but when the teacher sings, I am mesmerized, and it's so beautiful that I can't help but cry. The student is great, of course, but he does not evoke the emotion that the teacher's voice does. is there a way to tell by someone's speaking voice if they can sing? Anyway, here's a problem with me. The second I experience something, I notice that I want to share it with someone. Especially the poignant experiences. But then if I try to share the experience, the other person would be like, 'what the...?' or not care or something, and then it's ruined. But it just seems like I would love to see another musician experience this to see how they responded.

First Amendment Issues

The interesting thing about the first amendment and recording of photographs and videos is that it protects people who 1) have a message to communicate, and 2) have an audience for that message more than people who are just recording for personal, recreational use. Ever since doing research on the first amendment for my Sun-Times articles, I am really interested in all related issues. So, now I'm reading about ACLU vs. Alvarez, which is a case about recording on-duty police officers in public places. I think it is currently under appeal.

it took me about an hour to find out what a circuit is, and that Chicago is in the 7th Federal Judicial Circuit.

The Green Shirts Are Coming!

THE GREEN SHIRTS ARE COMMIIING!

No way, Jose, am I going out tonight. At 4:00 in the afternoon there were already hordes of the green-shirted clones all drunk in the street. Good grief, is that what being Irish is about? SO LAME. I am avoiding bars and streets, in general, like the plague tonight. I'm in my jammies and eating delivered yummy food, so, I'm good. thanks.

FRonch bread with FRonch dressing with FRonch FRies

with GReen beer and GReen bread and GREen rivers, and GReen orange juice.

Another amazing teacher

Master Class

I can't stop watching these. This teacher is amazing. It's really inspiring me to play the piano. But I really want to play on a REAL piano. It's just so much more beautiful and full. I will play on my keyboard, but it just does not do the music justice. But anyway, what I like about Schiff is how he really gets on students to tell a STORY, not to just play. It's almost like therapy or a movie or I don't know what when you listen to someone help you play in this way. It's hard to explain.

ha HA!!

So, on this nerdy International Scrabble Club app or whatever, I'm playing with someone who just challenged my use of "xu" and I won. So, eat it, debster57! :) Just kidding, I'm not competitive at all.

Would you be my

nerdy word game friend? My username is nicolekp. you just download WordBiz.
Go here

I miss just buying stuff on a whim

I like these

hrmm

what does it say about me that the only parts I like in the book I'm reading are the little sexy parts?

Reminder

This makes me so happy even though it's from last summer. It's a good reminder to me about my successes. :)

"Congratulations, Nicole! Dr. Ellen Benjamin submitted your undergraduate RS entitled "Presence of Artistic Venues in Chicago Neighborhoods" for a student excellence award. Your nominated work was consistent with the culture and philosophy of the School in creativity, clarity, depth of analysis or
expression and presentation. Therefore, the Awards committee is
unanimous in its decision to recognize your student excellence."

My First Hat

Here is my first attempt at knitting a hat. Now I want to knit more hats. Anyone need a hat??!

Huzzah! A Hat!

I made my first hat, and despite a foible that made it twice as wide as it was supposed to be, I fixed it (sorta), and now it's perfectly wearable. Now if it would just get cold outside. :) I will post a picture soon because I'm so proud to have completed it.

Eff It

I decided to send a response back. hee hee. It made me laugh to myself, but what do I have to lose? (We'll see if they respond!) Since I got SUCH a quick response saying that I am not qualified for a position for which I applied, I sent the following:

"Thank you for your timely response. In the interest of self-improvement, I was wondering if you could let me know what I was lacking in terms of qualifications for this position. Particular experience? Poor cover letter? Too much experience in the wrong type of positions?

I understand that you are very busy and may not have time to respond, but if you have the time, and don't mind, I'd really appreciate feedback.

Sincerely,

Nicole Parker."

How the heck?

How do they decide in less than ten minutes that I am not qualified for a job that I AM qualified for? Did my cover letter suck? Whenever I get incredibly quick replies like this, I REALLY want to write back and ask what made them decide I'm not qualified so quickly. GRR.

