I'm so happy it's so rainy todaaaay!

Despite its redundancy today, I am going to get in the shower now. I have places to be.

What I hate about School

I got an email stating that I Owe $650 and until it is paid, I will not get my diploma. What is this $650 for? This 3-week bullshit, waste of time seminar where the instructor did not do a damn thing except write a welcome post and say "thank you" for assignment submissions. This stuff makes me furious. I know, it's school, it costs money, but...ARGH!!! How the heck am I supposed to come up with $650...quicklY?

mac mouse

I'm so glad I got it working again. I've grown accustomed to its 360-degree scrolliness.

Kathryn and me...2007 or 2008

I don't remember if I've already posted this, but I love this picture. I should contact her!

Nicole and Gael and Gaelle

This was a French couple that we met through a friend. They were great. They were from the North of France--I don't remember the name of the town, but I'd probably recognize it if I saw it--this was several years ago.

GGGGRRRRRRRR

I wish Jenny and Scott would just go see Dark Shadows without me. I feel criticized and am getting more and more irritable.
Update:
______
Well, we all went different directions, so that works too.

It was fun to see Jenny today, and tomorrow morning I go see Mom again. I may have to tell her NO MACY'S: you're still recovering from surgery! Then depending when I'm done, Jen and I may try again to see Dark Shadows tomorrow as a matinee.

Now that I'm done with school, aside from Thursday, I can put all my energy on the job search; there are jobs out there, and that's good news. I'm not going to be picky at all; I can always look for something better later. Thursday I have to go to Mom's new place to supervise furniture arriving, so that she doesn't have to deal with it and freak out with stress.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling much more sane and like myself now that things have calmed down a bit. I'm going to work on doing rather than writing, and working on myself, and not sending messages when I am emotional, and try not to obsess about stuff. Remember how Dad said about 15 years ago, it's like you don't have a care in the world...I like that side of me..to an extent. Speaking of which, I need to call him and find a time to get together this week!

hmm

Dan just asked if I'd be interested in playing on his Saturday pool team for summer. I might.I kind of liked that league, although with way less people, it won't be as fun. Maybe a couple other people could join too or something. Update: Well, I may not be needed, but it's still up in the air. Also, they're thinking about starting it an hour later; that would be nice.

oy, dumb waste of time "seminars"

Well, this is the last weekend of online class/seminar thingie-bop, and it's the biggest pile of crap I've ever had to wade through.

In response to one of my posts, someone wrote back, and this was the end of one of his sentences:
"Sometimes we need extra time to do things right, huh? (laugh out loud)."

I thought there was nothing nerdier than typing "LOL"...that's until I saw someone actually type "(laugh out loud)." My lord, what is society coming to?! Ending in a preposition; suck it. I forgot where, but there's some story where someone at some big company fired a copy-editor for fixing a sentence like that...I can't think of the phrase.

second student excellence award

I was awarded this for my paper on emotional intelligence in the workplace. I don't understand why. WHY don't these come with money?! A plaque is just going to be thrown away eventually. It's kind of like trophies for playing pool...really?! I'd rather the dollar. I'm still flattered though and feel like I accomplished something.

Also, I wonder how much I could have slacked off and still graduated; I look at some of the other people's posts in this end bullshit seminar, and I don't see HOW they are graduating. One girl wrote back to my post about research seminar saying that she got so much from it, and she proceeded to go on and on about how much it taught her to write a paper. ugh. That's exactly what we learned research is NOT. That's a literature review. Oh, and the bullshit classes that some of these people took are unbelievable!

Caring

Sometimes I remind myself that no one is thinking about me or cares what I do, so I'm really in it for myself. That's a good lesson, but then, I also wonder because I actually DO think about people and what they do. Why do I if they do not?

Tell your representative to reject a harmful energy and water spending bill: Thank You, Tell-a-Friend - NRDC Action Center

Tell your representative to reject a harmful energy and water spending bill: Thank You, Tell-a-Friend - NRDC Action Center

Oh, I Forgot about this

It's really bad, but I drew this to help out a former classmate on an art project he was working on about a year and a half or two years ago. I used Cray-Pas, and it started out kind of cool, but I kept futzing with it. The bottom one is mine. I think I had to take one of his pictures and do my own version of it. This is what I created. If I find the original, I'll post it too.

Perspective

There's nothing like a bus to give you some perspective!
I took a bus halfway there and all the way home from where i went tonight. This time it was Joe: the should-have-been movie critic, according to his brother who passed away a few years ago.
I learned this as I looked and noticed him speaking very loudly...to nobody. It puts a pit in the back of my throat; I want to cry so much for Joe. Shit, writing that is bringing tears to my eyes...but nothing unstoppable.

