oui

I had a dream that someone I know was giving a kitchen knife demonstration in French. There was more to it, but that was the gist. I was helping him shop for the butcher block to work with beforehand, and his mom was there for a while. I wasn't sure if I was being social enough (Yes, I even have insecurities in my dreams).
Oh, and then we or I (?) were behind the scenes of some show like American Idol, and the girl on the stage made fun of someone in the audience in French. I don't remember what she said. Okay bye.

funny

conversation about AdBlocker...

"They go to the bit bucket."
"the wha?"
"you've never heard of the bit bucket?"
"No. What is it?"
"You know...it's like /dev/null."

Really? I don't know what the bit bucket is, and I'm supposed to go, 'oh of course, it's like /dev/null. On the upside, I looked them up and now know two new terms.

Blood Pressure Measurements

Thursday 4-26-12 @ 3:30 p.m.
156/110

stubbornness

I feel myself being really stubborn. Like...REALLY stubborn. I know when I'm like this, and I know it's not good, and it usually only hurts me, but I know because my face gets all pouty and grumpy and I just KNOW that I am not going to do whatever it is in the particular case. But I'm trying. So, when I went for my yearly physical, my doctor decided that I should start taking blood pressure medicine because it's been high for a couple years. My doctor's apptmt was, what, like 3 weeks ago or something?...anyway, I just today took my first dosage of the medicine, with the potassium powder stuff, and I feel like I never want to take it again. Not because it affected me horribly or anything, (although I did not like the taste of water with the powder in it.) I put every medication I have been experimenting with for the last year or so, and hid it away. I don't want to take anything now. I know not to just stop what I"m taking regularly (just one for depression), but I'm going to talk to my doctor (whenever my next appointment is) and see if there is anything I can do so that she won't insist on me taking this medicine. I"m not sick. I'm not old. I want to take good care of myself, but I want to do it without medicine. I need to get her okay though. But I"m not taking the blood pressure medicine again until I talk to her. Digging in my heels...probably not the smartest, most mature way for me to behave.

I'm okay!

YAY!!!!
got through diagnostic mammogram...only took two hours. They also did ultrasound, and there were "no abnormalities" and no reason to return for a year. Thank goodness. Now one more ultrasound as follow-up to female exam, and I'll be done with my current sources of anxiety.

hurl

Humor Research Lab
Combining humor and psychology: I like it.
Their research about benign violation theory (walking that thin line between disgust where it's funny and disgust that has gone too far and isn't funny at all) reminds me of the studies that have been done that show that people who experience a scary event together tend to feel more physically attracted to that person. And those remind me of what my social psych professor said: the forbidden is HOT!

Don't I know it.

Oh, and two more quotes I have written

I wrote these probably about three weeks ago while watching The Thomashefskys. (sp?)

"Wherever you Live,
Wherever you go,
Be honorable and
upright in all you do."

"Give charitably,
love mankind,
respect all people,
Gentile and Jew."

Good Decision

It was smart of me to go out even though it was just for a little while. Now I keep smiling, and I'm just generally happy. So, it was well worth the trip. As it turns out, I don't have to go to pool tonight, so I can get some work done with my renewed energy. But I don't like when girls smell like jelly beans. Do they somehow think it's sexy to smell like an Easter basket? It's not. Yuck. Or at least that's my opinion. Tomorrow is my three-hour long follow-up appointment to have my boobs checked out. Wish me luck; I'm going to be nervous. Regarding interactions that make me so very happy: I just wish I was cool like a cucumber instead of having such nervous energy like a leaf in the wind or something. When I get excited, or when I'm nervous, I just become such a buffoon. I know it must be super noticeable to others. he's capable of making me really happy.

Day of Cynicism

Why are people only nice when THEY feel like it; when THEY need something?

I wish I would stop feeling so mopey today

I will know I have enough friends and enough social life when I no longer get excited when my phone vibrates to indicate a text message. Also, when half the messages are not spam or letting me know that my bill has been paid.
Also, I'm feeling kinda down today. I deleted my post about last night as I usually do once I gain my sense back. It's hard to be in this situation still.

Oh, Mom...

hee hee. I got a voicemail that was about 4 minutes long tonight because my mom talked for about a minute, and then there were about three minutes of hearing background noise while she figured out how to 'end call' on her new--but not THAT new--Smart phone. That gave me great pleasure.

I Like the Points to Keep Score

Kind of funny if you haven't seen it, which you probably have.

Adumdum

I mean addendum...to my previous personality posts.

I put myself in others' shoes and took the personality test again answering how I think they would answer (too much time on my hands, since I'm still not feeling well; why is the stuffy feeling in the back of my throat not going away? It's the only way in which I still feel sick). Anyway, it seems like the people I tend to like romantically would fall under either INTJ or INTP (in other words, just like me in that they MIGHT be introverted and intuitive, and sometimes would fall under judging, and other times would fall under perceiving. The only difference being that they MIGHT be Thinking (T) while I am Feeling (F). I wonder if I'm right.

Student Loan Forgiveness Act of 2012

If it passes, I'll love you forever...

I signed a petition to Rep. John Kline (MN-2), The United States House of Representatives, and 2 others which says:

"Total outstanding student loan debt in America is expected to exceed $1 TRILLION this year. Millions of hardworking, taxpaying, educated Americans are being crushed under the weight of their educational debts, while the economy continues to sputter. Support a REAL economic stimulus and jobs plan. Support the Student Loan Forgiveness Act of 2012 (H.R. 4170)."

Will you sign this petition? Click here:

Sign Here

Thanks!

grumblings

If I hear about "the 99%" and "the 1%" any more, I may go 99% crazy. ugh. Us vs. Them mentality is dangerous. Besides, just because someone has a lot of money, that does not make that person bad. Being bad is equal opportunity.

Free Classes

Free Online Classes
I don't know how good they are, but i just learned about this. I just signed up for Basic Behavioral Neurology (as if something like that could be all that basic??), so we'll see.

My Opinion:

Racism under the guise of joking, or being okay with it, or down-playing it is still wrong. It worries me that more and more and more people are making fun of their own races, and then it tells others that that behavior is okay. Research (this is not the best example)shows that racism still exists, but in a more hidden form than it used to, and so when people joke about racial stereotypes, I worry that there is a real racism there (racism is also often subconscious). I don't understand why people would make fun of themselves--unless it's a form of low self-esteem--and that makes me sad as they laugh about it. They may just think it's funny because 'stereotypes exist for a reason,' or because maybe racism doesn't seem like an issue to them anymore, or because they're too distanced from real forms of racism, but it just seems like a dangerous game to play. There are plenty of racist attitudes out there still, and although they have gotten much better, I just think this might be a big step backward in the long run. Thoughts?

owwwww, my heaaaaaaad

HOW long does my head need to keep hurting? It's hurt at least since yesterday, but a lot all day today. I keep taking aspirin every four hours too. it's very hard to see anything past a headache.

