Saturday, June 30, 2012
PPS Sucks
I have coined the term (not sure if others have too--probably) "Phantom Phone Syndrome." I suffer from this affliction horribly; I often think I either hear my phone buzzing or feel it vibrating. I get all excited that maybe I'm getting a message; alas, I usually am not. It's not the worst thing though because 90 percent of the messages I get are terribly mundane.
I'm a sucker.
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progress!
one: I got a new keyboard. Kind of craapy, but also, only $4.00! When I have a job, I'll get my $50 Apple thin keyboard replaced.
two: I wrote two posts about my feelings, but saved them as drafts rather than posting, so only I can see them and then delete them. Usually, I'd have posted them and shared T.M.I. with the world. Proud of me? I am. It's hard though; I always feel like...oh my gosh, I almost slipped into again. I WILL NOT SAY HOW I FEEL. I AM A STOIC.
two: I wrote two posts about my feelings, but saved them as drafts rather than posting, so only I can see them and then delete them. Usually, I'd have posted them and shared T.M.I. with the world. Proud of me? I am. It's hard though; I always feel like...oh my gosh, I almost slipped into again. I WILL NOT SAY HOW I FEEL. I AM A STOIC.
Anna
I'm hoping I can forge a better relationship with Anna my friend in Canada. We talk periodically. I just emailed her with an old picture I have of her from circa 1989 in our kitchen.
Have I already posted this?
One of the articles I wrote. If you enlarge, you can see my byline. That was one of my proudest moments.
Kitties!
Truth be told, I only befriended this woman on FB so that I could see pictures of her cats.
zomg rain!
Don't be deceived by the popcorn-popping raindrops...it's actually raining kind of hard, but in a nice, romantic kind of way. I walked back and forth in the grass for about ten minutes, and then the inside felt FREEZING!!! I always think of other people out in the rain too ; that's nice.
Friday, June 29, 2012
2007 san fran
It's embarrassing that every picture of me shows my bottom lip chapped because I'm always picking at it. I should really stop that.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
it took two days
I am fine now and no longer obsessing. There is no better feeling than having people who know you and care about you. My mom said, "what's really bothering you? because you only obsess about stuff like this usually when something else is the matter." She also said that when someone pulls away/needs space that my first impulse is to hold on tighter to them. That's true because I get scared of losing them forever. Jenny said that I sometimes make up a fantasy world where I imagine things being how I want them to be. But then when I see reality being different, then I end up even more upset. I agree with my mom more, but they're both right.
Although I don't like when people say WOOT....
WOOT!
I just found out that I lost another 3.4 pounds. That puts my grand total at 14 pounds (10.4 since starting vegan.)
That fucking rocks.
I just found out that I lost another 3.4 pounds. That puts my grand total at 14 pounds (10.4 since starting vegan.)
That fucking rocks.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
so stupid
ha ha ha. I just thought it was so funny that I'm eating a snack of veggies and guacamole (you make do with what's around), and my first bite was dipping a cherry tomato in the guacamole...I got a part with tomato in it. So I ended up with a tomato chunk on a cherry tomato. For some reason, that just cracked me up. Guess I need to get out more.
Weird, but YAY!
I got four call-backs about my resume today. One is from a friendly-acquaintance whose company is hiring, so she put in a good word for me, and her supervisor wants my resume. Sent. Then two from temp agencies, and one customer service that I don't have the weird program experience that they want, but that's okay. I'm going to take that momentum and apply to as many more as I can today.
thank you
thanks to bartender for mentioning Walgreens corporate hiring: I just applied for a position; let's hope I hear back.
hee hee
Weird that Jenny just posted this tonight when we were just talking about French. Oh and before I forget, the name of the book recommended is "Tune Up Your French"...or something like that. Now that I reminded myself, I can look it up later.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
it's in the bag
job requirements:
"Flexibility and the ability to wear multiple hats within an organization"
me: "I can do the splits, and I LOVE hats. I'll wear them anywhere!"
(I didn't really say that, but I thought it. Yes, I'm a dork; so WHAT?!)
"Flexibility and the ability to wear multiple hats within an organization"
me: "I can do the splits, and I LOVE hats. I'll wear them anywhere!"
(I didn't really say that, but I thought it. Yes, I'm a dork; so WHAT?!)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Brave
We went to see Brave at the theatre in Evanston tonight. Stupid movie tricked me into crying. grrr. As I always say, every movie that has anything sad to do with family always makes me cry. I didn't know it was going to be touching about her mom...I lost it at those parts. Anyone who cried during "Stuart Saves His Family" can cry during "Brave", I guess.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Did I really just say that?!
"Instead of leaving later now, I'll leave earlier later."
Wow. Brain works not so good on not much sleep in the morning.
Jenny's. Grocery store. Drop off Scott at his pool. Eric's.
Wow. Brain works not so good on not much sleep in the morning.
Jenny's. Grocery store. Drop off Scott at his pool. Eric's.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
So...what are you trying to say?
I just got this text message:
"WARNING: Too much exposure to the Internet! Step away from the computer NOW! Go outside. There's a huge ball of gas burning in the sky for you to see."
whatevs.
"WARNING: Too much exposure to the Internet! Step away from the computer NOW! Go outside. There's a huge ball of gas burning in the sky for you to see."
whatevs.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Politics
This might be dumb for me to just think about, (obvious) but here it is:
Politicians are always skewing things into their favor, and most, if not all, politicians exaggerate and minimize in such a way as to benefit themselves. I think the reason they make a conscious decision to do this is that most citizens don't check the facts or maybe even pay attention to the news much. So, they weigh their losses: we can either use this deceptive statement in an ad and have many people not question it--but the people who do question it will clearly see that we were being deceptive--or be completely honest and not get votes--but have the respect of people who pay attention for our integrity.
In the current state of sound bites, access to information that perhaps we shouldn't have (I feel like with learning comes some responsibility to think critically that too many people probably don't take), and biased news coverage, it may be more necessary than ever for politicians to use this tactic. If citizens did their part more, maybe politicians could be more honest.