At first, I thought Joe was super drunk. Then, I thought he had some mental illness, but was happy. At this point in time, I decided that I was going to write about this: who's the one who's 'crazy'? The one who is happy but who people look at strangely because he doesn't fit in? or the people who are fucking miserable but fit in perfectly? (or the people who are like the Stepford Wives...that's a whole different ball of wax. . . same ball of wax.)

But then, Joe eluded to some sadness too. fuck it all to hell. He started talking about how he'd bet 10-1 that he will probably be handed some misery in the future. He's not a gambling man, Joe, but a $500 bet with 10-1 odds...that's $5000. He'd rather lose that bet.

That's not such a crazy thing to say at all. Meanwhile, his audience of nobody and everybody ignored him, probably pretended to text on their phones, shot glances at him now and then, but generally avoided eye contact. Poor Joe. Is he married? Does he have a home? Did his brother know that he has some emotional issues? Did people try to help him? Does he have a mental disorder? If I'm a psychologist, will I be able to help people like him? It just makes me emotional.

I've talked to people like Joe before...lots of times. If I was sitting by him on the bus, I probably would have been the one to be drawn into his soliloquy. This is where I get into trouble. Now I'm crying. I was brave and strong all night, and now, because of someone else whom I felt for, I'm weak again. As soon as I FEEL, I want to SHARE. Not just want, but I NEED to share. When I think about it, everyone needs to share, which is what worries me about people who don't share very easily. What are we alive for? To appreciate it, do all that we can, and to help others. I think.

So, at first I was hurt that someone left without saying goodbye to me. But I don't really care; I handled it well, and i don't take it personally even if it is personal. It's not meant offensively; he either didn't realize, or I was being unapproachable, or he wanted to have some space after my messages of late. That's perfectly understandable. Everyone needs space sometimes. or is oblivious. or doesn't care. or has his or her own issues. I talked to Y about needing some hobbies...maybe joining a soccer team or playing tennis. She said we should play tennis sometime. I hope that pans out; that made me really excited and hopeful. So, see, I am trying. I just know I have a lot of trouble with boundaries and what's appropriate. Sometimes I share way too much and make people uncomfortable, but because I know that, I THINK sometimes I maybe don't share enough, and so people see me as not wanting to share or something.. I wonder if that's true.

Now I just feel loving and want to love everyone. ugh. Also, I really want to take an afternoon, find an area, and clean up garbage. Is that crazy? Litter is so ugly and rude. Wouldn't it help to just work on a little area?

Walk or Sit?

I'm not sure if I should go for a long walk, or just stay home.
If I walk I will need a place to go, and chances are good that I would end up 2.3 miles away and spend money. I wouldn't spend that much though. My mom gave me a little money for gas, and since I didn't drive today, I won't need that. Hmm, that could be used. It's a beautiful day. I don't know.

jobs

I applied for editor at Nasdaq...that sounds stressful, but still better than administrative assistant.

As much as I hate calling people I know, I hate calling people I don't know even more. I had to call three of my mom's friends to let them know that she got here okay. I made a faux pas because I thought one Jack was another Jack. I don't think it was caught though.

I don't understand

I've been turned down for several administrative assistant positions. I've done it for probably ten years or more, (I do hate it) and I keep getting messages saying they're going with someone who more closely meets their needs, or that I don't have the qualifications they're looking for. I don't understand. It's a weird thing. This is why I need to go to grad school because jobs like this don't like me, and I don't like them. What is wrong with me?? (wait, don't answer that)

Mom's in Chicago

She made it here in one piece...now she's sleeping and re-gaining strength. It was too soon after surgery to have to fly and worry about moving! ugh. I thought I was being really calm, but she said, 'you're trying too hard and you're SO tense'. oops. My aunt just messaged me asking where she could send flowers. So sweet, but my mom can't even think yet as to where she will be.

Doctor Appointment Went Well

Aside from going back one MORE time in a month to see if a cyst has gotten any bigger, I'm good. She's not worried about anything right now, and she doesn't seem to think that there will be a change. So, PHEW. Now if my mom would feel better and gets moved here, I can relax even more.

Oh yeah, and good news too: my blood pressure got much lower than last time (without the medication as of yet), and my weight went down some. I'll keep doing what I'm doing!

Good Reminder

from someone with a lot of wisdom who I want to be happy:

"You'll never find happiness if you're looking in just one place for it."

So true. And I don't think that means don't look where you're looking (I hope); it just means that a) that's too much pressure/responsibility/power to put on that one thing or person, and b) the more places you look, the likelier you are to find it, and c) there is no panacea; nothing is going to solve everything.

I need to not see statements like this as rejection either. My mind spins things around. I have been trying to find happiness in a lot of places, but most have been failing.

