journal entries from 1997 continued (wow, I was so lame. I still obsess now, but not like I did then. I can really tell that I was insecure, unhappy, etc)...
"July 2nd (3rd) 1:30 a.m.-ish
I have finally gotten myself to cry, but there's more to come. I am so confused by the world--I think I have finally figured out that people don't want closeness - they enjoy superficiality. People are their tools, except for people who are already close friends. No new friendships seem to happen. I want closeness more than the average bear! I guess most people stop at thinking someone is cool, whereas that's just the beginning for me. I want to delve into them and get to know everything. I shouldn't make myself so vulnerable?? Or should I make myself MORE vulnerable?" (top margin: "It was a Wonderful Life. I just found out that Jimmy Stewart died yesterday at 89. :( "
"I want to see other people upset - what are their thoughts/feelings? I know they're not just those superficial people. Or are they NOT superficial, they're just that much happier than me? I think Peter deals with social awkwardness/shyness by going into jokester mode - just on autopilot to make people laugh. I think people don't want to be known, or to know others. I WANT to be known, and to know others. But everyone says, "oh everyone feels those ways - it's not just you.' So when does this occur - I don't see it - if it exists, I want to SEE it! I am VERY unhappy and disappointed with what I'm learning about the world. What the hell has happened to this stupid planet? Why are people so fucking unapproachable now? Why can't anyone open themselves up? It's like one giant defense mechanism. EVERYONE always has his/her guard up. They don't want to be known. "
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