I feel like Sleepy Kitty

A very short and easy quiz

test your knowledge of the political parties. You better get 100%.

one of the songs I played at first recital 6-1-08

after about 20 years of not playing piano or taking lessons, the first recital after taking lessons was this one. Here is one of the two songs that I played. It's pretty simple, and the sound isn't great.
Minuet in G Major

so scarily stupid

Tennessee Stupid

Songs I played at a piano recital, 2009

Lots of mistakes and awkward dynamics, and the third movement is especially bad--sorry for that. It's almost unbearable for me to listen to them because I hate making mistakes. I was not as prepared as I should have been, and I didn't take the time to adjust myself at the piano. Excuses: done. Hopefully, links will work.
Nicole Recital 3-29-09
Sonatina in G--Diabelli 1st mvmt
Sonatina in G--2nd mvmt
Sonatina in G--3rd mvmt

Another change for interview

Cool! Instead of a second phone interview in the morning, instead, I am going to have a face-to-face interview on Friday. I am still awaiting details as to time.

Most Boring Day Ever

nO money to go anywhere, no energy, no motivation, phone interview got postponed until tomorrow, and no good groceries. If I had a better body, maybe I'd whore myself out just for some spending cash and something/someone to do. Alas...

Journal Entry 1999

Ooo, this one's sad; was a hard time


He needs to not be so cocky
I need to not be so needy
I need to question him less
He needs to talk more
I need to be less sensitive
He needs to be more tolerant
He needs to appreciate me and stop looking for faults

Why do I feel so lonely?
I feel so beat up
work, everything
"...were you born with some disability? I just don't think you're cut out for this job. She has to be spoon-fed everything. If I were you, I'd be looking for another job."
I'm MAD
No wonder I'm feeling down and irrational and insensitive
People are so selfish.
How DARE they constantly put me down and tell me everything that's wrong with me, and THEN say you need to chill out and don't let things get to you. get a grip?!!

Q: When am I pathetic/insecure?
A: When others are pathetic FIRST
for example: incongruous behavior. Of course I'm going to start analyzing and questioning because things should match up! Bitch!

I
Lie
Awake at Night
staring at the stars--
Hoping they will
give me answers
to life--
Enlighten me.
Instead, they slowly
fade and flicker--
making me question
their very existence.
I kick my feet
so the fuzzy,
phlegm-colored
blanket becomes
a cocoon.
No part of my
body must touch
the biting, cold, crisp
sheets of reality.
Fuzz protects me--
makes me
Happy.
Safe.


Eye
Am, INN
Write Moo-ed
Two Knight(s)
Wok
into a
barcode
other one
ducks
into quack's
office
for cover
of Freebird.
Chant of Monk(eys)
Hey, hey we're the...
Peace bye Piece
cumming
Two gather
knot maching
cents.
Aayyy!
Eeee...
I owe you
know.

4-30-99. 10:35 p.m. NKP
Naked bulb
dangling
from moldy
flaking
ceiling
chain obtrusively
hanging over
my head
Begging to be pulled
steroid pumped moths
flitting ecstatically
disoriented

Aah,
Heat
Congregate
around
beautiful
brightness
warms
must fight
for space
one step sideways
two steps back
"oh, excuse me"
yeah, right.
Swarms of us
bumping
into each other
gravitating
not sure
why.
Zap!
Damn.
_______________
Easter
Sunshine
Spring, love
all about rebirth, happiness.
Yet, I am not frolicking
not skipping hand in hand
through field of daisies.
wearing black
wake up at crack of two.
sitting in basementbedroom cave.
Piles of clothes
dirty kleenex
take-out menus
sketch pads
half-read books
Twizzlers
surrounding me....
_______________________
Why
do I
always
seek escape
Long for it.
Only possibility
of solace.
First opportunity
to live in
someone else's life,
I'm there.
Feel motivated,
invigorated,
excited...
Like dressing up
in your
Mom's clothes
when you were little.
Extravagant hats and jewelry,
shoes five sizes too big,
dresses that drag on floor...
Obviously not yours,
but so fun
to pretend.

Journal Entries 1998-1999, second book

1-28-99, 6 p.m.

I don't understand this phenomenon that happens in me. I indulge a certain part of myself: the contemplative, romantic part. The part that insists that I light five candles, have no lights on, listen to the most beautiful jazz possible, write, drink coffee, if I had cigarettes, I'd smoke one, while sipping red wine, actually I think cognac would go better with the whole mood, but aside from not particularly liking cognac, I don't have any. I feel so small, and yet so content; everything's peaceful. While at the same time, completely.....

recrudescence: breaking out again after a dormant period.

anachronism: placement of something as existing

Ask Dad about bulb for Super 8 projector.

Stuff to Do:
1. play racquetball
2. play chess
3. go to shooting range (note from 2012 me: HUH??!!!)
4. go camping
5. pool
6. bowling

Stuff I Want:
1. to help paint walls of new apartment
2. clarinet
3. philosophy books
4. to watch Henry Miller video
5. to see his artwork, writing, etc.

Stuff I Can Give/Lend (note from 2012 me: who do I keep writing about donating to?)
1. halogen lamp
2. rotary phone (again...HUH?!!!)
3. cups
4. silverware
maybe some dishes
black tv/stereo shelves
comforter, sheets, 2 chairs

journal entries 1998 (second book)

Beginnings: a move, a dream, a loss, a thought, conversation.

Characters:
1. a guy--inspired, excited about ideas, quirky, intellectual, analytical, stoic.
2. a girl. needing change, obsesses, pipe dreamer, has difficulty taking action. Bitter due to discrepancy of reality and what she wants.

My best friend of ten years just faxed me a letter at work renouncing me as his friend. This is typical of his personality, or lack thereof, desperately trying to be self-righteous and melodramatic, but instead, coming out in the tackiest of ways, born out of the womb of a beige machine, the product smeared with ink, unintelligible. I read it..all the way from 'Dear Chenoa, I'm really pissed at you' through 'I'm sorry for your Mom about her cancer, but I'm NOT sorry for you!'
I have my twenty minutes of inappropriate-in-a-workplace-setting sobbing, and then the migraine that relocated to my right shoulder seven torturous days ago gently lifts. It's like in a movie with a Meg Ryan-type of character goes ballistic and runs to her cheating husband's office and slams everything with a sledgehammer, screams for ten minutes on the walk home at a blind stranger in the street who accidentally bumps her with his cane, then eats two chocolate cakes. Now she thinks clearly, letting out a deep sigh of relief, uttering a "huh." She washes off the symbolically messy chocolate fork, forgetting the now ex-husband, and never looks back. I was done.

journal 1998

I'm just trying to get through these now, so I can throw away another book.

"Early childhood is a blur of happy feelings, but nothing concrete until about the age of four. Actually, at three I remember my mom driving me to nursery school which was in the basement of my dad's church (Missouri Senid?? Lutheran) At 4, I remember preschool at the BG park district with Mrs. Vanderbilt (?) and Mrs. Kohl. We sang Yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy, practiced patting our heads while rubbing our stomachs (this was particularly difficult). I think this was the age at which I started reading (went to kindergarten just before 5th birthday). Mom taught me how to draw Christmas tree, to memorize my address and phone number. Kindergarten--Mrs. Czepiel...no one liked her because they thought she looked and acted like a witch. I liked her though. At show and tell, I showed fossils once. (my dad's a science teacher) I loved being picked to read because it was easy and I remember using glue scissors and construction paper to make pictures. In first grade, I think this is when we were robbed by C. Philips in the car in Chicago while Dad was in Helix camera store. At school, teachers were worried that this affected me...I think because I couldn't concentrate and hear all that well (?) so I started seeing a speech therapist to see how well I was understanding and stuff, which turned out fine, but making sure that I could follow directions and stuff. second grade, Mrs. Goldberg, third grade Mrs. Wadie, or third grade went to Europe (third grade??) England, Norway, France, Spain, Switzerland, Germany. Memories-