1:58 PM (12 minutes ago)

to me

Dear Nicole Katherine,

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider you for employment. We have reviewed your background and qualifications and find that we do not have an appropriate position for you at this time. We appreciate your interest in ... and wish you success in your job search.

Sincerely,

These Boots are Made For...

I wonder if I should start walking today and see how far I get. I need to get to Western and Howard. I can easily start going up Western. We'll see.

So, 'they' say that if someone likes you, they make sure to end up where you are. Am I never anywhere predictable? Or am I not that liked? Or is that one of those stupid rules that isn't necessarily true depending on what is convenient and just makes sense? (If one person is usually somewhere, then it makes sense to just go there, but then it might seem like interest is unbalanced??) Who cares...these are the thoughts that I should probably keep at bay. I'm thinking about going downtown tomorrow to play piano. That might be fun. Again, we'll see..

Pizza Dreams

That's the last time I'm eating pizza before going to bed. I've been plagued by pizza dreams all night, and by pizza dreams, I mean bad dreams that I'm being threatened with scissors, and I forgot the others, but I woke myself up moaning. :( I want to go back to bed, but I'm a little scared to.

people

I realized why I don't really like TAP. I don't really like the people for the most part. Sorry, but I just don't really care. But I will go tonight. I may walk to Clark and then take the bus stopping off to practice for awhile. hmm...

I'm trying so hard to get a job, but I refuse to work anything like retail, because it's a waste of time. But I realized that I hate it here; it stresses me out. After being at my mom's where she is so loving and things are so peaceful and organized, this is like a culture shock. It's not a loving environment. I'm waiting to find out when an interview that I am supposed to get will be.

weee

My stomach just did that jumpy thing like on a roller coaster or going over a bump really fast...just from thinking about someone. It also happened earlier just by looking at someone. It doesn't always happen, but it's so fun when it does.

I won

I had a nice time tonight. It was nice to leave early; I drove around for awhile to think. I'm a little bit in lala land.

I hope I shouldn't feel guilty for my feelings; I don't think I should too much as long as I keep them in check for now. I hope still that no one holds my feelings against me. In terms of whether I'm behaving badly or unethically or anything, I don't think I really am too much. It says it all that my first day back from being out of town for almost a week, I was left alone being less of a priority than getting drunk. I was also asked if I expected to have been missed. I hate having a lack of closeness; that's not how I ever want to live. The recurring comment that we are 'roommates' is true...and kind of sad. But it makes sense then that my feelings are moving elsewhere.

One Hundred Years of...wait, who was that again...?

I can't keep track of the characters in "One Hundred Years of Solitude" to save my life. It's easier to keep track in a Russian novel--and that's not that easy!

Michael Klare: Rising Powers Shrinking Planet

I don't know what scares me more--these facts, or people who disagree that there is a serious problem. By the way, I would highly recommend his book: "Rising Powers Shrinking Planet". It was really interesting.
Michael Klare: Rising Powers Shrinking Planet

I should probably write some more inane posts

My trip was fun; very little work and lots of shopping. After the first day of getting stuff, the next day we got even more. I need to help her find a place in Chicago. She'll be here in mid-April for a few days to work with a realtor and find a place and move in late May. I can't imagine the stress of not knowing where she'll be. I feel bad for her circumstance because she's amazing with finances and real estate savvy and still got screwed because of the housing market. So, this week, although I need to look for a job, I need to drive all over the suburbs looking for non-advertised deals. NOt sure how that will go.

I got to go swimming and read by the pool which felt really relaxing. I got my hair done by my mom's stylist who is hilarious. He's from Romania and although he's a Republican, he's very cool and sweet. My mom liked my imitation of his accent and what he talked about. Going into the salon, there was a really sweet old man who was walking toward the exit with his walker, so as I was walking in, I held the door open so he could come out before I went in. He said, "Oh, come on in. This is how I get my exercise. It's how I get big and strong for when I grow up. Very charming.