I don't know if this makes any sense or is completely idiotic. I guess I'll have to think on it.
Politicians are always skewing things into their favor, and most, if not all, politicians exaggerate and minimize in such a way as to benefit themselves. I think the reason they make a conscious decision to do this is that most citizens don't check the facts or maybe even pay attention to the news much. So, they weigh their losses: we can either use this deceptive statement in an ad and have many people not question it--but the people who do question it will clearly see that we were being deceptive--or be completely honest and not get votes--but have the respect of people who pay attention for our integrity.
In the current state of sound bites, access to information that perhaps we shouldn't have (I feel like with learning comes some responsibility to think critically that too many people probably don't take), and biased news coverage, it may be more necessary than ever for politicians to use this tactic. If citizens did their part more, maybe politicians could be more honest.
I don't know if this makes any sense or is completely idiotic. I guess I'll have to think on it.
Stretching on Romney’s Fees
Stretching on Romney’s Fees
(I'm voting for Obama. Period. Nevertheless, I do think it's fair to present when EITHER side is deceptive in their ads, statistics, et cetera.)
Results
Since April, I've lost 11 pounds. YAY. Now I really need to start exercising--that was just from change in food (not so much vegan, I think, as not ordering delivery all the time!)
urgh
Whether or not we want to believe it, our actions deeply affect others. I wish people cared more about others. I wish people opened up and shared more. I wish people were rational and dealt with things in a healthy manner. I wish my expectations weren't seen as being too high. I wish I could care less and try less to control things to make them how I want them to be. But isn't that what we're supposed to do...make our lives how we want them to be? I guess the thing I'm doing wrong is finding people I love and then trying to make them change the things I feel are unhealthy or bad or not whatever because I love them (not stop being themselves, but improve upon themselves like I'm trying to do with myself)...I guess other people stop loving people when they don't act how they want them to act. Yes? No?
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Vegan, Vegetarian, and Other
Here
For the last five or six weeks, I have been eating vegan except for a few times (one pork chop, forgetting and putting cream in my coffee twice, a chocolate peanut butter dessert that was so sinfully delicious that I'm assuming it was not vegan, and...oh yeah, fish fry when I went out with my dad and his wife last weekend). ANYWAY...it seems as though there is no answer when it comes to the healthiness of vegan diet vs. non-vegan. This isn't forever, but it's an interesting change of pace. I do worry about protein.
For the last five or six weeks, I have been eating vegan except for a few times (one pork chop, forgetting and putting cream in my coffee twice, a chocolate peanut butter dessert that was so sinfully delicious that I'm assuming it was not vegan, and...oh yeah, fish fry when I went out with my dad and his wife last weekend). ANYWAY...it seems as though there is no answer when it comes to the healthiness of vegan diet vs. non-vegan. This isn't forever, but it's an interesting change of pace. I do worry about protein.
Please Sign This
Thanks for signing the petition telling Boehner and Cantor not to let student loan rates double.
We need Republicans to work with Democrats in Congress and President Obama to make college more affordable, help students manage their loans, and to push efforts to get the economy moving again.
Please forward this email to 3 of your friends right now and encourage them to add their name at here.
We need Republicans to work with Democrats in Congress and President Obama to make college more affordable, help students manage their loans, and to push efforts to get the economy moving again.
Please forward this email to 3 of your friends right now and encourage them to add their name at here.
Learning from Wordnik
In order to be in a state of supination, it is constitutive to be able to turn your hand upward.
I'm not satisfied with this
You Smell.
__________
Obsession.
I can’t stop thinking about it—
wakes me up and puts me to bed.
Possesses some quality that lures me in,
the rest of the time is filled with
Regret.
I’m sorry I ever met you—
because now I can’t forget you.
Preoccupy myself with tasks,
prick skin with tacks,
there’s no
Evasion.
I hide under my blanket—
your eyes are squinting at me.
I get in the shower,
you’re already wet.
Go for a stroll and see you
across the street tripping
all over your
Charm.
I’m sure—
this is your best quality.
Silliness and humor;
adorable smile, and
warmth like homemade bread.
__________
Obsession.
I can’t stop thinking about it—
wakes me up and puts me to bed.
Possesses some quality that lures me in,
the rest of the time is filled with
Regret.
I’m sorry I ever met you—
because now I can’t forget you.
Preoccupy myself with tasks,
prick skin with tacks,
there’s no
Evasion.
I hide under my blanket—
your eyes are squinting at me.
I get in the shower,
you’re already wet.
Go for a stroll and see you
across the street tripping
all over your
Charm.
I’m sure—
this is your best quality.
Silliness and humor;
adorable smile, and
warmth like homemade bread.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I need to try this
I think this is the same recipe my Grandma used to make too, and it was the best.
WHEAT BREAD RECIPE FROM JOY AND AUNT NANCY
1 1/2 Cup of warm water
3Table spoons of butter
3Table spoons of brown sugar (or Honey)
2 Teaspoons of salt............
in sauce pan stir until dissolved and melted
set aside to cool
1/2 Cup of warm water
1 teaspoon of sugar
2 packages of dry yeast
stir lightly and let it set until it is tripled it's size
1 egg
2 cups of whole wheat flour
2 cup of white flour
add mixture of butter, salt and milk
add yeast mixture
beat with a mixer until smooth
Add white flour (approx. 2 cups)
until it is not too sticky and easier to manage
put it on the counter with a white flour floor and kneed until it feels like a babies bottom..........that is what Mom always said????
Put it in a bowl and let it raise for 1 hour..........somewhere warm
Kneed it again with a very little flour and cut it into two parts.
grease two bread pan with butter or crisco and let it raise for another 30 minutes.
Cook at 350 for 30 minutes........butter the top when done and enjoy!!!
Let me know how it turns out......just so you know, it took me several time to make it be anywhere near Mom's!