Later...holidays, relatives, I was always pressured to talk more so the relatives would know, or at least think that I liked them. Mom would say something like, "Oh, Nicole, why don't you tell Annella about that picture of the family you drew in school today? You know, the one that you got an A one, and the teacher wrote, "great job, Nicole". The inevitable result would be, "Oh yeah, um, I drew a picture of the family in school, and I got an A." Then, crickets twirping for a couple of year-long minutes until someone asked for more potatoes. Then there were the gifts...ahh, the gifts! I was trying my hardest to be cool. I think I felt this was being like my brother (5 years older) and his friends. I did not want to have to mess with dresses, tights, patent leather shoes, curled hair, BLAGH! YUCK. If boys didn't, why in the world should I? So every time I got gifts, they were these intricately thought-out get-ups. One year I got a plaid bouse which looked harmless enough until I opened it out and noticed the ruffles that went up alongside the buttons ending with a Marie Antoinette-style stand-up frilly collar. Then a beige corduroy vest and matching corduroy skirt. It was ridiculous to me at the time. (I should mention that these were very expensive, nice clothes that probably would have looked great; they just 'weren't me.') "Oh go try it on, Nicole. Oh, it's beautiful!" I'd hesitantly carry the costume up the stairs wondering about escape routes. I'd be mortified trying it on in front of the mirror. "this must be a joke.' It was cute...for someone else.

great line

"Congratulations on being a big FUCKING deal!"--Calamity Jane

journal 1998

CLICK (revision)

Starts simply
friendly conversation
filling a void
in space
with words.
Oh, we both like ice cream,
and that's not all.
It escalates--
a shared martini.
Passing off stares
as intent listening.
Words--
excuse--
to steal another moment
of emotional ecstasy.

Journal...1998

I was born on November 8. It was around 5 a.m. and I weighed five pounds. I had to stay in the hospital for awhile though because I was not eating, I lost weight, and they thought I could be deaf and had some muscle slowness issues (something like that). Dad accepted this, Mom fought it, and got more opinions; thankfully, I was okay.
My earliest memories are sitting on dad's shoulders, as he walked around the house, going to nursery school at Dad's church basement with Mom. I remember when I was four and had very long hair, sitting on Mom and Dad's HUGE king-size bed with the powder blue satin comforter, and having Mom toil with brushing all the knots out of my hair, and putting it into a big bun on the top of my head secured with an artillery of bobby pins, and made pretty with a colored bow.
I remember sitting in the family room on the flor while Mom taught me how to draw a Christmas tree realistically. I remember watching Bozo Circus with Eric in the morning, and when they yelled, "WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN?" yelling "COOKIE" as everyone else yelled "BOZO!" I remember Mom teaching me our address and phone number on the stairs (Dad too)...."
________________________________
next page:
"Nature is not lavish of her
beauties; they are widely
scattered, and occasionally
displayed, to be selected with
care, and gathered with difficulty.
George Gordon
Lord Byron 1788-1824 (letter to John Murray)

Oh, did you ne'er hear of the
Blarney,
That's found near the banks
of Killarney?
Believe it fromme,
No girl's heart is free,
once she hears the sweet sounds
of the Blarney.

When Erin first rose from the dark swelling flood
God bless'd the Green Island,
and saw it was good:
The em'rald of Europe,
it sparkled and shone--
In the ring of the world the most
precious stone. ....William Drennan

Irish poets, learn your trade,
Sing whatever is well made.".....William Butler Yeats

Journal Entries 1998

I can't make perfect sense of the way I wrote these notes, but here we go:

"Family Tree: what I remember
(where people lived, stories, etc)
Ella McMahon
first husband died
Kilbeggan, Ireland
Casey, Iowa
Dot
Grandma Alice Walsh
Peg, Doug, Julie, Lynn Kara
Mom (?) Fort Dodge?? ?Marshalltown ??
Dad
me, (Lutheran General, Park Ridge) Eric (Holy Family, Arl Hts)
Grandpa: parents, Ireland, Pocahontas, Iowa Cresco, IA
Katherine first wife
Grandma Alice Parker, Berenice, Al and Eleanor,
Grandpa Harold??
Dad, Dick and Marie: Karen and Craig; John and Sandy: Amy.
Nancy and Jerry: Jan, Joy, Julie
Grandma Lowensbury: Cherokee, Cheyenne, English

Journal Entry 1998

I see that I'm going to have to transfer these to a different blog specific for journal entries. I wrote a lot of weird, repetitive stuff in that year or so. This "party" I plan sounds like the lamest thing ever! sad...

"Writing: November 21, 1998

Here I am; I haven't written for quite a while. It's much more difficult to start writing after ceasing to do so. It's also hard to write when you're cold--which I am. All of my muscles are clenched up as though I'm trying to fit through a tiny space.

List:
VCR 5 CD changer
black leather jacket (3/4 length: roomy)
heated back massager
black shoes
thick, opaque tights (brown, black, gray)
If I were to have a soiree:
invite:
Eric and Jill
Dat and Pat
Amy
Irene
Robbin and Jake
Jen and Bill?
Rachel?
Rebecca and Scott?
Amy

Serve:
buffet style:
vegetables on endive leaves
mini hotdogs with mustard saucew
pesto-stuffed mushrooms
(see Cosmo suggestions)
shrimp cocktail
blue corn chips with sauce in open peppers
desserts:
cookies
brownies
sorbet
cheesecake
to drink:
Wasseil
cranberry juice and 7-UP
wine
beer
Music:
Tori Amos
Jewel
Counting Crows
Peter Himmelman
Sinatra
Suzanne Vega
Bare Naked Ladies
Fiona Apple
Garbage
To Do:
Games: Trivial Pursuit, Scattergories, Songburst, Monopoly, Scrabble, Chess
Movies:

zOMG I found another journal from 1998

"Writing: October 15, 1998

How can you be so artistic, yet so hateful. I can see artistic and negative, moreso, although it still seems incongruous. Art is beauty, so how can someone be capable of producing beauty, and yet be negative, hateful in everyday life? It must stem from extremely idealistic beliefs that are impossible. This failure to live up to such expectations creates cynicism, which creates hate? Who was it, John Wesley Harding? John Hyatt? who said, "Disappointment Breeds Contempt."
I think what frustrates ME so much is that so few people in the whole scheme of things seem artistically inclined; it's such a gift that they should surpass the average person and be as artistic as possible. So many people see things as ugly, and just don't have a capacity to create beauty. Society has enough ugliness, so people who create beauty should create as much as possible to balance things out more. People are too scared of vulnerability; hence, the callousness. Oh, if they're tough, and they hurt first, they won't get hurt. Well, if it was that simple, nobody would ever get hurt. Hurt is part of what makes life a beautiful experience. It's like if you never have to go without things you want, you can't appreciate things you get. When you've always wanted something that was not easily attainable, and you work and work and work to get the means to the end, THEN when you finally reap the rewards of your effort, and get the thing you wanted, you truly appreciate it and see its beauty. Bittersweet...just sweet is sickening. It's the bitter which you don't like at the time that makes the sweet so wonderful. Not only is all sweet not appreciated, but it's not as sweet. It's almost like someone going on Lithium to balance their moods. Sure, they don't have the awful lows, but they don't get the great highs either. When couples are always nice to each other, and never argue, people do not become envious or try to model their behavior, they wonder what's wrong with them. I wish defense mechanisms would not be so rampant. They make things ugly.

