what the hell? can we say, 'issues'?! this post was all over the place. I must have just started therapy, depression medication, and I was pretty much at the very end of my friendship with Bret. Lots of resentment on both sides. and Jenny was kind of in the middle. without further ado...mid-20s drama:
5-12-98
I haven't written for awhile, so...Let's see, first of all some stuff I want to discuss with...
Monday--cried at work--for week before had progressively gotten more and more sensitive and frustrated--Bob--lack of communication. Consistent problem with jobs. Keep "making sure" that I'm doing things right, so I think others think I'm not catching on. Felt excluded...two instances that Bob said/implied I wasn't catching on.
Apologized for yelling, said I'm really doing very well, and not to worry.
(2) Not keeping in touch with family as much as maybe I should
(3) What Jenny said -- "Why do you hang out with people you don't like?" confused as to what to do?
(4) have had nervous habits
Guilt
Late for work
What to do about Bret
Problem with Dad from when I lived there
Weight Gain.
K--now for non-goal-oriented writing. I've been thinking about question of what I do for my spiritual self.
First, I was frustrated because I couldn't even define spirituality. I finally decided that my personal definition is -- the immaterial, transcendental self.
Religious beliefs are a part of it, and therefore, prayer (which I have done at times).
Jenny's four questions: Do you believe in a higher power? Do you believe in fate? Do you believe there's something bigger than you, controlling your destiny? and what do you believe happens after death/ (heaven/hell? reincarnation? conscious? nothingness?) But I also consider it, like Mom said, to be your inner self--which I express by music, art, writing, philosophizing, bubble baths, candles, walking, enjoying nature, etc. Aren't those things spiritual? So, let's see if anything else comes to mind...I really want to write a book, but I don't know what to write about, or how to go about doing it. And every time I write, that's all I write; just my perceptions? what should I write? My perceptions under a fake name. Ideas. dialogue?
"What you will be witnessing for the next several pages is the story of a bored, recovering depressive. Within the last three months, I have gone from not taking any medication to taking 150% more than my initial dosage. So I'm starting to feel significantly better, but the problem is that 95% of my friends are depressed, and not...."
Upper margin, wrote: "Get Over It!"
First of all..
1.) You ask me to behave in a certain way, (if someone he knows attacks me, I say 'why didn't you defend me?' and yesterday I did everything I told him not to do, e.g. just stand there and let Jenny pick on him.
Every time we make plans, if he changes any little thing, I get very upset (say I try so hard and he's not trying at all)
Yesterday...Jen and I decided it was fine to change plan...hypocritical.
I let Jen tell Bret how he is...how he's immature, like a baby, and inflexible. If I wasn't being hypocritical, I would say he's right, we had plans and you and I should do this another time. Instead, I stood there and said, 'yeah, the more the merrier.' (e.g. Hillary, etc would NEVER say I'm showing up and saying 'we'll all hang out.'
What Robbin thinks I should say to Bret:
"Immaturity is very unbecoming.
You're 27.
You're 27.
Stop Whining.
If you can't act your age, I don't want to be around you.
So deal with it,
and get back to me.
.....Love, Robbin"
"I want to enjoy your company.
If you cannot listen to me, that says an awful lot"
"You don't want people around you who don't make you feel good."
So GO AWAY
"Call me When You Grow Up"
I say for Bret to act one way and yet I act any way I want to. e.g. saying he never calls me.
I try, he doesn't.
No matter how much he calls, I just decide that I'm upset and don't pick up the phone.
2. sick of one-way street with me.
I say I'm so much better of a friend.
Everything I say to him
how upset I am, etc
that's how I'm behaving better
I put in so much more of an effort, Bret, I'm worried about this friendship"
and my other friends always do this or that. (they always hang out together, never have a plan)
Bret hears that he's not a good friend.
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