WHEAT BREAD RECIPE FROM JOY AND AUNT NANCY
1 1/2 Cup of warm water
3Table spoons of butter
3Table spoons of brown sugar (or Honey)
2 Teaspoons of salt............
in sauce pan stir until dissolved and melted
set aside to cool
1/2 Cup of warm water
1 teaspoon of sugar
2 packages of dry yeast
stir lightly and let it set until it is tripled it's size
1 egg
2 cups of whole wheat flour
2 cup of white flour
add mixture of butter, salt and milk
add yeast mixture
beat with a mixer until smooth
Add white flour (approx. 2 cups)
until it is not too sticky and easier to manage
put it on the counter with a white flour floor and kneed until it feels like a babies bottom..........that is what Mom always said????
Put it in a bowl and let it raise for 1 hour..........somewhere warm
Kneed it again with a very little flour and cut it into two parts.
grease two bread pan with butter or crisco and let it raise for another 30 minutes.
Cook at 350 for 30 minutes........butter the top when done and enjoy!!!
Let me know how it turns out......just so you know, it took me several time to make it be anywhere near Mom's!
My first sonnet: by NKP
Stupid Sonnet
I’m in an artistic kind of a mood—
wanting to paint, write, traverse the lands;
I’m recalling my childhood—
thinking of tiny rings, bracelets, hands
I’m trying to write my first sonnet—you know?
I used as my model Sylvia Plath;
I’m reading her unabridged journals—slow
when I should be taking a bath
It’s comforting that she felt some of the same—
even though she was only nineteen;
so what if I’m frustrated and take all the blame—
I’m still wiser than I’ve ever been.
Shit, I thought this sonnet was done;
please bear with me—I’m having fun.
I’m in an artistic kind of a mood—
wanting to paint, write, traverse the lands;
I’m recalling my childhood—
thinking of tiny rings, bracelets, hands
I’m trying to write my first sonnet—you know?
I used as my model Sylvia Plath;
I’m reading her unabridged journals—slow
when I should be taking a bath
It’s comforting that she felt some of the same—
even though she was only nineteen;
so what if I’m frustrated and take all the blame—
I’m still wiser than I’ve ever been.
Shit, I thought this sonnet was done;
please bear with me—I’m having fun.
Did I post this one? by NKP
This one’s for you
This one goes out
to all the editors
whose pens are poised
at the bottom of an N
for Nicole. For No.
Rejected.
So sorry.
Try again.
The character I’m building
is too big for my novel
approach to esteem
that is running
out of steam
This one goes out
to all the editors
whose pens are poised
at the bottom of an N
for Nicole. For No.
Rejected.
So sorry.
Try again.
The character I’m building
is too big for my novel
approach to esteem
that is running
out of steam
Somewhere Out There
I don't remember if I have posted this poem that I wrote once:
Somewhere Out There
on certain breezy summer nights,
I assume a cat stance on my bed.
Elbows perch on windowsill—
I stare into the breeze—
I try to catch an other’s thoughts.
As I see nothing
but waves, or streetlights and trees—
I sing the wrong words to
Somewhere Out There.
I serenade a person or two
and pathetically do my best—
to send them my messages, telepathically.
I almost believe he too, is staring—
misty-eyed, out his window—
thinking about how I’m breathing
the same air out my window as him.
I sing my message to the birds,
hoping they’re carrier pigeons on call—
I’ve never heard back, or at least not for sure,
so I say back what I wanted the wind to record—
hugging myself with a lullaby—to sleep.
Somewhere Out There
on certain breezy summer nights,
I assume a cat stance on my bed.
Elbows perch on windowsill—
I stare into the breeze—
I try to catch an other’s thoughts.
As I see nothing
but waves, or streetlights and trees—
I sing the wrong words to
Somewhere Out There.
I serenade a person or two
and pathetically do my best—
to send them my messages, telepathically.
I almost believe he too, is staring—
misty-eyed, out his window—
thinking about how I’m breathing
the same air out my window as him.
I sing my message to the birds,
hoping they’re carrier pigeons on call—
I’ve never heard back, or at least not for sure,
so I say back what I wanted the wind to record—
hugging myself with a lullaby—to sleep.
I'm just sitting here
So, why am I so tense? I'm spending too much time worrying about other people's goings on again, rather than my own. But I don't feel like working now; it's evening. yawn...bored.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
May I PLEASE please please Have a kitten?
I want a kitten...or at least access to a kitten if I can't have one.
Maybe Jenny will get another one soon; I doubt it..she's on three cats right now.
All the kitty videos everywhere just tease me with the cutieness.
Maybe Jenny will get another one soon; I doubt it..she's on three cats right now.
All the kitty videos everywhere just tease me with the cutieness.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Pomplamoose
I know we've all had it with the over-playing of La Vie en Rose by Edith Piaf, but I still like it, and I like this cover too. Now I'm going to finish the dishes so that I can play some piano. Tomorrow Mom needs me to take her to Ikea (ugh!) and then I need to make myself go to pool tomorrow night. I wasn't going to go, but that was a pretty immature idea on my part. I don't know where yet. I wish I could say more or see who I want to see...like hang out. He makes me happy and more fulfilled than most people. Sorry that sounds stupid. I want to make him feel good. I hope I do. I really do hope. It's good to remember that sometimes things have to change, feel uncomfortable, and sometimes generally suck in order to get better. It's when there is discomfort that things can clear up and get better. I think.
good night
I've worn myself out looking at dresses online for the last hour. I should just pick one, and if it's wrong, I can just return it. The rain was fun tonight.
Now I will fall asleep while making up scenarios with my imagination. I like doing that; I don't have to wait for things to be how I want them to be, and I don't have to wait for people to do what I want them to do, and they can't disappoint me. They will succumb to my will. mwaa haa haa haaaa.