*********
Nicole

It's a Shame that Mike Wallace Passed Away Today

There are only one or two (if that) original people from 60 Minutes around anymore. Thank goodness for Morly Safer, and Dan Rather, and Barbara Walters. Am I remembering correctly that they were also on it? I've been watching 60 Minutes my whole life, so I see those anchors as legacies, and it's really sad to see them go, and I worry about who will be the current and future pioneers.
NY Times story about Mike Wallace

Journal Entries 1999

July 21, 1999 at 7 pm
I have not written in about a gazillion years.
thunderstorm.
This sucks; I have been on a 4-month drought where writing is concerned. I'm so uninspired; I have nothing to write. I don't know why I sold back The The "Hanky Panky", it's kinda cool. I'm out of a job, and so sick of having to say that. The last three years of my life have been a broken record.

________________________________________________
(unsure of date)
I wrote last Thursday?? I's already Tuesday--the first time since then that I've been alone, and it's about fucking time! I'm so sick of being with people, or even moreso, sick of not being alone? It's kind of hard to keep up friendships. I only want to see them once every few weeks, not every week, or every few days!! But I AM grateful for the friends that I do have. I just find myself much easier to deal with than any of my friends (now anyway, NOT always!!!) Wednesday night I hung out with Amy. She's very wearing. But I did beat her at Scrabble AND Boggle! Yeahh!


My dream/ideal is someone with whom we can be alone together. (NOT to replace strict alone time though;t hat's important).

______________________________
piano fund
psychiatrist
Mom's surgery
job
Maria's wedding
alone
made room mine
bought own T.V.
made olive oil
brave about reading book (breast cancer...Mom)
drains
bandages

Disney
opera
$34.00
scoffing
"I never made love by lantern shine;
I never saw rainbows in my wine.
but now that your lips are burning mine,
I'm beginning to see the light."
blackberry cobbler
Abridged Dictionary of Abstract Ideas

Things that make me appreciate the world a little more:
pigeon walking across the street at a crosswalk.

writing group: send 1-2 page writing sample--prose, and brief statement of personal interest and expectations to peteena.

I do better when I know what's expected of me.

Journal Entries

February 1st, 1999

I will absolutely NOT start with a greeting. Aahh--a big weight just lifted?? I also will NOT describe my surroundings, what I'm doing, or the mood I'm in. Well, I have to go now--I have not written for quite some time. So why should someone NOT mention psychology to a philosopher? It sounds like a bad riddle or joke....because the philosopher might subjectively go existential on your neurotic ass?? It seems to me that members of each respective career should be proponents of the other--they go hand in hand. One supposedly studies the source and nature of our knowledge (logically and critically) while the other studies our minds, emotions, and behaviors.
How can you study knowledge without about the mind? HMM? To be logical, you have to be non-emotional. Well, how can you be non-emotional if you do not first know what emotions are?
Never mind, that argument just died. Actually, maybe philosophers are strongly against psychology because philosophy is very, very objective, critical, unemotional. It studies things logically, and psychology is basically the opposite of all of that. It studies things emotionally, subjectively, individually. Or at least that's probably how a philosopher would see it. But psychology--if you know anything about the actual science, not just all the bullshit everyone knows, that is taught in school, stereotyped, etc, it is logical, consistent, and critical. It's not just someone sitting in a chair saying, "tell me about your mother", or "...and how does that make you feel?" It's a critical (exact and careful judgment and evaluation) done either through written or visual tests, and through a line of questioning about your thoughts, feelings, experiences. The thing that makes psych. seem unscientific, I believe, is the fact that to a lay person, it looks as though a psychologist is just listening, and pulling some bullshit out of their asses about how to solve things and then charging a lot of money for doing what anyone could do. What people don't realize is that there is a lot going on that the outsider doesn't see. The science is going on in the head of the psychologist. They are watching and listening to assess what category of problems you fit into, whether it is specific (anti-social behavior), or more general (difficulty coping with life's problems). And there is an objective, tangible list of these categories in the DSM-V or whatever volume it's up to. That lists problems, symptoms, prognoses, etc, and you learn in all of those advanced classes, internships, practicums, how to treat each of those disorders. And it's not something you SEE...it's a process of asking the right questions, listening to the right buzzwords, and most importantly, getting the patient to address the issues he needs to without him realizing it. So it IS rather manipulative, but not in a negative way. It HAS to be somewhat manipulative to work; if you told each person, "well, sir, it seems to me as though you are a perfect case of anti-social personality disorder, so the way I'm going to treat you is to ask you a series of confrontational questions that make you get angry, and lash out at me, then I'll ask you what I did that made you angry, then ask you to liken that to actual events in your life and see the pattern of behavior...once you notice this pattern, you'll get sad and cry a lot...etc, etc. If psychs. did that, the patient would just adjust their behaviors so as to NOT fit the mold because they are defensive. It would not work.
I can lend dishes, silverware, cups, rug, shower curtain, soapdish, phone, answering machine (??) 2 chairs, color tv with remote, comforter, sheets, tv shelves
Go to storage closet.
t-shirts.
Prosaic: literal, matter-of-fact, ordinary, lacking imagination.
If one ever comes to know "the good," one becomes good.
Ignorance is the only sin.
Plato
Callicles: sophist. Traditional morality is just a clever way for the weak masses to shackle the individual.
Power=survival=pleasure
Protagoras: the way to achieve success is through a careful and prudent acceptance of traditional customs, not because they were true, but because an understanding and manipulation of them is expedient. (Sophist)
Reality=imagination
PEZ! PEZ! PEZ! PEZ PEZ PEZ
YOU!Pre-Socratic) Heraclitus--nostalgia and loss

Things I want:
computer
Palm Pilot
bed (just need delivered)
black cotton tights
black, short straight skirt
brown, short straight skirt
black shoes
brown shoes
brown cotton tights
jeans
shorts
haircut
art class
rods and metal hooks for closet

Journal Entries, December 1998

1998 Accomplishments, or changes, etc.

January--working at Barnes and Noble, depressed, sleeping until 2-4 most days. Had just gotten back from visiting Jeff in NJ. Got fired from Barnes and Noble for basically testing boundaries, not obeying rules, and tardiness.
February: went to Mom's. First gyn. exam. Started Zoloft.
Early March: got job, starting seeing psych.
1. did something about depression
2. got first full time office job since FedEx
3. Make more money than ever before
4. Paid off phone--got service in my name again
5. renewed friendship with Reb
6. Made friends (Robbin, Maria, Reb, Susan)
7. Stood up to Amy
8. Ended friendship with Bret
9. stopped obsessing about Peter
10. bought furniture to organize room
11. got four shares of stock
12. met with a financial planner
13. saved $300 toward a piano

Journal Entries 1998

Sometimes I fully expect to come home to an apartment filled with incense, tribal music oozing from every corner, ambient lighting coming exclusively from candles, and a roommate basking in the middle of the frightening scene in a yoga stance chanting. She is one of those people who is constantly running from everything. Every item she owns is organic, from soap to toothpaste to her vegan cuisine. 90% of her books come from the self-help section; the other 10% is broken into religion, and man-bashing. And not surprisingly, she's probably the least lucky person I've ever met. She is surrounded by tragedy. Her husband died jumping rope! Not from a heart attack, but because he was jumping rope backwards, tripped on the rope, and fell backwards into a wall instantly breaking his neck.