Also, to be perfectly honest, I really do put too much stock in that one person for happiness--because that person makes me happy. Also, I think the way I've become so controlling about things in the last few years is because things/situations/I have been chipping away at my esteem. I feel good about who I am (really good), but I don't trust that people I like will like me, or that things will turn out the way I want them to--and so, I try to control them, so they will turn out how I want. It doesn't work that way, and that really pisses me off. I've always been one to cogitate about outcomes BEFORE acting, and often in lieu of acting. The reason: I don't want to be caught off guard. Also, I realized at a young age that I don't want to be stuck 'between a rock and a hard place' ever; so I would just avoid that. Ha! as if that works. If something might get me hurt; don't do it. This is why I had/am having such a freak-out over this whole medical thing I've been dealing with for the last few weeks. It's only normal stuff: we see something that should be looked into--we need follow-up; that sort of thing, but I'm so fucking scared that I'll have to have surgery or have pain or something really bad. Whatever, I need to stay positive right now. Puppies. Flowers. Kittens. Rainbows. Family. Friends. Love.

An Interesting Point

This is old, but it's about Romney's business experience and whether or not that is actually enough to be a good President (no..in my opinion).

I like to apply at companies that sound good

I just applied for a mediocre-sounding job because it's at Standard & Poor's. How cool would it be to say I work at the S&P?

I hope the West Loop won't be terrible to get to today. I have to drive because after appointment I have to go straight to Jenny's. I agreed to clean her apartment for her because she's been having trouble motivating herself (I understand!) She'll be at work, so I'll be able to hopefully get the high-priority stuff done.

There better be parking at the cheap lot, or else I'm screwed. hmm, be there at 11:45, walking..about twenty minutes?? driving...20ish minutes?? so leave around....11...maybe ten minutes earlier. Start brushing teeth and stuff...10:30. okay, done thinking aloud. on paper...on computer.

Comment reminded me of this song

Transparency

As much as I like my sincerity and my passion, it's really hard sometimes to be so transparent. I love when people understand me, but sometimes it's just disarming when they hit the nail on the head or say the right thing. I always think I'm the perceptive one; so when someone else shows that quality, I'm taken aback...not to mention that sometimes I'm not as perceptive as I think I am.

When I have feelings come up (and drinking at all is bad for this), it's like I must express everything now! and I can't censor myself. enough for now.

I'm trying pretty hard to keep my sanity; things have been tension-provoking. I'm looking for happiness in lots of places, and also, not taking it for granted when it's there. But it's just hard when you know you need to be somewhere else; you have a wish list; so, of course, you're going to look for things to head in those directions, right? Then, when things don't go your way, it's frustrating sometimes. Anyway, I had fun tonight, but damn my jealousy; it's so stupid. I know I had no REAL reason to be jealous tonight...but I just saw a look that wasn't toward me, and it hurt a little. So what if was a look of love or like or admiration or all of the above...you feel the same way about her. And I WAS trying too hard to be a part of the conversation because I WAS feeling a little insecure at that point. Then I started getting insecure and beating up on myself...why would anyone like you...you imagined all of this...get over yourself...you're a fool...like that. It's a bad cycle.

I might

Tomorrow at noon I have appointment downtown on Michigan: that should be fun?! Not. Wash dishes, apply to jobs, do final homework, play piano.
Long(ish) term: find ways to have fun; maybe some things to join; try to make friends (through activities), ween myself off stupid online games. finish goddamn book.
Find money so I can (among other things) pay to renew my New Yorker subscription.
Mom moves here Wednesday. Dad and Pat get home from vacation same day. Seminar for school ends at end of week. Wait for diploma in mail. Then start studying for GRE.

I like this song

I'm bored.

I feel like a slug today.
Isn't there something to DO?

You too can wear foxy hot pants

just 5 minutes a day!

Well, THAT was annoying

I had to take a test for a job I applied for...project assistant...it was like part IQ test, part mathematical ability test, part vocab, part mechanical ability (?!)...which is apparently at about zero, and personality test. It took forever, and the math part kicked my ass--embarrassing! I never did well in geometry or story problems.
weird. wouldn't be surprised if I never hear another thing from them.

ugh!

I think I'm going to never use Facebook again. I'm so sick of hearing about it; it's so overblown! It's just annoying that it's so popular, and it's making him so much money, and for what?! It's just encouraging narcissism and a way to make people feel like they're creative and important while they are doing less and less that might be creative or important. I'm kind of sick of all things internet right now. (as I do exactly what I'm talking shit about...hmm. Shit.)

Vocabulary--Exculpate

New Word:

"ex·cul·pate
verb (used with object), ex·cul·pat·ed, ex·cul·pat·ing.
to clear from a charge of guilt or fault; free from blame; vindicate."

also, exculpatory

"Pronoun Envy"

Ooh, my inner word nerd is just delighted!

