Journal Entries 1998

Sometimes I fully expect to come home to an apartment filled with incense, tribal music oozing from every corner, ambient lighting coming exclusively from candles, and a roommate basking in the middle of the frightening scene in a yoga stance chanting. She is one of those people who is constantly running from everything. Every item she owns is organic, from soap to toothpaste to her vegan cuisine. 90% of her books come from the self-help section; the other 10% is broken into religion, and man-bashing. And not surprisingly, she's probably the least lucky person I've ever met. She is surrounded by tragedy. Her husband died jumping rope! Not from a heart attack, but because he was jumping rope backwards, tripped on the rope, and fell backwards into a wall instantly breaking his neck.

And then of course, we cannot forget about my lot of friends. There's Anna who believes in the occult, and that she is psychic, and when anyone's having a problem gives them a spell to do. But I don't want to be insulting by poking fun. I love them dearly. I have nothing to write, but I must write without stopping because that is an exercise they say to do in order to come up with things to write, and "they" swear you'll end up writing something interesting. Well, I am here to contest that vehemently. Um....the table is gray, the floor is wood. I cannot even HELP but DESPISE those guys. Every other time I'm here, they are here too talking about chicks and motorcycles. They are so full of themselves and immature and shallow. They're walking pimples! And what I REALLY don't understand is the females who hang around them. Masochists, I suppose. Am I supposed to still be writing? Maybe I shouldn't try to force it. Maybe I should just try to write later. What ever happened to the illusion that I was a good writer? I must be trying too hard, plus I have a headache and not much energy. What's this?? They're talking about clothes! (shiver) Well, I'll read now.

How do you find out about being in a festival? How far in advance?
Sensitivity
jealousy
loneliness
weight
Roommate noise better. punctuality at work.
Does Zoloft bring up feelings that it feels like have been hidden??
The Idiot
Portrait of a Lady
third Anais Nin Diary
Henry Miller
second Proust novel
________________
I'm TOO sensitive to say the LEAST! Just came from street fair and started crying because I bargained too low for a dress, and the girl said, "it costs that much just for the white fabric." She said it relatively nice--maybe a little insulted at the most, and I apologized and said I didn't have enough money (true), but she was already helping someone else and didn't hear. I just felt corrected and stupid. I think partially because she seemed cool--someone I'd like to be friends with, which triggered my feelings of loneliness. Also, my insecurity and self-consciousness about weight. At one of the first booths, the woman was talking to someone ELSE about sizes and to run the size past her first. I knew I didn't want to buy there because she seemed critical and everyone there was skinny. I used to be skinny, and now I'm jealous of skinny people. Everyone seems prettier, thinner, happier, and more confident and more social than me lately. This makes me really sad!! What should I do about these AWFUL feelings? Will the Zoloft help? I truly hope so!