And then of course, we cannot forget about my lot of friends. There's Anna who believes in the occult, and that she is psychic, and when anyone's having a problem gives them a spell to do. But I don't want to be insulting by poking fun. I love them dearly. I have nothing to write, but I must write without stopping because that is an exercise they say to do in order to come up with things to write, and "they" swear you'll end up writing something interesting. Well, I am here to contest that vehemently. Um....the table is gray, the floor is wood. I cannot even HELP but DESPISE those guys. Every other time I'm here, they are here too talking about chicks and motorcycles. They are so full of themselves and immature and shallow. They're walking pimples! And what I REALLY don't understand is the females who hang around them. Masochists, I suppose. Am I supposed to still be writing? Maybe I shouldn't try to force it. Maybe I should just try to write later. What ever happened to the illusion that I was a good writer? I must be trying too hard, plus I have a headache and not much energy. What's this?? They're talking about clothes! (shiver) Well, I'll read now.

How do you find out about being in a festival? How far in advance?
Sensitivity
jealousy
loneliness
weight
Roommate noise better. punctuality at work.
Does Zoloft bring up feelings that it feels like have been hidden??
The Idiot
Portrait of a Lady
third Anais Nin Diary
Henry Miller
second Proust novel
________________
I'm TOO sensitive to say the LEAST! Just came from street fair and started crying because I bargained too low for a dress, and the girl said, "it costs that much just for the white fabric." She said it relatively nice--maybe a little insulted at the most, and I apologized and said I didn't have enough money (true), but she was already helping someone else and didn't hear. I just felt corrected and stupid. I think partially because she seemed cool--someone I'd like to be friends with, which triggered my feelings of loneliness. Also, my insecurity and self-consciousness about weight. At one of the first booths, the woman was talking to someone ELSE about sizes and to run the size past her first. I knew I didn't want to buy there because she seemed critical and everyone there was skinny. I used to be skinny, and now I'm jealous of skinny people. Everyone seems prettier, thinner, happier, and more confident and more social than me lately. This makes me really sad!! What should I do about these AWFUL feelings? Will the Zoloft help? I truly hope so!

Hi!

I don't have anything to say, but if anyone is reading this, I would like to say hi to you.

anonymous

Link

Journal Entries 1998

what the hell? can we say, 'issues'?! this post was all over the place. I must have just started therapy, depression medication, and I was pretty much at the very end of my friendship with Bret. Lots of resentment on both sides. and Jenny was kind of in the middle. without further ado...mid-20s drama:

5-12-98

I haven't written for awhile, so...Let's see, first of all some stuff I want to discuss with...
Monday--cried at work--for week before had progressively gotten more and more sensitive and frustrated--Bob--lack of communication. Consistent problem with jobs. Keep "making sure" that I'm doing things right, so I think others think I'm not catching on. Felt excluded...two instances that Bob said/implied I wasn't catching on.
Apologized for yelling, said I'm really doing very well, and not to worry.
(2) Not keeping in touch with family as much as maybe I should
(3) What Jenny said -- "Why do you hang out with people you don't like?" confused as to what to do?
(4) have had nervous habits
Guilt
Late for work
What to do about Bret
Problem with Dad from when I lived there
Weight Gain.

K--now for non-goal-oriented writing. I've been thinking about question of what I do for my spiritual self.
First, I was frustrated because I couldn't even define spirituality. I finally decided that my personal definition is -- the immaterial, transcendental self.
Religious beliefs are a part of it, and therefore, prayer (which I have done at times).
Jenny's four questions: Do you believe in a higher power? Do you believe in fate? Do you believe there's something bigger than you, controlling your destiny? and what do you believe happens after death/ (heaven/hell? reincarnation? conscious? nothingness?) But I also consider it, like Mom said, to be your inner self--which I express by music, art, writing, philosophizing, bubble baths, candles, walking, enjoying nature, etc. Aren't those things spiritual? So, let's see if anything else comes to mind...I really want to write a book, but I don't know what to write about, or how to go about doing it. And every time I write, that's all I write; just my perceptions? what should I write? My perceptions under a fake name. Ideas. dialogue?
"What you will be witnessing for the next several pages is the story of a bored, recovering depressive. Within the last three months, I have gone from not taking any medication to taking 150% more than my initial dosage. So I'm starting to feel significantly better, but the problem is that 95% of my friends are depressed, and not...."

Upper margin, wrote: "Get Over It!"

First of all..
1.) You ask me to behave in a certain way, (if someone he knows attacks me, I say 'why didn't you defend me?' and yesterday I did everything I told him not to do, e.g. just stand there and let Jenny pick on him.
Every time we make plans, if he changes any little thing, I get very upset (say I try so hard and he's not trying at all)
Yesterday...Jen and I decided it was fine to change plan...hypocritical.
I let Jen tell Bret how he is...how he's immature, like a baby, and inflexible. If I wasn't being hypocritical, I would say he's right, we had plans and you and I should do this another time. Instead, I stood there and said, 'yeah, the more the merrier.' (e.g. Hillary, etc would NEVER say I'm showing up and saying 'we'll all hang out.'

What Robbin thinks I should say to Bret:
"Immaturity is very unbecoming.
You're 27.
You're 27.
Stop Whining.
If you can't act your age, I don't want to be around you.
So deal with it,
and get back to me.
.....Love, Robbin"
"I want to enjoy your company.
If you cannot listen to me, that says an awful lot"
"You don't want people around you who don't make you feel good."
So GO AWAY
"Call me When You Grow Up"

I say for Bret to act one way and yet I act any way I want to. e.g. saying he never calls me.
I try, he doesn't.
No matter how much he calls, I just decide that I'm upset and don't pick up the phone.
2. sick of one-way street with me.
I say I'm so much better of a friend.
Everything I say to him
how upset I am, etc
that's how I'm behaving better
I put in so much more of an effort, Bret, I'm worried about this friendship"
and my other friends always do this or that. (they always hang out together, never have a plan)
Bret hears that he's not a good friend.

http://dynamo.dictionary.com

Well, THIS is a fun site! I have a word score of 50,262. How about you?

Smoke, steam, thunder, and lightning!

100%
Your quiz result

Words added to your score
You're one of the dynamic few to master the Word Challenge—and you've earned the right to flaunt it! Congratulations!

Journal Entries...1998 now!

February 16-17th, 1998
I think...(!) dating/marriage is tricky, and here's why: there are two types of people: strong, and weak. Many people, when they date, see it as "becoming one" with the other person. Their personalities sort of conjeal (sp?) or melt into one person who is a combination of their two personalities. Well, first of all, I think this is wrong. People should be their own people. Second of all, if they want to become one person, they better both be pretty interesting people. Cuz you figure if the one new person forms sort of as a 1/2 from each of the two personalities. So if both people are very strong, interesting characters, it makes for a slightly less interesting whole, but still okay. But say, only one of the two, or if NEITHER person is interesting, then, when they are in a relationship and become 1/2 of this newly formed whole, this new whole is twice as BORING as the two boring individuals. It's a travesty. That's why many interesting people who are friends with someone somewhat less interesting can no longer stand that less interesting person when he/she is in a relationship because he/she becomes more boring and then there's this new boring person too. I think the reason boring people become one with significant others is because people are generally boring because they are insecure which causes a weak personality which causes existing to make other people happy which prevents standing up for what you believe in. Well to me, what makes people interesting is standing up for their own strong beliefs. So two weak personalities get together, and what is the product? Two people constantly hiding their personal beliefs and being NEUTRAL so as to please the significant other. So these couples generally act, seem, and feel very happy (too happy) because they're existing to please. But they're not REALLY happy because they're not being REAL. So eventually, they either break up because they start showing their real personalities and suddenly problems arise, or they start couples therapy to strengthen their individual personalities and work out all the resentment that comes from hiding their real selves!

