"July 16-17th 1:15 A.M.
I'm realizing that I think I'm really pretty hurt about..."
Okay, I'm not copying this one. It's just a bunch of wallowing about how I try to be people's friend, and no one tries to be my friend.
for example, here are some highlights (otherwise, it would be much longer!):
"I need to step outside of my little Nicole box - but I've been working on that too, and I AM JUST PISSED as all hell that nothing seems to pay off - and I have all these fucking expectations that get stomped down by the world! Why can't people come through?!! I just CANNOT BRING MYSELF to lower my expectations - that seems so wrong!"
and two pages later...
"...And my mom always says that if you put in an effort, other people will eventually return the effort/favor."
"...Are rules of social etiquette changing? Do people just not give a shit about anything anymore? The sad thing to me about "the world today" is that it seems like everyone's just in their safe little boxes where they have enough defenses to last a lifetimes, so with these intricate, elaborate defenses, they no longer need what people used to need, or care, or try, or anything. Everyone's so scared of getting hurt or whatever, that they've learned to believe that they don't need anyone. So everyone walks around in life feeling very unhappy and unfulfilled - because deep down, they know they want more, but they're not willing to do what it takes (risk vulnerability) to get it, so they would rather spend their energy learning to pretend. How fucking PATHETIC! and I DO wish that I could have a real family where there's a house, and we're all nearby, where I don't have to gulp up my family members every time I see them because I know they're only around for a short amount of time and then they're leaving again. And I'm mad that they get upset with me for not calling, helping, whatever - they do it too (Eric and Jill-'we're selfish with our time') that's ok for them, but not for me?? And I think I do have trouble being angry with family because I have this constant fear and dread of them dying which has affected how I've dealt with them since I've been about 9. I vaguely remember (or around this time) before Mom went to San Francisco (i was around 9) is when I told her I loved her - where that's when I realized that she will die - and I better let her know that I love her because I want to have the chance. A lot of what I do with family comes from this dread I have about them dying. I am very emotional about it - why don't they seem to be? (upper margin: CD? mix tape - picture and frame? book?)
I'm hoping that writing some of this will help me resolve some things, or will get me somewhere. Ok, I think I'm done ranting for now, I feel a little better. :)
People who don't like me can go to hell because - WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? --Seriously, I am a WONDERFUL person and everyone with a brain will realize that! :) (again)
4 a.m. What I just realized is that I'm LONGING TO BE CLOSE to someone - mentally (although physically too!) but I don't have a bond with anyone anymore...." bla bla bla
"I want to SHARE my passion - no, I want to have passion in common with somebody. Do I like the wrong people?" top margin: GO CANOEING! BUY AA batteries, Michelle Shocked, --bring Tom Waits to work. Go to 2nd Hand Tunes.
"Am I not happy enough to attract someone? Am I unapproachable? Do I give mixed signals? Am I too self-centered? Ok - yes, so I'll try to be less self-centered - that's hard though. See, people on one hand say, don't worry about what the other person is thinking - you can't know - work on yourself, but THEN, people say, step out of yourself, you're being too self-centered, think of the other person. HUH??Which one?? I love Tom Waits. I love passion. How redundant, but it's true - I fall head over heels for passionate, creative, witty people. I hope I (befriend) some people like that VERY SOON! I like intensity too. I want the world to know how I feel and what I want so that they can come to me. "
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