Now I will fall asleep while making up scenarios with my imagination. I like doing that; I don't have to wait for things to be how I want them to be, and I don't have to wait for people to do what I want them to do, and they can't disappoint me. They will succumb to my will. mwaa haa haa haaaa.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
sweet dreams
I had a dream that my friend (...) was singing to me and had a really pretty voice. It was nice and soothing.
how I spent the last couple hours
Watch Rigoletto from Mantua on PBS. See more from Great Performances.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I'll get my shit together
Today I start therapy again. It can't hurt. My emotions have been all over the place lately, and my reactions have been less than ideal, and I just need help getting through this hard time. I don't think that makes me weak; I think that makes me strong. I feel absolutely horrible that I may have overstepped boundaries with a couple things I said to my friend last night; maybe I was speaking partially from my own issues; I'm really sorry. I don't think it's normal to be crying as much as I have been lately. Maybe his decision is a good, healthy one for him. Hopefully, it's just for the summer. I'm sure I"ll still get to see him, but I guess it just scared me so much because I have an issue with people going away anyway. I hope this works out well for him.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Subtle as a turd in a punchbowl
That's what my mom used to say about me.
I went into to a bar earlier tonight--didn't see anyone I liked--made an excuse about maybe coming back later--and left. ugh.
Tomorrow I have to go set up mom's computer and printer. I don't know how to set up the firewall though, which is worrisome because I'm sure she'll say 'that's okay,' and it's not okay because she uses Windows. One thing at a time!
I think pool starts tomorrow, but with whom? If our usual captain-type person is not going to be on the team, is she still going to send out the usual email about where we're playing? We need new leadership!
I went into to a bar earlier tonight--didn't see anyone I liked--made an excuse about maybe coming back later--and left. ugh.
Tomorrow I have to go set up mom's computer and printer. I don't know how to set up the firewall though, which is worrisome because I'm sure she'll say 'that's okay,' and it's not okay because she uses Windows. One thing at a time!
I think pool starts tomorrow, but with whom? If our usual captain-type person is not going to be on the team, is she still going to send out the usual email about where we're playing? We need new leadership!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
boo hoo
I think this might be a panic attack..I'm bawling and can't catch my breath and hurt my toe and am carrying on. I'm by myself because I've been pissing off Scott constantly lately. I can't stand the tension and anger and my fingers are shaking. And after 4 or 5 weeks of loving that he hasn't been drinking, he bought liquor tonight and that started me being so upset. I'm just miserable and alone and there's no worse time to feel that way than on a beautiful summer weekend.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Screw New Dresses
For now, I just found two dresses in the back of my closet that I forgot about. At least one of them fits, so there. I'm wearing it now, as a matter of fact. I don't think I've ever worn it!!
Changing habitual behavior
If you don't like something that you're currently doing, what's the issue? Actually, it doesn't really matter what the issue is in terms of behavior modification. Continuing to do something you don't like is like saying, 'I wish i could spell Connecticut." Well...just do that then. From my own experience with habits, I know how hard it is to change, but my advice from changing SOME stuff is JUST START. Not tomorrow. Not in 6 hours. Now. It starts out as a game; a challenge. Let me just try this. And a whole lot of energy goes into changing stuff; buying new food; finding ways to relax; finding new hobbies; whatever it is. It's good that your energy goes to that. Then, it becomes a source of pride: I've gone this long; why stop now? Then, after maybe a couple of weeks, it becomes more natural, and you start seeing results. That's the best part. For example, a month ago, I switched to a vegan diet, and three weeks later my blood pressure had dropped 30 points! That is amazing. I've only lost seven pounds, but that's better than gaining or stagnating. So, the difficult part becomes rewarding. I don't know if this can help anyone, but if so, then good.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Mom Wisdom
It was kind of funny. I went to help my mom unpack some more today. Once I was already tired, she asked me to move this super-heavy plastic bin and then wanted to empty it an replace with two smaller ones. For some reason, this just got me so upset, and I was carrying on a bit too much for a stupid box, so my mom finally said, 'hmm, why don't we take a break and discuss what's really bothering you because it's not the box.' I ended up crying and telling her how scared I was about her surgery and recovery and trying to do everything right and trying to control what she did and didn't do because I didn't know what she's capable of right now, and the stress going on at home, and the stress of a couple other things. That was really cathartic.
She also made another really good point. She said that when people are really negative or down on people or whatever it's usually not that, but that they are frustrated or worried about things in their lives that are scarier or more complex to deal with. hmm.
She also made another really good point. She said that when people are really negative or down on people or whatever it's usually not that, but that they are frustrated or worried about things in their lives that are scarier or more complex to deal with. hmm.
Reminder
It will be so nice to eventually be with someone who wants to be supportive of me, who can think of someone besides himself, put in a little effort...emotionally, someone who is affectionate, someone who likes to rubs someone's back and give them hugs, as well as get back rubs and get hugs. It would be nice to be with someone who doesn't make everything such an ordeal. Someone who can set aside logic sometimes and just understand that this is how I feel. Someone who cares about family. Someone who has drive. There are a lot of really nice things that someone else won't have too, and I will miss those...like imitating silly noises that the other person makes: like ooOOOOOo and then Hrrrrmmm? or grrrrr or whatever. and having someone who enjoys cooking fancy meals and going out go fancy restaurants. and playing the "do you like...?" game, e.g. "Nicole, do you like cupcakes?" "YES, I DO!" Do you like puppies. yeah!! do you like frogs? yeah. do you like olives? NO!!!
Hats
I finally got the hats today that I inherited from my Aunt Annella. I need to talk to my mom though because I think she took all the fancy, custom-made ones. I want at least one of those. Nevertheless, it's fun to have about six sunhats and about 8 berets.