Lexicon Valley Podcast

Borris the Walrus by Nicole P. in second grade

"There was once a Walrus by the name of: Borris,
he was usually very happy, but one day he just wasn't so happy because he didn't have anything to do, and there were no friends he could play with at that time.
some how he just wanted to be the zoo keeper, and guess what he got to, boy!! was he exited and he was already oftelly tired so he got dressed up like Herman and got In their house slept/ and ate fish and then finnally the wife of Herman figured out that the walrus was not her real Husband. The End"

squueeeeaaaak

This image is taken from this webpage. So cute!!! I'm melting.
Awkward-Sleeping-Position-Cats

Applying for More Types of Jobs

In the last half hour I have applied for everything from Animal Caregiver to Dating Coordinator to Operations Associate to Proofreader to HR Assistant to Help Desk Support and five temp agencies. I wish I had more people to play Words with Friends with. My own brother won't even play with me ... sigh. username nicoleparker, people...

Tuesday 11:45

downtown.
keep nerves
in check.

Oh yeah

I forgot. I had an insecurity/rejection dream last night that's making me feel weird today. In the dream, a person I like came in with a bright red face and I was excited, but then he started saying (I don't remember the words) that basically he's through; he's sick of me; I'm always around. And even though it was a bar with no food, he was eating a huge fried egg. Stupid. I just had that awful feeling of doom when you know someone is rejecting you, and you're just waiting for them to say what they have to say. I hate that! (Please don't feel that way about me) So even though it was a stupid dream, now I'm like, Oh, maybe I should NOT go over and maybe see him. I was thinking about going Thursday, but I'm not sure. Saturday? Today? I can't tomorrow because there is one more night of pool@Driftwood. I still need to make that doctor's appointment. Maybe tomorrow...this is why I keep a copy of "Stop Procrastinating" (approximate title) on my bookshelf...because it's funny to me that I haven't read it yet. I will never read so that I can always keep it and say that. hee hee.

Interesting? No. Convenient? No. But should I do it for her? Maybe.

This is so sweet and flattering. I guess I should say yes. I'll deal with feeling like a huge dork closer to the date.

"Nicole,

I hope things are well for you.

I am planning the summer Foundations class I will be teaching and want to follow-up on a conversation we had… Might you be willing and able to be a guest speaker? I will be teaching in the Loop and would like to plan a panel of alumni for 6pm on August 7. Let me know if this would be interesting and convenient for you.

Cordially, Ellen"

Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers

I think that album by The National would be good music to listen to while making out...just saying...

Tonight I can't get enough of "It Never Happened. Am I the only one who replays things that I like in my head over and over and over again? They keep me happy sometimes when I otherwise might not be.

Stuff

I don't want to make another doctor appointment, so I didn't today. I should do that in the next few days though.

I'm determined that Game of Thrones is as popular as it is solely because of the boobs. That is all; good reason though--they are fun to watch.

I hope I get to see my special friend-person-thing soon.

I need to stop being scared about medical stuff, pain, old age, death, loneliness. I need to get my mind off of it, aside from seeing doctor (let's hope I don't have to go again for a year after this).

No Pool

I'm all dressed up with no place to go.
(just kidding; I'm wearing yoga pants and a Pacman t-shirt for crying out loud.
I wonder what everyone else will be doing tonight.
Beets with mint are yummy.

Afternoon Nap

I took a nap and had a dream that someone offered me a beer, and when I said 'no' he said 'okay, good' and took three bottles across the street. And one of the bartenders was using a hose to fill up empty beer bottles (like that's part of a bartender's job is MAKING the bottles of beer) and one of her fellow teammates was looking on, wearing super-hero-blue tights and shoes and skirt with some shirt. Yup, that's my dreams for ya.

I guess we don't have pool tonight, since I haven't heard anything and don't see any upcoming dates online.

Stuck in 2004

Luckily, I just found that by downloading Open XML Format Converter for Mac, I can read .docx files that I otherwise couldn't because I have a Mac with Office 2004 on it. Not that I really WANT to read the aforementioned .docx files, but I must. So, now I can. yawn.

As an aside, having finally finished my schoolwork and now waiting for my degree (while taking bullshit exit seminar thing in which we have to read others' bullshit writing in .docx files), I am fairly appalled at how poorly people STILL write! These people shouldn't be allowed to graduate if they can't even compose sentences properly. Whatever. This soapbox is too slippery. (p.s. I don't really know what a soapbox is...I just know that people tend to 'get on' them. I picture it being a soapy box; hence, my commenting on how slippery it is.) This is probably totally wrong, but I don't care enough to look it up.

One of my assignments from 1979

sorry you can't see all the text. What I wrote is this: "All about Me. I have brown hair I have blue eyes. I like to wear shorts when it's hot and when it's freezing I like to be cold and freezing but my mom ses be warm insad of cold. And I like dresse's and jeans. I like my hair in pony tails just about every day and on real speial ackashin's I like my hair up. and some time's I like my hair in brades for Breckfest I like Most and Cheerio's and raisin bran and I don't "
(it got cut off there.)
My favorite parts about this picture are not only that I am totally fancier than the rest of my family, but I'm holding a camera, and if you look carefully on the right in the forefront, there's a swingset!