Why R people made so that if one traumatic thing happens in their lives, it screws them up for the rest of their lives? I think it's because people are VERY fragile in the whole scheme of things .. i.e. they're vulnerable. Ok, so WHY are they vulnerable? Wouldn't it be simpler and make people happier if they more closely resembled stones...if they were strong enough so as to not get hurt? Well actually, NO, that is not the best answer. It might be simpler before delving into the issue, but it would NOT make people happier. My belief is that vulnerability is a necessity. Without vulnerability, happiness cannot be achieved. So although vulnerability causes a lot of pain, it's what allows us to be happy. If we were tough, so that we couldn't feel pain, we wouldn't know when to be happy...there would be no difference between pain and happiness. Some people may think they could forego the happiness, for the sake of never feeling pain. But most people would rather have the ability to feel both than to feel nothing because the strength of happiness outweighs the strength of pain. Having felt pain makes happiness that much better; it's the spice of life--that bitter sweetnes. I think about what drugs like Lithium and Prozac do. They do exactly that, they numb the senses so you feel less pain, and less happiness. And that's probably their biggest problem. I mean, they're wonderful for people who generally cannot feel happiness, and their pain is constant and life-threatening. But it would not be the solution for anyone feeling unhappy. I think this is part of the whole story of Adam and Eve. They weren't supposed to eat the apple because the apple symbolized sweetness and happiness. So if they ate the apple, they would become familiar with joy, but as a result become vulnerable to pain because they would now know the difference. God did not want them to eat the apple because He wanted to spare them the agony of also then knowing pain for ever more. So it was a sin against humanity because it made pain a fact of life rather than sticking to neutrality. It's the question of..." (at this point of the journal, I tore 3/4 of the sheet out of the book so it's cut off...duh. the parts that are still intact are:
knowledge and be less...
know more and therefore...
whether to know...
but only out...
want to know...
and a thirst for...
existence beca....
the stronger...
will be ho...
happiness...
Adam and Eve...
bl..."

next page:
I made a list of things I did, wrote "piano", and "upright", and "PIANO MOVERS 847-673-5500", and "These guys are AWFUL!"

Journal Entries from 1997...still

I don't know the date.

"A little tap on the window-pane, as though something had struck it, followed by a plentiful light falling sound, as of grains of sand being sprinkled from a window overhead, gradually spreading, intensifying, acquiring a regular rhythm, becoming fluid, sonorous, musical, immeasurable, universal: it was the rain." -- Marcel Proust
(from Swann's Way)

Keats.

"For a man cannot change, that is to say become another person, while continuing to obey the dictates of the self which he has ceased to be." -- Proust (!)

Journal Entries from 1997 continued

I'm skipping a couple pages from this entry, but here's the part after talking about each of the friends that I felt inspired me and why:
__________________________________
"So each of these people bring out something different in me. So when people like Bret say that I change my personality, or fit into the mold of somebody else's personality, they're right to some extent. But they don't realize that those are all parts of my personality that retract or pop out depending on whether or not those parts are inspired by the current company. Part of my sadness and frustration comes from the fact that parts of my personality that are so dear to me are far too often squelched into remission. I want to surround myself with people and experiences. I want people around me who want as much as I do; I want to e around people who are romantics, idealists, intellectuals, wit, candor, desire--yes! People who will pick up with me and FIND a way to do WHATEVER! Travel to San Francisco, paint a picture, walk through the forest, swim through the ocean, climb up the mountain, ride a bike across the state, walk aimlessly all through the night. ...
I need somewhere to vent my excitation, so much energy gets wasted and grows helplessly into frustration and contempt. Who do people waste so much time worrying instead of enjoying? Is it out of fear? threat? neurosis? I must know. And nobody admits to there being a problem with their worrying; everyone you confront about worrying makes it end up seeming like something you're doing wrong. You mean you're NOT worrying?!How can you NOT worry about...and they proceed to list infinite things they find wrong with your life, and you don't know whether to be mad at them, or at yourself. Everybody has his finely tuned defenses. If only they spent that energy just enjoying and appreciating. You know it's funny: I'm either in that mood, or I'm NOT! Like now, in a different setting (another cafe, but not at all the same, and I don't like the atmosphere) I can't even stand reading what I wrote. Now I just feel restless, escapist, want to be in someone else's life. Plus, it's hard to be like two or three doors down from the object of my desires, 15 1/2 years my elder, but who's counting? But the sobering reality of it all is that I have NADA to say to him. I don't know what the roadblock to the road to eternal bliss is, (gag!) but it's there. What I mean is that I feel all these possibilities where he is concerned. Like, I could see myself just laying with him, but you can't just START there, you have to go through some degree of idle chit-chat to get closer, then achieve that closeness I want to just START at. And as much as I can see being really close to him, I can't see just small-talking with him. Well, you have to get through one to get to the next. (like crawling to walking to running). I think I'll go drink now. I'm irritated with Jeff for not calling me back, Dave for not keeping in touch with me, and Bret for not asking me to get together with him. We'll see!

Here I try, yet AGAIN to write some sort of poem:
Is fog a friend or foe?
It only presents itself
upon some occasion. Yet every time
it shows up, you believe it's
been there all along. It's charming,
you are enraptured. It envelops
you in comfort
like a fuzzy blanket.
Full of warmth and mystery;
Almost stifling, yet immense.

Ode to Fog :)
Rarely around
yet when it is, so familial
as if never gone.
A comforting blanket of nostalgia
capable of suffocation,
yet wrapping me in bliss,
charmingly convincing that it's smothering immensity would be a gift.
Begging for its ubiquitous clutches.
Incessant reminders
of my small place in the universe.
O! My beautiful beast
Manipulating my mind
Languidly, Lingering, Longing;
Your brief presence soaked with intensity.
You smother me yet
MORE MORE MORE
is what I long for.
"no" you plead.
For you are best in sparing detail.
Me, always wanting more
until next time.
____________________________

Swaying Back and Forth
Side to Side
Simultaneously hopping
up and down
feet thumping, shaking
Head flailing, hair standing
up on end.
Mouth--involuntarily opens
to suck it all in
then clenches itself closed
to prevent any beauty
from escaping.
Provoked, enraptured, inspired, energized
GO GO GO!
There's no stopping it.
No restraint, No rules,
No right or wrong
Keys ignite
Fingers excite
Results incite
Exaltation."
__________________________
(in the right margin, I had written:
ECSTASY...OOH!
MEOW!
Meow
Meow.
CLAD?
Peter
Peter
?

wondering

I wonder if the person I like does not communicate with me more because a) he reserves that for certain types of relationships that we are not yet in, or b) he never communicates much, or c) we don't know each other well enough. I know he communicates with at least one person.