There was a really sweet girl who sat next to me on the flight home. Ever talked to someone who ended up having a Southern accent, and you never would have pictured that person as having a Southern accent, and so it's strange? That was the case. Better than the flight there when I was stuck with a middle seat (the WORST!)...to my right was a girl with really greasy hair, and to my left was an 8 ft. giant who asked if I would like to put the arm rest down. I didn't care, but said okay. Well, he then proceeded to use it for his freakishly long arms for the whole flight and getting into my elbow room. I didn't like that. And he kept sucking on his fingernails. New thing on my list of big pet peeves. And this guy had to have had blood pressure and cholesterol levels through the roof. He plowed through a big bag of Chex Mix (yum), then plowed through a smaller bag of honey crusted almonds or some such nut. Then, he ate a Payday candybar and something else that I don't remember. ok this is boring.

I spilled coffee twice on my trip: once all over mom's beautiful white sheets on my bed that have lace at the bottom and stuff. That's what she gets for serving breakfast in bed my first day there.

Then I spilled coffee all over myself last night on my flight. They had JUST given me a full cup, and it was dark, and I Don't know what I did, but it spilled all over me. It was hard not to squeal because it was really hot, but I didn't want to make a scene, but I DID ask for another cup of coffee.

ah, home

and now that I'm home, it's time for bed. Good night.
oh, but I had a totally weird shuttle driver going to the airport in AZ who told me that the day before there was a suicide at my terminal..some guy "jumped off the parking structure." He said that he believes that suicide is an "unforgivable sin", and he continued on to tell me about a friend of his in high school who committed suicide and then added, 'it's not the way I would have chosen to go...' obviously he wanted me to take the bait, so I said hesitantly, '...oh..?' and then he said that he owns a SCUBA shop and something about nitrogen and too much of it while down deep in the water is like laughing gas (nitrous oxide?) and so you laugh and laugh and then die. he was really weird how he kept talking about suicide. whatevz.

stupid

Well, part of my job while I am in AZ is to help my mom figure out her Android 'smart' phone. As a result, I took this stupid picture backwards at myself. (woops, it's not an Android)

Dinner for one: I made dinner, but mom was asleep.

Really?!

Joe the Plumber is running for Congress? Oi. He endorsed Cain's "999 program" and he got Herman Cain's endorsement?! Oh my gosh, that's enough to run fast in the other direction. He's on MSNBC right now...I REALLY wish he'd stop saying, bla bla bla, Mr O'Donnell. It sounds so pathetic. I love knowing a tid bit about nonverbal communication because I was watching 'Mr. O'Connell's body language while Joe the Plumber was talking, and it was just kind of funny. I think he was concealing a smirk. "These hands are calloused because I WORK for a living." oh bite me. I hate that mentality.

There is no ice cream here--only Sorbet--what kind of a sad substitute is that?!

*Exercise*

does it count at all as exercise to have done 50 jumping jacks and a few sit-ups and leg lifts while watching Midnight in Paris and before eating M&Ms?

I have a headache. I think it's the lack of stimulation, which is exactly what I wanted, but still...a bit boring. Mom just went to bed, and so I should try to go to bed soon too. Hmm. It reminds me of that old Seinfeld episode where he goes to visit his parents in Boca and they go to the early bird dinner at like 3 p.m. for the discount and run into all their friends, and the place is freezing, and they go to bed at like 8 and wake up at like 5. not so different...but MY mom's cool...she's just getting over having had the pneumonia. How are things there? Lonely without me? Oh yes, that's what I thought. Such a pity. just kidding. So, I realized today that I'm getting into Chicago Sunday morning at 5 a.m., and I figured I'd just take the train home because that would almost be rush hour. But I just realized it's a Sunday. I think it will still be fine, but maybe there will be some creepies on the train. I had to kind of lie to my mom because we went shopping and she wanted to buy me clothes, and after finding about $80 worth of stuff, she said she could pay $30, and what could I pay? hmm....well, the only money I had with me was the money to take a cab home. But I told her what I had, and we put some of the clothes away, but got the rest. Oh my god, this is like talking about cutting strawberries. Well, I've written this much...anyway, so I told her it was money to get home, but that was okay because I'd just take the train home. Well, she was very vehement that I not do that because it's not safe and so gave me $10 back and asked if that was enough for a cab. I didn't have the heart to tell her no, so I said I'd take a cab, but I'll be taking the train. I think it should be fine. Whoever is reading this: be good and take good care of yourselves because I don't want to have to worry.