I think some time in 1979

"The Golden Fish By Nicole P.

Once there was a cat and a boy who had a bird. And he went to a fishshop and there was a special spinner that told the maneger when and who to get a fish for. And the little boy got the golden fish. He ran home but when he was gone the fish jumped out of the bowl and fell on floor. And then a black cat came And picked him up and put him back in and right before the boy got home the cat got out of the house. And then the boy came in, and thats The End Of The Golden Fish The End See you soon."

I got a "Good" with a star

March 28, 1979

First grade assignment:

Write why you like your friend.

"Amy I like her becase shes nice.
They do what the uther friend wants to do. We dont fight about something.
We help clean up
when we leave or when
we want to play with something els"

second grade story

picture of a pool and me with hair ribbons bigger than my entire body, holding a bat, and my dad holding a ball.

"Today is the first day of Spring. I love Spring because I get to play in my swimming pool. and I get to play in the sprinkaler and I get to play baseball with my dad."

(I got a "great" with a star from the teacher. aww yeah.)

Another second grade story with picture

"If I was a jelly bean I would want to be a black jelly bean. or I would want to be a pink one or a orange one or a yellow one. But mostly I would want to be a black one because it's my moms favrit kind of jelly bean."

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS

I love my mom so much, and everyone should always treat their mothers super nice, but we should go out of our way to make today special. I will celebrate when my mom is in town, but I was just looking through my REALLY old papers and found a Mother's Day card I wrote in class for Mother's Day in second grade. All the stuff to write was given to us, and those parts are lame, but there were some sentences with fill-in the blanks with my own words. Here are the sentences and what I wrote:
(I'm sending this to my mom too!)

sentence: I like being with my mother most when .....
My answer: shes cleaning and when shes sowing (crossed out and corrected) sewing. And when shes niting (sic) knitting.

If I could give my mother something special just from me it would be:
earrings dresses and a necles and a ring.

My favorite experiences with Mom:
is cleaning drying dishes washing dishes working looking for stuff. Lots of stuff.

My mother loves me best when:
I'm good and when I clean.

My mother looks prettiest when:
she goes to partys and any time.

Two pictures in one.

Mom sent me these pictures as one scan, so the top one is me at about age 14 (?) at the Hogans' house in Julie's room. I was writing a letter to someone at the time. The bottom one is my cousin Lynn trying to teach me ballet..I'm not sure how old we were...6ish and 10ish??

And.....I'm back.

That didn't take long; Jenny didn't want to hang out apparently; just eat. Fine by me. Now I get solitude for several hours. I wish I had more than just one candle. I feel like lighting the whole place up with candles alone. Oh well. I wonder if pool is over, or if we play this week; I don't even know. It's a pool-filled day and night for Scott and co. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to try to keep my mind occupied.

Ah, the Rewards of Friendship

Since Jenny starts her crazy diet again on Monday, she wants to pig out this weekend. Since I am the best friend, I get to go with her...despite being broke. As long as I make her broccoli soup at a later date, she will pay for me for dinner tonight. Sweet. Still, I owe her a lot when I get a job again...even though for years and years we've gone back and forth financially.

So....Jenny's two favorite restaurants in the city are Cafe 28 and Twist, so I'm guessing it will be one of those in about two hours (I'm starting to get hungry already though.)

Going on an Adventure

Eric and Zoe and I are going for breakfast/lunch. He said that Zoe wanted an adventure. He asked how she would feel about going for lunch with Aunt Cole and she said YEAH. YEAHYEAH. YEAH.

so...in about 30 minutes. That is so what I need! hurray.

I named him Hammy.

Self-explanatory

Big Sur

Trip to San Francisco in 2007. I took this picture backwards out the car window, and it still was this pretty! Gorgeous drive.

My cousin Joy on left, and cousin Craig's wife Cathy (I think that's her name...eek!)

Floyd and Nietzsche

Awww, these are Jenny's cats at Jenny and Rachel's old apartment.Floyd passed away about 2 years ago on Christmas. He's the black one. Catnip apparently makes his eyes go wacky. The passed out one laying just in front of the cat nip is Nietzsche.

Tree. (sorry I'm geeking out with pictures today)

My desk...but when?

It took me a while to realize that this is the desk that I'm still using, in the same place, but look at that monitor! and the cassette tapes? and the desk is clean?! I have no idea when this was; it couldn't have really been very long ago, but it looks like it because of the tapes and the monitor, and the keyboard and mouse..and no mini mac in the right corner of desk!

Yes, there is a place called 'What Cheer'

Picture I took on the way to Oskaloosa, IA

"Call Charley The Ideal Man"

The Red Room

at John and Sandy's. There's a picture of it in the light, but I think this one is more mysterious.