Stupid pretty music
When I first started listening to this song I started daydreaming about how I love when songs are such that they allow your mind to wander. Within ten seconds of listening, I burst into tears. It's just striking me as so beautiful as I'm listening to it. And...it's over already. damn. I'll have to listen again. That was so evocative for me. Sometimes when I hear beautiful music, I start thinking of others I know who are passionate about music and wondering how it strikes them, or just picturing them experiencing music on their own, and it's a nice and intimate feeling; is that the right word for it? I want to share and learn and discuss.
giddy like a schoolgirl
I wish it was easier to get to the point of having really great conversations. It's really hard to get into one of those sometimes with people, and it seems kind of random. If I could plan those conversations, I'd plan them for every time I see him! But maybe they're really wearing; I know he likes to think things through after the fact (right?) Does he enjoy conversations like I do, or is it just small talk, or inane, or bullshit, or boring, or whatever else? Maybe it feels close, but not necessarily pleasant? I wonder. Anyway, I'm always up for a meaningful conversation: always! I don't know how good I seem at sharing things about myself: do I seem narcissistic and like I only talk about myself, or do I seem to not open up at all? I'm not sure. If I'm not sharing, and you want to know about me, just ask questions. Ask away. I love sharing stuff, and I think there is nothing that I will not share when asked.
You Have to Ask Yourself...
Do you feel lucky? Well do ya?...punk?
No but seriously...
1. When/where/with whom do you feel that you can be yourself and do so comfortably?
2. What/where/with whom do you feel sheer joy? What do you do or who do you talk to that you just feel an innocent happiness? e.g. riding your bike, listening to Bach, playing piano, hiking...whatever (not intoxication...something good without the shitty after-effects and complicated emotions attached)
3. What makes you excited like a little kid? Really excited? What do you feel passionate about?
4. If you don't really feel joy from anything that you used to feel joy doing, it might be time for therapy or medication...not to sound flippant, but seriously, that's a major sign of depression. OR you've just changed, and what used to give you joy doesn't any longer in which case you need to find new sources of excitement.
This list is a list of reminders for myself and anyone reading this.
THEN, once you (I) have figured this out, try to increase the amount of time for the things you (I) enjoy, and avoid the things/people/places that are unpleasant.
No but seriously...
1. When/where/with whom do you feel that you can be yourself and do so comfortably?
2. What/where/with whom do you feel sheer joy? What do you do or who do you talk to that you just feel an innocent happiness? e.g. riding your bike, listening to Bach, playing piano, hiking...whatever (not intoxication...something good without the shitty after-effects and complicated emotions attached)
3. What makes you excited like a little kid? Really excited? What do you feel passionate about?
4. If you don't really feel joy from anything that you used to feel joy doing, it might be time for therapy or medication...not to sound flippant, but seriously, that's a major sign of depression. OR you've just changed, and what used to give you joy doesn't any longer in which case you need to find new sources of excitement.
This list is a list of reminders for myself and anyone reading this.
THEN, once you (I) have figured this out, try to increase the amount of time for the things you (I) enjoy, and avoid the things/people/places that are unpleasant.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
If only...
I wish the people who 'get it' could...I lost my train of thought.
So....pool: S said he didn't come to see me and then left with J to go to his place to 'shoot pool.' NK said that she's been invited to play on a meowier team (not her words...just my way of not saying that exact name here); it's not 100% official, but this was our heads up that it was probably going to happen, and she will no longer be with our team. Meanwhile, RW says he doesn't think he wants to be on the team anymore because of the decisions that NK has made. I told him about NK and said to rethink...he will. So, I assume everyone else is still in.
Now, in terms of the conversation I was having which seemed to have been cut short...I think not everyone is as willing to talk freely about subject matter that is of a personal and somewhat serious nature. That's where I start feeling alive. I love those conversations: I loved that conversation. I couldn't tell if other person enjoyed it too, or just got depressed by it or what. If the people who do NOT suck could ...hard to keep this train of thought. My mom often says of me that when something is real, I tend to forget. So....the way I feel is that at least 90% of people are not enjoyable in a REAL way for me to be around. Sure, they distract me; they're company; we might have a decent conversation, but it's not fulfilling or fun in a real way. And those are the upper tier of most people! The best people are the two percent or whatever who I really enjoy and relate to. I don't know how to describe these people, but they are SO rare. They're the ones who...at one point...I talk to them, and they show a part of themselves like, holy shit, they're actually cool. They feel similar ways as me, or other cool ways; they think for themselves; they're intelligent; they're witty; they're comfortable for me to be around...I don't know what else right now. The person I was talking to seems like he could definitely fit into this category. These are the ones that I can name and count over my entire lifetime. Most people are not enjoyable at all, and you're just trying to make it bearable. I don't like this; I try hard to not bother. If I don't enjoy someone, I try to avoid them. This would explain me sitting alone, reading alone, and giving short answers usually, and not starting conversations. Sometimes I need to step out of that box and be more social. But honestly, I do hate the small talk bullshit; it feels like an interview, and after interviews, I always have to scrub myself clean and put on my comfy clothes. I think that's because the less you're like yourself, the harder it is; the more energy it takes...that's what I've heard, and it makes sense.