Monday

Second phone interview on Monday. Strange way of doing things, but cool!

journal entries 1997

just certain parts of this this one because it's so long...
__________________________________
"No matter where I am in things, I feel like I s hould be somewhere else. It seems like not everyone, but a great deal of people are where I want to be, so why am I not? This could easily become an exercise in self-pity, but it could also go merely into ponderings. I think the problem is that my idea of how life should be, and how I want my life to be, is based on the extraordinary, rather than the ordinary. Sidenote: I don't think people necessarily are naive for giving money to homeless people.
I look at people like Henry Miller, Anais Nin, Jack Kerouac, Thelonious Monk, Tom Waits, Paul Gaugin, you name it. I see that wonderful artistic, passionate, romantic, unlikely, excruciatingly difficult, challenging, competitive lifestyle as the norm. But then I get discouraged for two reasons:
One reason is that I don't think I have anywhere near as much talent as any of those people. The second reason is the realization that nobody is just given those gifts; they work damn hard for them. A kind of work and dedication and motivation that I've never known. So it's like, could I ever do it? then WOULD I ever do it?! I guess my favorite kind of writing is just about life, autobiographical, and just thoughts, observations, personal stories, personal ideologies, etc. So that's how I'd like to write, but I think in order to write a book like that, you have to actually be interesting...DAMN!
The only other two options are either knowing interesting people, or already being famous so people care about anything you have to say. Jack Kerouac, for instance, now true, I've only read one of his books so far, but from that impression, I don't think HE is all that fascinating. It's the people he knew who were interesting. (that's not completely true, but to a point it is).
...bla bla bla about Kerouac and Nin and Henry Miller and my boring friends, reclusive lifestyle, and how in order to meet the fascinating people I like, you have to go out, and then they give you the courage to go out and do stuff...

What I would like to know is...why is it that when I'm just writing, or reading, or thinking, or whatever, just being myself BY myself, assuming that there are no circumstantial interruptions/annoyances, I invariably fall into this really weird state of mind? I just stare at stuff (anything!) and am just awe-struck; fascinated. It's highly idealistic or humanistic or romantic..I don't know a word for it. But for example, I'll be looking at the EL, and just feel warm and happy and excited all over. I'll start thinking how it could be anywhere in the world. I can put myself somewhere totally different. It really IS like that train on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood where he pushes the toy train in his living room, and it transports him to this fantasy world with castles, and talking cat puppets. The same is true looking at the EL. Suddenly, I'm not inside a cafe in Evanston, IL looking at the EL go through the dreary sky illuminated only by yellowish interior lights. RAther, I'm in Paris, or Amsterdam, sitting at an outdoor cafe watching a train maybe go through the mountains, or a trolley go through the bustling cobblestone streets. I picture tulips, in all different colors, nestling cozily into a flowerbed outside a small window. Then I picture foreigners from all over strolling leisurely through the streets, wrapped in conversation as they window shop. They have hats, and long coats, even if it's sunny and warm. Instead of cars going by that all look the same, I see eccentric convertibles, taxi cabs, old cars, bicycles. That's not the point, it just gets me all happy about life, and people. Everything seems better, simpler, like everything will and is working out just fine. "

I'll write more of this post later...my gosh, it's really long!

Journal Entries 1997

This post is pretty immature. haha. not too tall an order!
__________________________
"I want someone average tall (5'10"-6'2") preferably with blue eyes and dark brown hair. Thin, but not a stick. But all this doesn't matter that much. I want certain personality traits more than anything. I want someone who can handle his emotions; in other words, does not store them up and blow up one day. Preferably, someone who's had therapy as an adult, is close, but not too close with family, is very open-minded, flexible, laid-back, strong (as a person), like, has his own personality.
Must be passionate, sensitive, able to express how he feels, artistic/musical. Refined, sophisticated, but also MUST be fun, funny, intelligent, must amuse and interest ME, not just BE amused and interested BY me. Liberal, somewhat old-fashioned and chivalrous. Well-read, not watch much T.V., love to go out, does not care about gas mileage, likes to explore new things, likes and wants to be near big cities.
Life Goals, Responsibility, etc: these are more complex -- I want someone who is responsible and has goals, but is not controlled by them. I don't want someone who's just on a track in life, and I'm part of that track. I want someone who wants me, period, then together, we'll explore tracks and find what we each want.
What Jenny and Bret say about who I like doesn't really bother me. I don't care if someone doesn't know exactly what he wants, or doesn't make a lot of money, or doesn't have a car, or lives in a studio, whatever. Now, if it came to marriage, I would just want us each to do our part to be well enough off to be happy with how we're living. If we want to live better, we work more, if we hate our jobs, we find something new, if we're bored, we move. I want us to like the same type of people, so we can all truly be friends, not just deal with them. I want someone who lives at night, like me, has lots of energy, is a romantic, (A LOT, like me), is somewhat impulsive, caring, honesty, etc are a given. No emotional issues -- everyone has issues, but not involving emotions. NO passive-aggressive, codependent, bitter, resentful, flaky, wishy-washy, weak people, no one who holds grudges or does things they don't want to, then holds it against you. I want someone who ALWAYS tells me how he feels at the time, is willing to compromise, etc. I want someone who, we enjoy each other's company and get away from each other once in a while naturally because we have our own lives, to avoid getting tired of each other. I want someone with whom I can share. Like, we can be together, totally bored, but not bored with each other -- so that we can enjoy being bored together. Not bored like, "why the hell am I with this person?!"
I want friends who are nocturnal, energetic, fun, funny, liberal, laid-back, open-minded, artistic, musical, sophisticated, very intelligent, witty, not ruled by their responsibilities, generally want to be with their friends, not alone, if they have significant others, bring them along sometimes, but not always, unless they're also part of the group of friends, etc.

Journal Entries 1997

12-10 or 12-11 1997
Noteworthy: In response to 'What's your occupation?' "My occupation is to learn to walk through all of them in a state of transcendentalism, to live only in the essence, and within the frame of none."
------------------------
I am lightly crying now from reading Anais Nin. Not because of her, but because I want something so badly that it incites tears, but I don't know what that something that I want IS! I get choked up by others' sentiment. I think I really need to at least TRY to get into some form of art as a major part of my life. I need to delve in; take the plunge, whatever. I have so much passion that I have this core instinct (beyond that) that I NEED to do something major with my passion -- whether it's writing, drawing, painting, playing piano, or all of the above -- I think I need to start throwing myself into it because I strongly believe that with enough effort, I could produce something very successful; maybe even make some sort of a living at it, or get some sort of recognition. K, done for now. :)

Journal Entries 1997

...still.
I think they're almost done.
-------------------------
"12-9-97
PEOPLE...
To my amazement, I'm just now realizing that I haven't thought much about how I really feel about people, in general. I'm kind of surprised at the realization that I am skeptical of most people. There are VERY few people that I feel confident about my love for them. Like usually, I don't think honestly and openly about how I really feel about people. But when I do, I see that most people, friends included, I like, I enjoy, I love in some ways, but I don't TRULY love. There are either things in them that I find ugly, or I don't trust their friendship. And it's not insecurity, I don't think, it's intuition; knowing there's not much in common between us. I need to find more people I truly love. When I say love I mean people who I find beautiful...."
"I want extreme closeness with everyone; I would love to have it (I think) even with people I hate. I want complete honesty, ok, that's enough for now. Love, Me.