Aunt Sandy

My uncle John's wife, and they are the parents of Amy.

Cousins on Grandma's porch swing

This was probably about 1975! Left to right it goes: Karen, Amy, Craig, Eric, Nicole (in Eric's lap).

Aww. Grandma's house!

It was pretty much always an army-green color, but then they painted it yellow when she got to be over 100. The left side of the porch has a porch swing that was there at least since I was little. There's a picture of the cousins sitting on it when I was about 3 years old. I guess I should post that next. Sorry if I've posted these in the past. I'll double-check eventually.

Ah, a family tradition

The Oskaloosa relatives (I should say...I don't know if this is still as much a tradition as when my Grandma was alive, but it probably is) go to this bakery pretty much every morning, probably at about 6 a.m. This has been for decades.

Aunt Sandy's salt and pepper shaker collection!

Uncle John

His camera is not shown. This is all my dad's side of the family: Dad, Dick, John, Nancy...need to find picture of her next. These are all from Grandma's 100th birthday party at some park in Oskaloosa.

Uncle Dick and Craig

Amy humoring my Dad

This is my cousin Amy being very polite while listening to my Dad go on and on in his typical fashion about cameras. It cracks me up because my dad looks seriously entertained about whatever he's saying about this bunch of cameras. (He has (or had?) hundreds; this is but a small collection!)

Grand Canyon 2003ish

Iowa, on the way to Grandma's in about 2005

I find this incredibly amusing

It reminds me of one of my favorite SNL sketches...where Fred Armisen plays Nicolas Fehn. First the video I just came across, then the SNL sketch it reminded me of. It also reminded me of SCIgen that will create an official-looking paper about some subject matter that is just bullshit and says nothing. Here's mine. ALL of this reminds me of how I feel when I go to about 80% of corporate web pages. I often still have no idea what the company does after reviewing their web site.

DSM Overhaul

Article from Scientific American

Tea Time With Pooh

This is one of my favorite pictures of myself. I was having tea with Winnie the Pooh. This table was set up in my bedroom. From the pants to the dishes to the wallpaper to the crooked bangs, I just really enjoy this picture.

Annella, Harold (?), Mary K., and Alice Walsh

I need to double-check that my Grandpa's name was Harold..I might have that wrong. I never met him. Anyway, so this is he and my Grandma Walsh (who lived until 94), and mom (in red coat) and Aunt Annella on the left (two of the three children...Peggy isn't in the picture; she's the youngest.)

Heads should roll.

I don't know what I can do exactly, but regarding the research I'm doing about my mom's issue, I feel like Erin fucking Brockovich (sp?)

Poor Speeder

I tried to keep that spider alive--really, I did. But as I was watching him, contemplating his fate, and thinking I should let him live, he starting climbing down his web just in front of the bathroom mirror and right toward me. So, unfortunately, today was his last day. Sorry Mr. Spider. (In my defense, He was really big and icky too)

Info I'm finding online

This is making me sick. It's emotionally wearing to think about all of this. But I want to help mom. (she's been without cancer for years, but now is dealing with implant complications, which in some ways seem worse right now...to me.)

...regarding breast cancer reconstruction patients...

from National Research Center (http://www.center4research.org/2011/06/2011-fda-update-on-silicone-gel-breast-implant-safety-many-unanswered-questions/)"

"The huge number of patients who are “missing” from many of these studies, and especially the Mentor studies, are such a problem that these results would not be publishable in any peer-reviewed journal."

"In addition, It seems that some of the studies did did not ask about many of the complications that women with leaking implants have complained about in testimony before the FDA, such as joint pain, hair loss, and other autoimmune symptoms. By focusing on the diagnosis of rare diseases rather than on symptoms that are more likely, some of the studies seem designed to result in an “implants are safe” conclusion rather than a “complications can be devastating “ conclusion."

Annual MRIs

from National Organization for Women (http://www.now.org/issues/health/052605MentorDefects.html):

"May 26, 2005

By Shelley Whitcher, Legal Intern

A major manufacturer of breast implants, Mentor Corporation, hid information of defective implants from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and consumers, say two former employees. According to a recent New York Times article ("Implant Maker Hid Defects, Workers Said" by Gardiner Harris, May 22, 2005), Mentor purposely withheld important information about its safety record and distributed contaminated products.

The depositions of two former Mentor employees were taken during a lawsuit brought by Kim Hoffman, who claimed that her Mentor implants had made her sick. Although the suit was eventually dismissed, Hoffman provided the depositions to The New York Times last week.

John C. Karjanis, the former product evaluation manager for Mentor, stated under oath that "top executives instructed him to destroy reports detailing the high rupture rates and poor quality of some types of implants because the products 'are in the customers.'" Karjanis also stated that one Mentor manufacturing executive attempted to obtain approval of defective products through fraudulent documents. When confronted by Karjanis, the executive admitted to trying to get one past him.