SO....The person I was talking about this stuff with tonight...he is one of the few people who are different for me. It makes sense that he told me not to look for happiness in one place. There are so few people who make me happy, and he is one of them. Right now, the number one one of them. My two best friends make me happy too, but it's like the different phases of love; with them, it's comfortable and not as exciting or interesting...but it's stable and reassuring and nice. I don't know if I fulfill this need for him that he fulfills for me. He said he doesn't remember me disappointing him; well, that's a really good start, but still, a far cry from what I'm talking about...but I think I could fulfill that, or have the potential to...unless I'm all wrong. If I'm not wrong, then he still has to allow it. That can take a really long time, and I understand. I try hard to not bog him down with my eagerness. If I don't fulfill that for him, I just don't, and there's no changing it. I am not sure how much I understand him; I'd like to learn more. I think I get it to a pretty good degree, but there's a lot more to it. I know he is like me in hating people but not really. He seems to have a beautiful love and faith in people...that gets stomped down to hell by people fairly consistently. This makes him bitter and cynical and sad. Whereas I'm moody, overly sensitive, and awkward, he drinks. The two are the same; just different ways of handling it. I have never been able to use intoxication to wash away the sadness, hurt, disappointment, boredom, etc. He can to an extent, I think. I don't know what would happen if he dealt with stuff more like I do. Does it make sense--does he understand--did I express it clearly? Sometimes I need people to make sense of what I'm saying because I can't. When people know me well, they seem to be able to do this. Does he enjoy those conversations with me like I do with him? What are THOSE conversations? I guess there are levels of real just like there are levels of comfort and disappointment too. When we have a conversation with back and forth where I learn things about how he views things...that's 'real.' That just made me teary-eyed. Why? I got a lump in my throat the second I wrote that, seriously. I guess because it's really emotional. I can't express... Is it that real conversations hurt? They bring up feelings, and so you try to avoid them or cut them short? Or is it that you're so used to not having these types of conversations that it feels foreign? Do you not want to have conversations like these until you know that person is to be trusted? That would make sense. Conversations like that mean the world to me. Nothing else matters, and that's okay. It's when I don't have people like this around that I get really depressed. I need the inspiration. These conversations make me want to leave the public area with that person, go somewhere solitary, and talk with no deadline, or no limits. Upon a little more thought, maybe it's not conversations that make me feel like this, but a feeling of connection. This connected feeling, or whatever you call it, is not anything that I can really pinpoint or should even try to. It's just something I feel with the occasional person that makes conversations fun.
In college, we'd go for coffee to do this, and be there until the wee hours. In high school, we'd go for coffee too, or talk on the phone, or just hang in our bedrooms and chat (that sounds weird.) I think the first time I knew someone like this was Becky my junior year of high school. We talked about stuff like remembering stuff that others don't remember, and then we feel stupid. stuff like that. Then, in college...Jason. The first time we hung out, we spent all night talking. He's the one that I ended up losing my virginity to; and I was his first too. Then...Dan at U of I. He was similar to J now...it took a long time for him to realize I had anything to offer. I was always just curious about him. Then over time, we somehow got to know each other SLOWLY, and he was endearingly awkward. It was really hard for him to open up, and he was really shy (in hindsight...reticent??) He'd show up unexpectedly (one of my favorite things)...one time he sat on a chair facing the wall so that I only saw his back and talked to me like that...but we felt a lot of the same ways. We'd sometimes sit in the darkness and just listen to a cd in silence; beautiful. um...Bret...he was sort of one of those people, but without the passion. That was just a really close friendship where we could talk about anything, and that was great, but no spark. Lewis was a smidge like that, but we never got to know each other very well; we just had a lot of cool conversations. S was like that for a while too, and then it turned into really comfortable, talk about anything relationship like I have with Jenny. And now this person. I don't know how we'll end up.
Anyway, ,regarding being alone, dying alone, all that stuff...my head knows that everyone goes through it, bla bla ba, but it's harder to deal with. I don't feel like getting into that right now, but I still hold out hope that I will find someone I'm truly happy with to live my life with...that's what I want. A lot. That's where I'm an idealist; I believe it can happen...not like anything would be perfect or stay in that exhilarating stage, but someone who starts out like that and then it turns into a love that isn't boring, but where the people always pique each other's interest. sigh.
So....pool: S said he didn't come to see me and then left with J to go to his place to 'shoot pool.' NK said that she's been invited to play on a meowier team (not her words...just my way of not saying that exact name here); it's not 100% official, but this was our heads up that it was probably going to happen, and she will no longer be with our team. Meanwhile, RW says he doesn't think he wants to be on the team anymore because of the decisions that NK has made. I told him about NK and said to rethink...he will. So, I assume everyone else is still in.
Now, in terms of the conversation I was having which seemed to have been cut short...I think not everyone is as willing to talk freely about subject matter that is of a personal and somewhat serious nature. That's where I start feeling alive. I love those conversations: I loved that conversation. I couldn't tell if other person enjoyed it too, or just got depressed by it or what. If the people who do NOT suck could ...hard to keep this train of thought. My mom often says of me that when something is real, I tend to forget. So....the way I feel is that at least 90% of people are not enjoyable in a REAL way for me to be around. Sure, they distract me; they're company; we might have a decent conversation, but it's not fulfilling or fun in a real way. And those are the upper tier of most people! The best people are the two percent or whatever who I really enjoy and relate to. I don't know how to describe these people, but they are SO rare. They're the ones who...at one point...I talk to them, and they show a part of themselves like, holy shit, they're actually cool. They feel similar ways as me, or other cool ways; they think for themselves; they're intelligent; they're witty; they're comfortable for me to be around...I don't know what else right now. The person I was talking to seems like he could definitely fit into this category. These are the ones that I can name and count over my entire lifetime. Most people are not enjoyable at all, and you're just trying to make it bearable. I don't like this; I try hard to not bother. If I don't enjoy someone, I try to avoid them. This would explain me sitting alone, reading alone, and giving short answers usually, and not starting conversations. Sometimes I need to step out of that box and be more social. But honestly, I do hate the small talk bullshit; it feels like an interview, and after interviews, I always have to scrub myself clean and put on my comfy clothes. I think that's because the less you're like yourself, the harder it is; the more energy it takes...that's what I've heard, and it makes sense.
