If only...

I wish the people who 'get it' could...I lost my train of thought.

So....pool: S said he didn't come to see me and then left with J to go to his place to 'shoot pool.' NK said that she's been invited to play on a meowier team (not her words...just my way of not saying that exact name here); it's not 100% official, but this was our heads up that it was probably going to happen, and she will no longer be with our team. Meanwhile, RW says he doesn't think he wants to be on the team anymore because of the decisions that NK has made. I told him about NK and said to rethink...he will. So, I assume everyone else is still in.

Now, in terms of the conversation I was having which seemed to have been cut short...I think not everyone is as willing to talk freely about subject matter that is of a personal and somewhat serious nature. That's where I start feeling alive. I love those conversations: I loved that conversation. I couldn't tell if other person enjoyed it too, or just got depressed by it or what. If the people who do NOT suck could ...hard to keep this train of thought. My mom often says of me that when something is real, I tend to forget. So....the way I feel is that at least 90% of people are not enjoyable in a REAL way for me to be around. Sure, they distract me; they're company; we might have a decent conversation, but it's not fulfilling or fun in a real way. And those are the upper tier of most people! The best people are the two percent or whatever who I really enjoy and relate to. I don't know how to describe these people, but they are SO rare. They're the ones who...at one point...I talk to them, and they show a part of themselves like, holy shit, they're actually cool. They feel similar ways as me, or other cool ways; they think for themselves; they're intelligent; they're witty; they're comfortable for me to be around...I don't know what else right now. The person I was talking to seems like he could definitely fit into this category. These are the ones that I can name and count over my entire lifetime. Most people are not enjoyable at all, and you're just trying to make it bearable. I don't like this; I try hard to not bother. If I don't enjoy someone, I try to avoid them. This would explain me sitting alone, reading alone, and giving short answers usually, and not starting conversations. Sometimes I need to step out of that box and be more social. But honestly, I do hate the small talk bullshit; it feels like an interview, and after interviews, I always have to scrub myself clean and put on my comfy clothes. I think that's because the less you're like yourself, the harder it is; the more energy it takes...that's what I've heard, and it makes sense.

SO....The person I was talking about this stuff with tonight...he is one of the few people who are different for me. It makes sense that he told me not to look for happiness in one place. There are so few people who make me happy, and he is one of them. Right now, the number one one of them. My two best friends make me happy too, but it's like the different phases of love; with them, it's comfortable and not as exciting or interesting...but it's stable and reassuring and nice. I don't know if I fulfill this need for him that he fulfills for me. He said he doesn't remember me disappointing him; well, that's a really good start, but still, a far cry from what I'm talking about...but I think I could fulfill that, or have the potential to...unless I'm all wrong. If I'm not wrong, then he still has to allow it. That can take a really long time, and I understand. I try hard to not bog him down with my eagerness. If I don't fulfill that for him, I just don't, and there's no changing it. I am not sure how much I understand him; I'd like to learn more. I think I get it to a pretty good degree, but there's a lot more to it. I know he is like me in hating people but not really. He seems to have a beautiful love and faith in people...that gets stomped down to hell by people fairly consistently. This makes him bitter and cynical and sad. Whereas I'm moody, overly sensitive, and awkward, he drinks. The two are the same; just different ways of handling it. I have never been able to use intoxication to wash away the sadness, hurt, disappointment, boredom, etc. He can to an extent, I think. I don't know what would happen if he dealt with stuff more like I do. Does it make sense--does he understand--did I express it clearly? Sometimes I need people to make sense of what I'm saying because I can't. When people know me well, they seem to be able to do this. Does he enjoy those conversations with me like I do with him? What are THOSE conversations? I guess there are levels of real just like there are levels of comfort and disappointment too. When we have a conversation with back and forth where I learn things about how he views things...that's 'real.' That just made me teary-eyed. Why? I got a lump in my throat the second I wrote that, seriously. I guess because it's really emotional. I can't express... Is it that real conversations hurt? They bring up feelings, and so you try to avoid them or cut them short? Or is it that you're so used to not having these types of conversations that it feels foreign? Do you not want to have conversations like these until you know that person is to be trusted? That would make sense. Conversations like that mean the world to me. Nothing else matters, and that's okay. It's when I don't have people like this around that I get really depressed. I need the inspiration. These conversations make me want to leave the public area with that person, go somewhere solitary, and talk with no deadline, or no limits. Upon a little more thought, maybe it's not conversations that make me feel like this, but a feeling of connection. This connected feeling, or whatever you call it, is not anything that I can really pinpoint or should even try to. It's just something I feel with the occasional person that makes conversations fun.

In college, we'd go for coffee to do this, and be there until the wee hours. In high school, we'd go for coffee too, or talk on the phone, or just hang in our bedrooms and chat (that sounds weird.) I think the first time I knew someone like this was Becky my junior year of high school. We talked about stuff like remembering stuff that others don't remember, and then we feel stupid. stuff like that. Then, in college...Jason. The first time we hung out, we spent all night talking. He's the one that I ended up losing my virginity to; and I was his first too. Then...Dan at U of I. He was similar to J now...it took a long time for him to realize I had anything to offer. I was always just curious about him. Then over time, we somehow got to know each other SLOWLY, and he was endearingly awkward. It was really hard for him to open up, and he was really shy (in hindsight...reticent??) He'd show up unexpectedly (one of my favorite things)...one time he sat on a chair facing the wall so that I only saw his back and talked to me like that...but we felt a lot of the same ways. We'd sometimes sit in the darkness and just listen to a cd in silence; beautiful. um...Bret...he was sort of one of those people, but without the passion. That was just a really close friendship where we could talk about anything, and that was great, but no spark. Lewis was a smidge like that, but we never got to know each other very well; we just had a lot of cool conversations. S was like that for a while too, and then it turned into really comfortable, talk about anything relationship like I have with Jenny. And now this person. I don't know how we'll end up.

Anyway, ,regarding being alone, dying alone, all that stuff...my head knows that everyone goes through it, bla bla ba, but it's harder to deal with. I don't feel like getting into that right now, but I still hold out hope that I will find someone I'm truly happy with to live my life with...that's what I want. A lot. That's where I'm an idealist; I believe it can happen...not like anything would be perfect or stay in that exhilarating stage, but someone who starts out like that and then it turns into a love that isn't boring, but where the people always pique each other's interest. sigh.