Journal Entries 1997

12-8-97
"Everyone is jealous. Some admit it, others do not. It is a perversity to be jealous of the past because the past is usually made of ashes."
Think about:....."Those who unveil the mysteries have tragic lives."
actual sentence was: "I was incapable of earning a living."
I read it as: "I was incapable of becoming a woman."
Interesting, eh? I should work on both of those things because I think they're sort of how I feel and freezing me.
Anais Nin
"There are so many things lying within one, potential, unconscious, that if you are acting a role, and this role corresponds to a dormant self, this self awakens, becomes reality. But if you act a false role, something entirely outside of one's self, you get sick, uneasy."

"It considers all escape as bad, as evasion. Some of these escapes are mobilities into creative areas, towards light or sun, new growth, new departures or renewals."

"I find her unbalanced after two nights of insomnia, of walking through the city, sitting in cafes. She says, "I feel that nobody loves me, that they regard me as a monster. All but you. I feel unwanted everywhere."

"It is your guilt which makes you appear unlovely in your own eyes. There is something you can do to attract people. They feel you do not care about them. Show them that you care about them. Love attracts love."

"One finds the extraordinary in proportion to one's rebellion against the ordinary."
"You cannot have great adventures and your bedroom slippers at the same time."

If you take things too literally, they are ruined, they don't make sense, or they just seem disappointing. In reading something (Physically or mentally), trust your instinct, don't over-analyze, or you will question it, and it will lose its beauty. If you read on, you will realize that your initial interpretation was correct; they beauty really is there. Have faith in beauty!
I don't think poetry has to be, or even necessarily SHOULD be beautiful; it can most definitely be ugly, and that can still be beautiful in an artistic sense.
"He livs like a heavily loaded snail."
"When Henry (Miller) is faced with a conflict he simply goes dead. When he is faced with the need to take the lead, to act, to free himself, disengage himself, he is paralyzed." (!!)
"All unfulfilled desires are imprisoned children."
I want (or possibly see?) art in my chaos.

People on a higher level of consciousness place meaning and significance or symbolism on things that other people would not recognize, or think about.

"Poverty is the great reality. That is why the artist seeks it."
"Why seek the origin of fire? Why not BE the fire?"
I think I think like a child who doesn't think like a child.

"Break and shatter loneliness forever!
I am never close enough;
I want some impossible communion.
I must accept intermittences.
Loneliness in between."

"In Proust himself there was an activity which constantly created unreality: one was hyperanalysis, the other self-doubt. So he spins the unreality from which he suffers. He dissolves life."

note: Esther Harding: "The Way of All Women" ???

Journal Entries from 1997

12-3-97 at 1:45 a.m.
I think I'm getting some insight into people's interactions. I think people involve themselves with people who complement their personalities..like almost opposites. But I don't think it's as simple as "opposites attract." I think people ARE in fact interested in people very similar to them--very similar CORE personalities, BUT...those are fewer and farther between, in terms of relationships because although you really like the similar good things, attributes, they have similar weaknesses too. So if you get 2 people who, for example, are very social, but have trouble opening up to people, they'll be drawn to each other, but generally won't become seriously involved because neither wants to risk it. Oh, so then they'll become seriously involved* (probably) with people who are maybe less social, but open up very easily because what one person is unwilling to do, the other is eager to do, and vice versa. *actually, revision: people who are similar do become involved sometimes because sometimes it's easy, but sometimes these are the bad relationships because the good ones are ones you have to work at. ?? Similar weakness
Or like in my case, I like people who are artistic, sensitive, passionate, funny, confident, individualistic...I'm those ways too, but with these characteristics, people often tend to also be bull-headed, shy, moody, proud, unwilling to sacrifice, etc. So nothing will ever happen with those people because we have those same weaknesses, and neither is willing to budge. So who do I tend to become serious with if not those people? Well actually, I tend to be involved with people pretty close to that, only maybe that they're more extroverted than me (or occasionally, more introverted, like Dan). And then, maybe yeah, I get involved with people with all those characteristics, but then because of their pride, and need for privacy, people who have trouble opening up- and that's where I come in because it's fairly easy for me to open up, but it's a point of frustration for me because I want THEM to open up. So I'm good for (complement) someone who is maybe less shy, artistic, less sensitive, passionate, funny, confident, individualistic, one of us has to budge (them! :) ) more social (extroverted?) and has trouble opening up. And that person would be good for me. Like someone who is less sensitive, more social, and they could help me be more comfortable socially and I could help them open up more.
But because it's so hard to overcome weaknesses, I would go for...wait...I've gotten confused...
So the people who are especially contemplative, or philosophical, passionate, sensitive, artistic, are the people I am REALLY attracted to.
Which one is it: people with similar strengths are the ones who become involved with each other easily, but it's less happy, they'd be happier with someone with similar weaknesses, OR is it: that people with similar weaknesses are the ones who become involved with each other easily, but it's less happy, and they'd be happier with someone with similar STRENGTHS, and that's less common?
So maybe the best, but uncommon, relationships are where people have similar strengths AND weaknesses, but each person ends up a different way due to those things?

So the artist who cannot socialize, but CAN open up, SHOULD date the poet who CAN socialize, but CAN'T open up.
So friendly, shallow people should go out with friendly, slightly less shallow people.
Deep, shy people should go for deep, slightly less shy people.

Journal Entries 1997

11-17-97
I have nothing to write, but I'm bored, so I shall try. I should work on not just writing an account of what I'm doing, e.g. 'at Cafe Express, eating cake, etc' so that leaves....? I'm happy that I have a couple of new friends at work (or at least potential friends). Maybe friendly acquaintances? Anyway, I've hung out with each once with is a good start. I'm agitated that a store on Chicago Ave. has a chair on display that is painted eerily similar to how I painted MY chair. Grr. But at the same time, I'm kind of glad because that means I might actually have a knack for that sort of thing; however, I should reserve judgment until I see that chair SELL! I hate watching manager-employee "talks" at places I don't work because you have to observe how idiotic and overly serious these things are. When you're in one of those discussions, you're thinking how stupid they seem, but then you figure you're just being bitter and childish because it's you who's in trouble or whatever. So you figure, maybe you should take it all more seriously--other people don't seem to be having these discussions. But then it happens; you see someone else getting reprimanded and yup, sure enough--it's utter stupidity. Another example of managers around the world taking themselves too seriously. WHERE should I get my haircut? Risk Supercuts? Risk the drama of waiting another day? Who can tell? Why does everyone smoke? I think for atmosphere and for something to occupy them--take a slight break from uneasiness--just by having something to DO..Mas luego.

Journal Entries 1997

November 12, 1997
I just want to write for a few minutes because I have not written in this for a couple months, and I am feeling really good! I am feeling really proud of myself for the stuff I've been doing. There's plenty that I have not done, and need to do, but I stress out about these things all the time. I want to indulge in this moment of sheer happiness. I am elated at the prospect of going to see La Boheme next Monday. I can't even express how much that would mean to me. I am also proud that I'm volunteering! I'm excited about it. ...

Ok, that's it. I've had it!

No more Mr. Nice Guy (in this story, I am Mr. Nice Guy). The guy upstairs who had the audacity to complain about the noise of my piano-playing has not heeded my many requests for him to please not smoke in the basement. It wafts up through the vents into our apartment and is disgusting. I asked him. I asked the landlord. I have been a plain old bitch and just yelled down through the vents to stop. So...FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT! I'm no longer trying to keep my piano playing to a minimum. Why should I try? I hate knowing I'm being passive aggressive or petty, but I'm so sick of it, and it's not fair. What I'm doing is art; what he's doing could give me cancer.