SO....The person I was talking about this stuff with tonight...he is one of the few people who are different for me. It makes sense that he told me not to look for happiness in one place. There are so few people who make me happy, and he is one of them. Right now, the number one one of them. My two best friends make me happy too, but it's like the different phases of love; with them, it's comfortable and not as exciting or interesting...but it's stable and reassuring and nice. I don't know if I fulfill this need for him that he fulfills for me. He said he doesn't remember me disappointing him; well, that's a really good start, but still, a far cry from what I'm talking about...but I think I could fulfill that, or have the potential to...unless I'm all wrong. If I'm not wrong, then he still has to allow it. That can take a really long time, and I understand. I try hard to not bog him down with my eagerness. If I don't fulfill that for him, I just don't, and there's no changing it. I am not sure how much I understand him; I'd like to learn more. I think I get it to a pretty good degree, but there's a lot more to it. I know he is like me in hating people but not really. He seems to have a beautiful love and faith in people...that gets stomped down to hell by people fairly consistently. This makes him bitter and cynical and sad. Whereas I'm moody, overly sensitive, and awkward, he drinks. The two are the same; just different ways of handling it. I have never been able to use intoxication to wash away the sadness, hurt, disappointment, boredom, etc. He can to an extent, I think. I don't know what would happen if he dealt with stuff more like I do. Does it make sense--does he understand--did I express it clearly? Sometimes I need people to make sense of what I'm saying because I can't. When people know me well, they seem to be able to do this. Does he enjoy those conversations with me like I do with him? What are THOSE conversations? I guess there are levels of real just like there are levels of comfort and disappointment too. When we have a conversation with back and forth where I learn things about how he views things...that's 'real.' That just made me teary-eyed. Why? I got a lump in my throat the second I wrote that, seriously. I guess because it's really emotional. I can't express... Is it that real conversations hurt? They bring up feelings, and so you try to avoid them or cut them short? Or is it that you're so used to not having these types of conversations that it feels foreign? Do you not want to have conversations like these until you know that person is to be trusted? That would make sense. Conversations like that mean the world to me. Nothing else matters, and that's okay. It's when I don't have people like this around that I get really depressed. I need the inspiration. These conversations make me want to leave the public area with that person, go somewhere solitary, and talk with no deadline, or no limits. Upon a little more thought, maybe it's not conversations that make me feel like this, but a feeling of connection. This connected feeling, or whatever you call it, is not anything that I can really pinpoint or should even try to. It's just something I feel with the occasional person that makes conversations fun.
In college, we'd go for coffee to do this, and be there until the wee hours. In high school, we'd go for coffee too, or talk on the phone, or just hang in our bedrooms and chat (that sounds weird.) I think the first time I knew someone like this was Becky my junior year of high school. We talked about stuff like remembering stuff that others don't remember, and then we feel stupid. stuff like that. Then, in college...Jason. The first time we hung out, we spent all night talking. He's the one that I ended up losing my virginity to; and I was his first too. Then...Dan at U of I. He was similar to J now...it took a long time for him to realize I had anything to offer. I was always just curious about him. Then over time, we somehow got to know each other SLOWLY, and he was endearingly awkward. It was really hard for him to open up, and he was really shy (in hindsight...reticent??) He'd show up unexpectedly (one of my favorite things)...one time he sat on a chair facing the wall so that I only saw his back and talked to me like that...but we felt a lot of the same ways. We'd sometimes sit in the darkness and just listen to a cd in silence; beautiful. um...Bret...he was sort of one of those people, but without the passion. That was just a really close friendship where we could talk about anything, and that was great, but no spark. Lewis was a smidge like that, but we never got to know each other very well; we just had a lot of cool conversations. S was like that for a while too, and then it turned into really comfortable, talk about anything relationship like I have with Jenny. And now this person. I don't know how we'll end up.
Anyway, ,regarding being alone, dying alone, all that stuff...my head knows that everyone goes through it, bla bla ba, but it's harder to deal with. I don't feel like getting into that right now, but I still hold out hope that I will find someone I'm truly happy with to live my life with...that's what I want. A lot. That's where I'm an idealist; I believe it can happen...not like anything would be perfect or stay in that exhilarating stage, but someone who starts out like that and then it turns into a love that isn't boring, but where the people always pique each other's interest. sigh.
WHY??
Do I REALLY need an email to alert me of the following info?...
"3:18 PM (39 minutes ago)
to me
Grrr. I really, really want ice cream. Mmmmm, ice cream…. I want it to be 4:30 too.
I have to stop at Jewel on the way home (My old lady cat is out of food)…and I have 2 dollars left (payday is tomorrow) so I CAN get her 2-4 cans of food. Otherwise, I would have to ration out the can of tuna that I have at home. ..and that sometimes upsets her tummy.
Are you going to call me later?"
"3:18 PM (39 minutes ago)
to me
Grrr. I really, really want ice cream. Mmmmm, ice cream…. I want it to be 4:30 too.
I have to stop at Jewel on the way home (My old lady cat is out of food)…and I have 2 dollars left (payday is tomorrow) so I CAN get her 2-4 cans of food. Otherwise, I would have to ration out the can of tuna that I have at home. ..and that sometimes upsets her tummy.
Are you going to call me later?"
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Here is a link to the bill
click on the third link, which is the most recent one. We can learn together.
Fair Pay Act
Fair Pay Act
Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act
I'm trying to understand: this was passed into law right when Obama became President, so is it an amendment regarding the statute of limitations that was rejected in the Senate yesterday or today? Now, my initial post below...
This Act was rejected in the Senate, and I'm still trying to figure out why in the world anyone would reject a bill saying that women should be paid equally rather than $.77 to the $1.00 that men are paid. I'm researching now trying to find the act itself; maybe they snuck a bunch of other stuff in the bill?
Does anyone know more about this? Comment then, please. It's set to automatically have responses be anonymous, and I would like to understand this. If I figure it out, I'll post about it.
Okay, so it was rejected because Republicans were worried about too many lawsuits basically. Oh, and the current acts are good enough...broad enough coverage...clearly not!
This Act was rejected in the Senate, and I'm still trying to figure out why in the world anyone would reject a bill saying that women should be paid equally rather than $.77 to the $1.00 that men are paid. I'm researching now trying to find the act itself; maybe they snuck a bunch of other stuff in the bill?
Does anyone know more about this? Comment then, please. It's set to automatically have responses be anonymous, and I would like to understand this. If I figure it out, I'll post about it.
