As much as I like my sincerity and my passion, it's really hard sometimes to be so transparent. I love when people understand me, but sometimes it's just disarming when they hit the nail on the head or say the right thing. I always think I'm the perceptive one; so when someone else shows that quality, I'm taken aback...not to mention that sometimes I'm not as perceptive as I think I am.
When I have feelings come up (and drinking at all is bad for this), it's like I must express everything now! and I can't censor myself. enough for now.
I'm trying pretty hard to keep my sanity; things have been tension-provoking. I'm looking for happiness in lots of places, and also, not taking it for granted when it's there. But it's just hard when you know you need to be somewhere else; you have a wish list; so, of course, you're going to look for things to head in those directions, right? Then, when things don't go your way, it's frustrating sometimes. Anyway, I had fun tonight, but damn my jealousy; it's so stupid. I know I had no REAL reason to be jealous tonight...but I just saw a look that wasn't toward me, and it hurt a little. So what if was a look of love or like or admiration or all of the above...you feel the same way about her. And I WAS trying too hard to be a part of the conversation because I WAS feeling a little insecure at that point. Then I started getting insecure and beating up on myself...why would anyone like you...you imagined all of this...get over yourself...you're a fool...like that. It's a bad cycle.
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