Moreover, Karjanis stated that Mentor "suppressed a report finding that some implant models had a high failure rate," and that factory workers also hid defective products in the ceiling tiles in an effort to conceal how often the plant failed to make the products properly.

During the two years that Karjanis served as the product evaluation manager, Mentor "never met basic quality standards for implant manufacturing." Karjanis also asserts that Mentor may have received contaminated silicone from its supplier; and, shockingly, Mentor's implant packaging was sometimes infested with fleas, which came in contact with the implants' surface.

As if faulty products and flea contamination weren't enough, Mentor also lied about its rupture complaints according to Cynthia Fain, a Mentor employee for more than three years who supervised the rupture complaint unit. According to Fain, Mentor received more than 3,000 rupture complaints each year she was with the company. Mentor, however, only reports a total of 8,060 rupture complaints from 1985 to September 2003. Fain says this discrepancy exists because Mentor disregards complaints from women who fail to complete a form allowing Mentor to inspect their extracted implants.

In April, the FDA's General and Plastic Surgery Devices Advisory Panel raised serious public health concerns about silicone breast implants while reviewing an application from Mentor to market their implants to the general public. Currently, silicone breast implants are available only to breast cancer reconstruction patients and women who already have implants and want them replaced. They must also enroll in a clinical trial. Silicone breast implants were taken off the general market in 1992 following numerous reports and lawsuits when breast implant patients became ill.

The advisory panel inexplicably voted for Mentor's pre-market application. FDA scientists reporting to the panel, however, criticized the data from Mentor for failing to sufficiently respond to questions regarding the long-term safety of their products. In other words, there was no basis for the advisory panel determining that Mentor had provided sufficient evidence to demonstrate that their product was reasonably safe for women over the long term.

Read more on NOW's work on breast implants."

New French President

but will he have a model/actress/singer as a wife?
from New York Times...
"François Hollande Beats President Nicolas Sarkozy in French Election

François Hollande swept to victory on Sunday, becoming the first Socialist to become president of France since François Mitterrand left office in 1995.

Mr. Hollande campaigned on a kinder, gentler, more inclusive France, but his victory over Nicolas Sarkozy will also be seen as a challenge to the German-dominated policy of economic austerity in the euro zone, which is suffering from recession and record unemployment.

With about half the vote counted, preliminary results released by the Interior Ministry shortly after the last polling stations closed at 8 p.m. showed Mr. Hollande had secured about 51 percent of the vote while Mr. Sarkozy, of the center-right Union for a Popular Movement, won about 49 percent."

my poor mom

my mom's having such a hard time that I think I should be there with her. I'm going to start looking up fares just in case, but I'm hoping she'll start getting better tomorrow. She had surgery Monday for complications from a faulty product in a previous surgery. She thought she was feeling better, but now she's feeling worse. She said that to roll over to her side she screams out in pain. :( I hate to hear her like that. The pharmacist told her to get phone calls every 4 hours to make sure she's okay. I just talked to her, someone else is calling at 6:30, and I'm calling at 11. I guess tomorrow they'll probably get her on stronger pain meds. grrr it makes me so mad that she has to put up with this! I've had my cry for the day, and now I need to research some stuff for her--like what's going on about this product.

oh well

I really thought I was going to be able to go to bed 2 hours ago, but my daydreaming kept me awake. I was too excited from my night out. I know I'm a dork, but I had a really good time. It was so nice to kind of experiment with doing things with new people, and even just meeting people with someone newish was nice. I'm feeling more and more comfortable with him, which is nice. There's still an excitement that keeps me feeling...mm, what's the word?..not nervou...is it nervous? I don't know..but it's a really fun feeling that keeps me from sleeping. Okay, I'm going to play for a little while and then try going back to bed. night.

hi

I'm going to go to bed soon...good night. I had fun tonight.

heebie jeebies

I had fun with Jen tonight.
Dinner and a movie.
Duck Fat Grill or something like that, and then the Emperor Got his Groove Back or something like that...it was fun.
I feel bad that my mom had such a painful time at the doctor's today. It makes me mad; so unfair. But she's doing better. The flowers Jenny got her are so cute; daisies with dogwood flowers or something like that in the middle shaped like a dog, and then a Get Well balloon. She's such a kiss ass. (I just read this and realized I said "or something like that" for like every other sentence.

Nope

I don't like Family Guy.
...There. I said it.

AAaawwww

Jenny's so nice!
Since my mom had surgery Monday, Jenny just told me that she sent my mom flowers!
She's making me look bad, but still, my mom is going to be ecstatic!
So sweet.