Okay, so it was rejected because Republicans were worried about too many lawsuits basically. Oh, and the current acts are good enough...broad enough coverage...clearly not!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
ugh
What I don't understand about my mom is when she doesn't feel well, and she sometimes gets into these moods where my brother and I can do nothing right. I was supposed to go help her tomorrow morning, and she called me tonight saying that she had talked to the doctor, and she needs to rest, and she doesn't want to get into anything with me like the other day. huh? Did we have an argument? I don't think so. It's like when she doesn't feel well she finds things my brother and I are doing/have done wrong? I don't know...strange. But I already feel a little guilty for not jumping at the opportunity to have gone and helped her this morning. I encouraged her to rest instead. And I think she was upset that Sunday I waited until 4:30 to call her. I don't remember why I waited...maybe it was passive-aggressive because I didn't feel like going. So I'm at fault for that. Maybe that's why she's upset. So I should call tomorrow to see how she's doing and offer for Thursday.
Rock, Paper, wait, what...?
Well, exCUUUUUSE me for not understanding the power hierarchy of rock, paper, scissors! I never played it when I was little; I only started knowing of it a few years ago, so I can never keep straight how it goes. I (apparently falsely) assumed that everything beats scissors because ....oh wait a minute...scissors cut paper. and a rock smashes paper and scissors? is that right? Anyway, I have to think about it, and then people laugh at me, so screw them.
kewl
I love the new feature that CareerBuilder has where you can see how many other people have applied for the same position.
Ass-backwards World
It never seizes to annoy and confuse me that jobs in which you are directly affecting someone's well-being and quality of life (e.g. social work-type positions) pay about $25k-$40k, while jobs in which you are doing the grunt work that executives don't want to do (e.g. administrative-type positions) pay $35k-$60k. It doesn't make sense.
Well anyway, since I have a degree now, I'm applying to different types of positions to see what will happen. I know I've already stated this in a previous post, but I'm just keeping track of what I'm doing for my own benefit. Here is my current idea: get a job doing some sort of employment placement or career development...I'm still learning the job titles associated with this, but this is what I'm thinking...I have a terrible work history (not stable) which irritates me, but as a result, I think I would be great at using that knowledge to help place others in jobs that are right for them. PLUS, I think I'm a pretty decent judge of character and would be able to figure out what someone might be good at. I don't want to be a recruiter though...too sales-like.
Well anyway, since I have a degree now, I'm applying to different types of positions to see what will happen. I know I've already stated this in a previous post, but I'm just keeping track of what I'm doing for my own benefit. Here is my current idea: get a job doing some sort of employment placement or career development...I'm still learning the job titles associated with this, but this is what I'm thinking...I have a terrible work history (not stable) which irritates me, but as a result, I think I would be great at using that knowledge to help place others in jobs that are right for them. PLUS, I think I'm a pretty decent judge of character and would be able to figure out what someone might be good at. I don't want to be a recruiter though...too sales-like.
Monday, June 4, 2012
hi!
Boring.
As it turned out, I didn't really feel like practicing pool for very long. I was there MAYBE an hour?? But at least I got a little playing in because I don't want to lose if we have to play this week.
Uneventful. I'll probably do the same thing tomorrow only earlier.
As it turned out, I didn't really feel like practicing pool for very long. I was there MAYBE an hour?? But at least I got a little playing in because I don't want to lose if we have to play this week.
Uneventful. I'll probably do the same thing tomorrow only earlier.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Words and Stuff
I can't get the word 'mendicant' out of my head for some reason. I don't remember what it means, so:
Mendicant: adjective
1.
begging; practicing begging; living on alms.
2.
pertaining to or characteristic of a beggar.
from dictionary.com
______________________________________________
Also, pronunciation:
""This week, I've chosen the Italian surname Medici, as it is often the subject of pronunciation-related audience complaints. The Italian pronunciation is MED-itch-i, with stress on the first syllable. As with all our pronunciation advice, this is an anglicised pronunciation which does not reflect the exact vowel length in Italian. Another anglicised pronunciation, med-EE-tchi, is also often heard in English but, while it does appear as a possible variant in English pronouncing dictionaries, it does not closely reflect the native Italian pronunciation and is considered less correct. We therefore recommend the former pronunciation, with stress on the first syllable: MED-itch-i. "
(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here.)"
from bbc.co.uk
Mendicant: adjective
1.
begging; practicing begging; living on alms.
2.
pertaining to or characteristic of a beggar.
from dictionary.com
______________________________________________
Also, pronunciation:
""This week, I've chosen the Italian surname Medici, as it is often the subject of pronunciation-related audience complaints. The Italian pronunciation is MED-itch-i, with stress on the first syllable. As with all our pronunciation advice, this is an anglicised pronunciation which does not reflect the exact vowel length in Italian. Another anglicised pronunciation, med-EE-tchi, is also often heard in English but, while it does appear as a possible variant in English pronouncing dictionaries, it does not closely reflect the native Italian pronunciation and is considered less correct. We therefore recommend the former pronunciation, with stress on the first syllable: MED-itch-i. "
(For a guide to our phonetic pronunciations, click here.)"
from bbc.co.uk
Friday, June 1, 2012
Mom's Move
So the truck with her stuff finally showed up at like 3 today! I picked up my mom at 10:45. First, we had to go to Comcast; that was worse than the DMV. So many old people so lost; they were there asking for instructions on how to use their remotes. I still have to go back tomorrow before 1 to get her wi-fi modem thing. Her condo is kind of depressing people-wise....ANCIENT. My mom is not ancient. Anyway, I feel anxious right now.
Oh, but anyway, she brought her extra bed for me for when I move into my own place. That will be one less thing to worry about. I'm spending my Friday night applying to jobs, since I was driving all over the suburbs all week.
not sure how long today's fiasco will last
I need to pick mom up at 11 to go with her to her new place to give money to movers, I think. Then I may have to drive her back to bro's place and go back by myself to supervise movers. Mom's going to be a nervous wreck, which will be stressful. Maybe it won't go too terribly wrong; I'm not holding my breath though. I need to make coffee and toast and then shower.
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