I had so much fun the night before I left. I keep thinking about it off and on. No one else probably is, but I'm kind of used to thinking about things longer than most. ok, laterz.

Calm before the storm?

So far i havent had to do anything except chat and get served breakfast in bed. Not bad...i think mom just wanted company. Ok more later. Have a good day.

music download

here is a link to download Beethoven songs...I think it will work for others... I need to break the habit of using ellipses.

list of recommendations from about 5-6 years ago.

My gosh, that is crazy that stuff in my purse was that old.
Anyway, so I can throw this stupid piece of tattered paper away...
Lewis' suggestions for some reading:

Love Song With Motor Vehicles
The Book of Light (Lucille Clifton)
What Said Serif (?) Nathaniel Mackey
What Narcissism Means to Me (I think I have this book now though)
Zero Star Motel (or Hotel?)--Anselm Berrigan
Ray Gonzalez

(and I remember him mentioning some biography of Liszt that I'd like to find)

came across something I wrote

in changing purses (finally), I came across ramblings on a little piece of paper. I remember writing it at a bar when I was feeling awkward. I know it was within the last year, and I know that it's been more than a few months. I think I should put any of my ramblings that I Find here so I can throw the pieces of paper away.

"I feel so nervous -- I think this is when I start feeling like I'm fake, on camera, judged, etc. So, it's an anxiety thing. When I'm relaxed, maybe I DON'T actually have these issues. That's actually kind of encouraging. It doesn't make me feel so fake and weird. I wonder if I make others as uncomfortable as I feel."

(so..the answer is somewhat 'yes'.)

Oh yeah, yesterday exercise 3-3

I exercised yesterday, wait, no two days ago...Saturday March 3rd I did "Pick Your Spot" pilates.

dream already

I had a dream that just woke me up where I was driving on a long dark highway. None of the lights in the car's interior worked, and although the headlights seemed to be on, they were providing no light. I realized that I was basically driving blind and got kind of freaked out and knew that I needed to find a place to pull over. Then I heard someone honk and felt myself go off the road. I carefully pumped the brakes so as to not slide or anything, and ended up off road in a grassy area. Then there was a car next to me at a stop sign while I sat in the dark trying to make a phone call, and there was a guy riding his bicycle crossing the intersection. He was friendly and smiled at me or said hi, and then the guy in the car got out of his car and started yelling at the guy like they were having an argument. But then nothing happened. That's when I woke up. Grrr, I hate dreams that I can read significance into.

Good night all you sweeties. You know what I like? When I picture other people and am pretty sure that they are doing approximately the same thing that I am doing...especially when it's just within a matter of miles. So cool. Like if we're all at home and either in bed or on our computers or talking to someone at home...three choices...we're all probably doing one of the three. I don't like so much when it's early enough that I don't know if people are out gallavanting around getting drunk and stupid or being cooler and more social than me. But once it's late enough...ahhh, I can relax in the idea that we're all doing about the same thing. Isn't that weird? are you in your pajamas too?! Do you have a glass of water in front of you? Is your hair in a bun on top of your head? Is your hard drive buzzing? (I really need a new computer) Do you hear cars on the expressway or a train going by or anything? okay, I'll be going back to bed in about 5 minutes. night.

Here, Nicole...remember

be sure to connect what you present to how you will apply this knowledge to the creation of your “product.”

1) The Works Cited list should be in alphabetical order.

2) You want to add a Title Page and Table of Contents and page numbers.

3) You don’t need to leave an extra line between paragraphs.

4) Be sure you are consistent in indenting paragraphs.

what's that???

It's been a long time since I've been creeped out by noises, but I AM CREEPED OUT BY NOISES right now and for the last ten minutes!

cautiously happy

I'm relaxing and letting my mind wander and listening to really really cheesy music, so I better be careful or I'll be crying in five minutes!

I'm thinking once I have my degree in a matter of months, maybe I should work on getting a teaching certificate. I used to not even consider teaching because my parents were both in education, but I think I'd be good at it, and I don't usually mind snot-nosed little punks too much....and I'd have summers off...that's the important part. Then I'd still hopefully get my PsyD to be a clinical psychologist. Just a thought.