The fudge is made

I figured it was a good night to bake, so I finally made the fudge that I meant to make in December. I licked the pan, and never in my life have I so badly needed a glass of milk! But MMMMMMM, yummy! Maybe if people are nice to me, I'll pay them in fudge. Just kidding, people should be nice for free, but I may just give people fudge because I certainly should not eat all of it! We'll see.

I do question my sanity when I can't stop obsessing about the fact that I thought I heard a chocolate chip fall in the process, and yet, I can't find a chocolate chip. Where'd it go?!!

WEll that was fucking stupid

How intellectually disability of me!
That was hilarious.
I went walking in the rain. Luckily, I put on my rain coat, but what an exercise in futility THAT Was! The outside sounds like it's popping popcorn.
I walked/ran/skipped/laughed around the block, and I had to strip at the door because I was completely dripping! That was fun.

Okay, I think it just died down. figures.

Rain

I'm not positive, but it's a definite possibility that I will have to go outside and frolic.

hmm

I hope my text message last night that I sent wasn't inappropriate. I guess (I know) that sometimes I have a tough time knowing boundaries. I just wrote what I felt, but maybe it was inappropriate. I hope not. I just meant to be nice.

Update

Well, as soon as I hid under my blanket, I started crying. It was beyond my control. I just feel bad because I don't want to waste my life like this. I want my life to feel like it's moving forward, progressing, constructive, happy. The thing that makes me sad is when I have thoughts like, 'is this day over yet?' I said that to my mom once a long time ago, and she basically said, 'why would you ever want time to go faster?' I really should want it to drag on and on and on. Anyway, I want to feel happy with where I am. I want to be with someone whom I love and who loves me where it is healthy. I want to have a career that I feel good about...make a difference. I want to feel comforted by my home. I also felt bad because I had this thought: my life and my friends feel like going to a shitty place to get your hair cut. Sure, you can get a decent cut, but you have to walk them through it...know exactly what you want, and micro-manage every little step. My two closest friends are so very similar. I have to ASK for a hug almost every time. And then it's like a chore. ...fiiiiiine....okay that's enough. Kind of like that. I'm a very affectionate person. They both are also pretty negative: I'm fairly positive. So, I just need more supportive people, more friends, more independence than I have right now, and have things more the way I want them.

Anyway, as soon as I heard thunder, I jumped up and felt better. So strange. I'm going to quick run with it and see what I can get done.

I hate sadness

Apparently this is what happens when I don't let myself cry. Last night I felt like crying a little and didn't. All today I have felt lazy, depressed, and slightly sick. As I just thought about that, tears started welling up in my eyes. I still really don't feel like crying. I don't want to feel the pain, even though I feel a dull pain anyway. Maybe it would be good for me to get out, but I have no money, no car, and no one except Jenny to go see, and she's in Oak Park. This sucks. I need something. What? blagh. Maybe I'll just crawl back under my blanket. I don't even have any chocolate. If anyone read this, they could give me ideas about how to feel better. Oh well. I just feel very alone and powerless and defeated and overwhelmed.

Nah

I don't feel like going out.

IF...

If I go tonight, I will either walk or take the bus. I won't be playing. If I don't go today, I will probably go early on Saturday. I was relaxed and had a really nice time yesterday. But I hate going and not having a good time or being overly nervous. It will be an impulse decision. I wish people wanted to see me, and I wish that people would sometimes let me know that if it's true. But I think no one gives a shit about anyone--not just me. Whatever happens happens...show up or don't show up...it doesn't matter. If you wanna go, go...I don't like that kind of mentality. I Like and am more used to a little more formality. I fight against that because I know cool people aren't like that, but whatever.

Kind of funny

Jenny asked me to log into her facebook account to take care of her stuff in one of the stupid games she's addicted to...Scott saw and said this:
"In a more sane world, those games would be considered malware."

Positive Note

I feel really happy about how well my committee meeting went yesterday. I was brimming with pride because aside from finishing my work for a degree, my wonderful advisor Ellen nominated me for my second student excellence award--this time for my paper on emotional intelligence in the workplace. In all honesty, I don't know what makes it worthy of that in her mind--I told her that it just made me wonder how bad everyone else's work was. Geez, Nicole, way to discount yourself! Also, she and John both assuaged my fears about graduate school by saying that they both think I'd do great in grad school, and they said they don't just say that to people. I believed them. Also, I faced my extreme fear about having my first mammogram, then having to go for follow-up pictures and ultrasounds. I hope anyone reading this is doing well and hanging in there too. We can all support each other and that makes everything easier. The times that are hardest for me are when I don't talk about my issues, and as a result, I think I'm the only one having these issues. But when I talk to other people who have dealt or are dealing with the same stuff, everything seems a lot more manageable.

I leave in one hour

my stuff is done, except for the meeting agenda (I have to find out where the heck those guidelines are). When all is said and done, my manual and my paper ends up being 60 pages.